Don't Miss the Taste

Mrs. Linklater continues to pimp for Chicago. With help from the Mayor's Office of Special Events.

" The votes are in, and year after year, more than 3 million people choose Taste. The annual food and free entertainment festival, Taste of Chicago presented by U.S. Cellular, opens in Grant Park on Friday, June 25 and continues through July 4.

Enhancing a great array of menu items from more than 70 restaurants are popular fan favorites such as Taste portions --smaller portions of regular menu items sold for 1-3 tickets, rides including the Carousel, entertainment stages, cooking demonstrations, and the ever-popular Independence Eve concert and fireworks display. "

Mrs. Linklater might have put it this way --

Bring your appetites, America, your belly's gonna be begging for mercy at Chicago's annual slam dunk festival of gastonomic excess known as "The Taste." Amateurs need not apply -- there is enough food for an Army of One and three million of his closest friends. 

Oh, and don't even think about wearing your polo shirt and dockers. Leave them at home chicken, ribs, and fried pork breath -- this kind of eating requires tank tops, all weather shorts and something waterproof for your feet.

Napkins optional.  Hoses will be provided.

 

 

 

 

 

 

While we're at it -- Buckingham Fountain

You can visit the whole site at:

http://buckingham-fountain.visit-chicago-illinois.com/

The fountain has four bronze sea horses that represent the four states that touch Lake Michigan - Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana and Michigan. Sculptor Marcel Francois Loyau was inspired by the Latona Basin in the gardens of Versailles and created the fountain with Art Deco style seahorses instead of realistic looking horses. At the time of the presentation of the fountain a trust fund was established of $300,000 to fund the repairs and upkeep costs, as not to be a burden on the tax payers. This fund covered the $2.8 million restoration costs in 1994. When Kate Buckingham first envisioned the fountain she wanted the effect of "soft moonlight."

The Clarence Buckingham Memorial Fountain

Got your reservations yet?

Mrs. Linklater took the picture of Chicago's Picasso in the previous entry from her car.  She didn't have time to look for the profile everyone talks about.  But she found a web site that featured several angles and voila, there it was. You can see it for yourself live and in person, when you come for the Fourth of July. But these pictures are good enough for now.

The woman who shot these pictures gives permission on her site for anyone to use them for personal and educational reasons:

http://www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/picasso/picasso.html

                         

 

 

Fourth of July

Picture: Famous Chicago Babe

Answer: Chicago.  Question:  What's the best city to be in on the Fourth of July?

Mrs. Linklater is sure that no one will agree with her, but here goes.  If you ever have to spend time in Chicago -- and most people she knows do nothing but whine about it [until they get here] -- you couldn't pick a better time than the Fourth of July.

The city gets out its best weather -- polishes off the sun, shines up the sky, and dials the thermometer to around eighty degrees. San Diego should be so lucky.

Where to start -- well you're probably hungry, so there's plenty to eat at the Taste. 

Every kind of ethnic food the city is known for is served up hot, cold, sweet, sour, spicy, and fresh for you at the Taste of Chicago for two weeks in Grant Park.  With its big finale over the Fourth.

The Taste alone is reason enough to come to town.

While you're standing there polishing off your ribs, chicken and artichoke fritters, get a load of Monroe Street Harbor in front of you. Is that an amazing view, or what?

There isn't another city on the Great Lakes that has done so much to create such a fantastic and accessible shoreline.  

[Not to mention the up close and personal views of the cityscape on a boatride down the stylin' Chicago River.]

The shoreline offers twenty miles of take your breath away sights along Lake Michigan, all decked out in its bright blue best for the Fourth. 

Boat filled harbors and white sand beaches share space with Chicago's glorious city architecture and manicured parks, [including one for skateboards AND a golf course].

Then there are the family jewels -- Navy Pier, Shedd Aquarium, the Field Museum, the Planetarium, The Museum of Science and Industry and the only free city zoo -- Lincoln Park -- left in the country. Oops, let's not forget the Art Institute for the culture vultures. Each one of these star attractions is on the lake or an easy walk or ride away.

From north to south, you can cycle, walk, and jog through the miles of parks from one end to the other, if you're so inclined. With the lake on one side and the city on the other.

Maybe unload some of those caloriesyou're chowing down. 

At night the view gets all romantic and sparkly when the lights are on. Looking back at the skyline from the Planetarium is never not spectacular. So bring someone to hold hands with.

This week the Mayor even has the moon in town to get you in the mood.

Once you've had a bite to eat, stroll over to Buckingham Fountain -- or come back for the rainbow light show they do at night. 

And don't miss the fireworks at Navy Pier every Wednesday and Saturday -- not to mention this coming Sunday on the Fourth. Imagine what it's like to watch the fireworks light up the city from a boat in the harbor.  

Mrs. Linklater could do a whole entry on Navy Pier alone. All the restaurants -- fourteen at least -- from takeout Thai to Riva, one of Chicago's finest eateries. 

There's also every kind of boat ride -- although Mrs. Linklater recommends a dinner cruise at sunset. The huge ferris wheel has a great look back at the skyline. Kids love the IMAX 3-D theater. Shakespeare has his own theatre here, too -- the list never ends.

And that's just the lakefront stuff.  The Cubs are playing their archrivals, the White Sox, this weekend. At Wrigley Field. All games guaranteed sold out for sure -- but you can easily soak up the excitement of their crosstown rivalry in one of the neighborhood hangouts.

You just know a city with two baseball teams would also have two world class zoos. Besides Lincoln Park there's Brookfield Zoo on the southwest side -- an amazing 380 acre habitat experience. From Union Station downtown, it's easy to take an air conditioned trainride out there. Especially with the family discounts.

There's flower power at the Chicago Botanic Garden up north -- walk or enjoy a tramride around its huge landscape. Or push your o-o-o-o and ahh-hh-h buttons as you linger along the lush green paths of the Garfield Conservatory on the west side.

At night there's Ravinia Festival celebrating 100 years all summer long. Where the awesome Chicago Symphony plays during the summer. After a gourmet picnic with friends, Mrs. Linklater sat out under the stars listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter perform last night.  

The headbanging bands are rocking at the "Tweeter" on the southwest side in Tinley Park.

But the new rejuvenated Gehry-designed steel bandshell in the loop is the traditional home to all kinds of Chicago free concerts and music festivals. Jazz, blues, gospel, classical, rock n roll -- they've got your favorite tunes covered.

You can also hang with a million Chicagoans at the bandshell on the Fourth. That's where the city does some of its best stuff during the holiday.

There's so much going on this weekend.  The whole summer for that matter..

Checkout www.metromix.com. for neighborhood festivals.  The local museums.  The art galleries. The pubs, playgrounds, parades, and freebies everywhere.

Chicago has always been a shock to anyone who's never been here. The streets are cleaner. The people are friendlier   There's theater, music, food, art, film, and a great lake.

It is also the only major city Mrs. Linklater can think of where it is possible to leave the office and walk to the beach for lunch in the summer.  She worked in the Hancock building and it was only a block and a half walk to a very nice restaurant right on the beach at Oak Street.

Or if you're not in the mood for a menu you can just grab a hot dog from a vendor, take off your shoes and tickle your toes in the sand. 

Sweet. 

Home. 

Chicago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wimbledon -- It's Gotta Be the Shoes

Picture: Knee Knocking Addidas Shoes from1998

Answer: Da shoes. Question:  Why did Steffi Graf have to retire from women's professional tennis?

Mrs. Linklater loves anything tennis. She started playing when she was seven, so there is probably some cat gut in her DNA by now. 

Injuries prevent her from playing these days, but she still watches all the televised tournaments.  Which is why she was up at 6:00 AM today to catch Wake Up to Wimbledon on ESPN2. 

There's a commercial running during Wimbledon with a little tiny kid about three years old, taking on an adult opponent.  And he spanks him pretty good. 

When it's all over a van drives up, the window rolls down, and Andre Agassi with Steffi Graf beside him, calls out to the kid, who happens to be their son. He runs to the car, carrying a racket which is almost as big as he is.

Cute spot. Great family genetics. Can't wait to see what the future brings.

That commercial got Mrs. Linklater thinking about Steffi Graf and why she quit playing.  Or at least why Mrs. Linklater thinks she had to quit.

There were two things Mrs. Linklater noticed about the year Steffi left tennis.  1) She was wearing a pair of Addidas shoes. And 2) she started having problems with her knees. One in particular, if memory serves.

That same year, Mrs. Linklater noticed that she was playing tennis in the same pair of Addidas tennis shoes as Steffi Graf. Hey, I must be doing something right, she thought. Steffi's wearing MY shoes.

The difference was Mrs. Linklater wasn't tied into an exclusive contract with one manufacturer, so she also had several other pairs of tennis shoes she could choose from -- from Wilson to Nike to New Balance to Avia.  And she rotated them pretty regularly.

She originally bought the Addidas because they were the most comfortable pair of tennis shoes she had ever tried on. They surrounded her feet with a softness and cushion that was like nothing she'd ever felt in any kind of shoe before.

She couldn't wait to get on the court to play in them.

But over time she noticed something else.  Whenever she played in that pair of Addidas shoes, her knees would hurt. And they had never, ever bothered her before.

She'd never had knee surgery.  In fact, except for one bad slide into third base, she'd never strained her knees in any way. She'd even stayed away from sports like skiing which could do real knee damage.

Then she noticed something else. Her knees didn't hurt at all when she wore any of her other tennis shoes.  Only when she wore the Addidas.

That's when Mrs. Linklater began hearing sportscasters say that Steffi Graf was having knee troubles. She also noticed during one televised match that Steffi was still wearing the Addidas shoes. 

There are round treads on the bottom of most tennis shoes. Usually on one side, near the ball of the foot. The current Addidas shoes are like that.

On the Addidas shoes in question from the late 1990's, there are three round treads. They extend beyond the width of the shoe on both sides, like stabilizers.  One on the inside and two along the outside. 

The only problem is, they're so stabilizing that they freeze your foot in one position while your leg is moving in another. The torque causes enormous stress on your knees. 

Mrs. Linklater wouldn't have ever blamed the shoes if Addidas had been the only brand she wore. Like Steffi. But she wore several different brands. So she was able to trace the problem.

When Steffi quit playing at thirty, Mrs. Linklater wanted to contact her to say -- get a new pair of shoes --throw those Addidas shoes out. Your knees will be fine. You've got a few years left.

Then she got a grip and didn't bother.  Like Steff Graf wants shoe advice from a suburban soccer mom.

But Mrs. Linklater did save her own pair of shoes. They've been in her closet since 1999. Just in case anybody needs evidence.

After all, Martina Hingis sued her shoe manufacturer $40,000,000 for ruining her feet and therefore her career. And she's only twenty-something.

It could happen.

 

The New Addidas Shoes 2004

  

 

 

Mrs. Linklater, Computer Geek

Answer:  English. I can use it to speak to the techs. Well, most of them anyway. Question:  Mrs. Linklater, what courses did you take in college that helped you install your new video card?

Someone has been kind enough to ask if Mrs. Linklater ever got the new video card installed.

Well, yes she did, thank you very much.  It only took two more calls to Gateway and one call to the Radeon folks who actually make the video card.

The computer kept booting in Safe Mode after Mrs. Linklater had supposedly [finally] installed it. "Aren't I supposed to launch some stuff through this CD they sent me?"  [Like the drivers?]  No, you have already done that.

Apparently not, Gateway breath.

The tech at Radeon said it was booting in safe mode because the drivers had not been installed.  Is there an echo in here?  "Just put the CD in and click on Install."  

Now Mrs. Linklater can see again!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Murphy's Law was in force last week.  What could go wrong went wrong.

Mrs. Linklater's 2004 Norton Disk Doctor and Speed Disk Utilities were suddenly showing errors that didn't exist, then restarting hundreds of times and not finishing.  

So she said screw you in so many words and decided to switch to her Windows ScanDisk and Defrag. But they had stopped working entirely. Neither one had any visible signs of life.

Until Mrs. Linklater completely uninstalled her 2004 Norton Personal Firewall. And voila! everything was working again. 

So, she did a clean boot and re-installed the firewall.  Like none of the other applications would notice. They noticed.

All the utilities crapped out again. 

Then AOL corrupted and asked for the CD to be inserted to fix itself.  Where the heck is that thing? So Mrs. Linklater trudged over to COMP USA to get a new AOL CD.

While she was there she heard these comforting words from the tech guy about her Norton problem -- "Oh, yeah, Norton 2004 wasn't one of their best efforts, I'm afraid."

He did suggest only installing the firewall and virus protection and then cherry pick any utilities, if necessary.

The AOL issue fixed fairly quickly.  Although, in a separate problem, every time Mrs. Linklater clicks on the offer to download or get a CD for all the upgraded gadgets and gizmos for 9.0, AOL freezes and she has to re-boot. 

Mrs. Linklater will put on her computer tech hat again this evening. 

But first she is going to party at the racetrack. Her maiden voyage to the world of horseracing. There's a really nice track here -- only twenty minutes away, but she's never been.

She is invited to a birthday party and the hosts have taken over a VIP section.  Which means wearing a hat that doesn't have "Cubs" on it.

And shoes that don't leave treadmarks. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, officer, I swear, these are my clouds. . .

Mrs. Linklater just found a way to post nice pictures on her blog. Steal them from someone else's entry.  That was easy. Thanks, Scalzi.

 

Weekend Assignment #11

Weekend Assignment #11: Tell us what you think is the perfect Summer Song. And you know what a "summer song" is, of course: The song that seems to promise sunny fun from the first chords to the final drumbeat, the ones that are just made to be played in a convertable as you're cruising your way to that beach party.

Extra Credit: Tell us what you think is the best song for the last day of summer. I imagine this could be anything: A big "last blast" party song, a meditative love song about changing seasons, or anything in between.

Walk, Don't Run   *  The Ventures

Before the Summer of Love [and Drugs], there were summers of hootenannies on the beach at night with big bonfires. Seeing who could spot the first shooting star. And watching the moon come up on the horizon. When it was time to go home, because we went home back then, the coolest ride was in a '57 red Chevy convertible. Wait a minute, it still is.  And the best tune was always Walk, Don't Run by the Ventures -- the only pop instrumental to ever break into the Top Ten twice ['60 & '64].

Extra Credit:

Georgia On My Mind * Ray Charles

Doesn't matter where you are -- on the beach, camping in the woods, sitting on a pier, rocking on a porch, or just lying on the grass looking up at the sky -- that song just captures the "sorry it's all over" feelings you get on the last day of summer. 

Saturday Six -- Episode 11

This week Mrs. Linklater lifted the ENTIRE ENTRY from Patrick's Place.

We're up and running again for another set of questions...and they're actually posted on time this week!  Don't forget to leave a link to your journal in the comments. [NOTE: AT PATRICK's PLACE -- Mrs. L] 

Either answer the questions here [NOT HERE, THERE -- Mrs. L] or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but the link you leave here gives everyone who plays a chance to visit your journal!  Enjoy!

1. What annoys you more:  a long line in a bank, a movie theater, a restaurant or a grocery checkout line?

Mrs. Linklater hates long lines so much, she doesn't do them at all.

She does the drive up or the Cash Station at the bank.

She gets her tickets online for the movies or goes when no one else does.

She refuses to eat at restaurants that make you wait more than ten minutes, unless they have a place where she can sit and read, talk, or munch on appetizers. 

And, she has been known to have her groceries delivered.

2. The President calls upon you to select an American to replace Alexander Hamilton on the ten-dollar bill.  The only stipulation is that the person you select cannot have been a politician.  Who would you select?

A woman. Eleanor Roosevelt.  She wasn't a politician.  She was the wife of a politician. She probably did more to advance the cause of women and minorities in this country than any other first lady [and most presidents] in US history.

3. What is the longest road trip you've ever made?

Wyoming and back to northern Illinois. A couple of times. Wait a minute. Mrs. Linklater drove to Boston and back, too.  Gotta mapquest that. Basically she's not sure.

4.Which genre of movie are you least likely to watch:  a war movie, a western, a love story, or a mafia movie?

Mrs. Linklater Loved Platoon. Owns it, just watched it again. 

She loves any Clint Eastwood Western. Watches them all the time.

She loved Witness. Owns it, just watched it again.

Loved Goodfellas. Owns it, just watched it again.

Hm-m-m-m.  She's probably least likely to watch any other western except Clint's.

5. What kind of organization did you last give a donation to?  

A re-hab center for drug addicts. Not that Mrs. Linklater has any addictions herself or anything.  Nosirree, not her.  That chocolate thing was blown way out of proportion.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #9 from Dymphna: Who kissed you first?

Mrs. Linklater's dead boyfriend.  Okay -- when he was alive. In a VW.  In front of her parents' house. Geez, this is so lame. And he had to show her how to kiss because she'd been practice kissing on her hand and that didn't translate to the real thing very well.

Have you submitted your reader's choice question, yet?  If you haven't, follow this link and play that week's edition of the "Saturday Six" as well.  You can submit your own question and see it asked to the masses in an upcoming edition.

NEW BABY!!

No, Mrs. Linklater wasn't pregnant. That would be an immaculate conception. And Mel Gibson could do the movie.

But she knows some people who were pregnant. Her east coast brother and sis in law.

Little Annie Marie Virginia [named after both her grandmoms] was born at 1:29 in this morning, after THIRTY-SIX HOURS of effort --  based on the email updates sent throughout the day.

Both parents are doing fine. They're in that twilight zone between having the baby and taking it home. Before the round the clock feedings, burps, and poopy diapers have kicked in.

Mrs. Linklater remembers the births of her own children with fond memories. Pushing the Goodyear blimp through a straw comes to mind. Of course, with LaMaze breathing anything was possible.

Hope Annie doesn't mind calling her Aunt Mrs. Linklater.

 

 

 

The Tide Car

 

Answer: Because nobody asked, "What were you thinking?"  Question: Why is Tide a NASCAR sponsor?

Mrs. Linklater uses Tide. But even though Tide is probably the best detergent out there, she thinks the Tide people are taking advantage of their customers. And not giving them anything in return. 

Yes, these are shocking allegations. But stick with her.

She just knows that somebody in marketing research for P & G was putting numbers together one day and discovered that a whole bunch of women were watching NASCAR races. 

In between chasing kids, cleaning house, making dinner, washing dishes, doing clothes, and holding down a job, women love to watch NASCAR apparently.

Do you know what that means? the marketing research person shouted. That means we can advertise a woman's product, Tide for instance, on the hoods of the NASCAR muscle machines. 

We'll have females fixated on our logo like they were watching the Chippendale dancers. For hours at a time. Not just for a piddly thirty seconds in a commercial.

Here's how the logic goes. Mrs. Linklater will type slowly so you can follow along: Women buy Tide. Women watch NASCAR races. 

Women will buy way more Tide after they see the Tide logo in a NASCAR race. The way men rush out to buy Cialis.

This is so beautiful, why didn't we realize it earlier? Mrs. Linklater bets there was a lot of celebrating around the office when marketing realized what a gold mine they had stumbled onto.

The marketing people love it when research discovers a new way to suck money out of their customers. 

They love it even more when research comes up with something that'll get them some good freebies. Particularly for the marketing people working on Tide. 

Because when you're stuck working on a women's product there aren't as many off campus perks as working on say, a beer product.

No trips to bowl games, final fours, all-star games, the good stuff.

The excitement must have been enormous. Wow!! Now that we've got a good reason to put the Tide logo on a race car -- think about it -- we can travel to NASCAR races all over the country. 

Hey, somebody has to keep the logo clean and shiny.

And we can hang out with Jeff and Rusty and all the guys. For a whole week sometimes. Lounging in the pits. Getting our own race jackets. I love this job!!!

And you say research has the numbers to justify these boondoggles? Give that person a raise.  How soon can we paint the car?

Hold on to your paint brush for a minute, marketing slut.

Those of you who follow NASCAR have probably noticed something about the drivers. There is nobody named Sue, Sally, Muffy or Nancy driving those cars.

Nobody who worries about helmet hair. Or whether her butt looks fat in her racing suit.

And the pit crews don't have any females changing tires and pumping gas that Mrs. Linklater can recall.  Nope.

NASCAR is to testosterone what monthly bloat is to a box of chocolate.

Mrs. Linklater thinks that the Tide folks have conveniently ignored a pretty obvious fact of NASCAR.  

Women have just two chances to break into that good ole boy network.  Slim and none.

No chance to share in the millions of dollars that float NASCAR's boat every year.  No chance to have their tawdry lives played out in the tabloids. 

No chance to hire somebody else to take care of the kids, clean the house, make the dinner, wash the clothes, you get the idea.

So, given that the Tide folks are making a ton of money off women who use their product and watch NASCAR, you would think that they might consider saying "Thank you" in a more meaningful way, besides the usual coupon or two.

Mrs. Linklater thinks it's high time they did the right thing. And sponsored a car with a female driver. Or started a school to train female drivers. 

Put some of the money they get from the hardworking women who keep this country clean and pressed and put it toward getting them out of the laundromat and into a race car.  So they can make enough money to buy their own washers and dryers.

But Mrs. Linklater isn't stupid.  She knows that won't happen unless enough people email P&G [www.pg.com] or call them at (513) 983-1100 to complain.

On the other hand, women could just stop using Tide.  Or stop watching NASCAR.

Setting Goals

Answer: Lower your standards.  Question:  How can anyone hope to achieve all their goals in life?

Over the years Mrs. Linklater has had any number of goals she wanted to achieve. Usually they were all about surpassing other people. Not necessarily about making herself a better person. 

She always relished the competition.  The youngest this, the first that, the only this, the most that, the best this, the biggest that.

Fifteen years ago, she was making a salary in the high five figures and she wanted to pass six.  When she passed six she wanted a huge title.  When she got the title, she wanted the power. 

By the end of that year, she looked back and should have felt great. But she didn't.

Financially it had been the best year of her career. She'd earned the most money she'd ever made. 

With a bonus, too, for helping to save a $200 million dollar account. She also earned a very nice title that had the cards and stationery to match.

Other than that, the job sucked.  There were political games she wouldn't play. People who worked for her she couldn't fire.

Then she got fired. And life got better.

She was her own boss. She could hire the people she needed when she wanted.  She was able to make almost as much money as before.  

But she didn't need so much anymore -- no commuting and much less travel.  She could keep her own hours.  Dress in t-shirts and flip flops, except for meetings. Go to all her younger daughter's high school soccer and basketball games. 

And use all her skills, not just one or two of them.

She began to see that her traditional goals of money, success and power were limiting. They had no relevance to her. Although they were handy for impressing other people. 

For her, the financial rewards needed to be balanced with emotional rewards.  She needed a feeling of personal satisfaction that would be there with or without huge sums of money.  

"Whoever dies with the most toys wins" was her old philosophy.  She changed it to "We're all going to die -- so be happy."

Which brings her to today and her new way of setting goals. She doesn't need to achieve the kind of goals that Donald Trump would love.  She's already been to her professional mountaintop. And the view wasn't so hot.

She now prefers to achieve the smaller, more personal goals she can count on reaching each day. One at a time.

Getting the garbage out to the curb before the truck goes by. Washing yesterday's dishes yesterday. Mailing the letter that's sitting by the front door. 

Taking the panel off the computer by herself. Taking out the old and installing a new video card. Calling Aunt Genie. Sending love to her daughters.

Setting goals that have meaning for her world, not someone else's.

Which brings Mrs. Linklater to the goal she kept firmly in her sight this morning when she went to the dentist's office. 

This was a goal she didn't realize was so important to her until she was faced with not achieving it today.

Last week she had a back molar capped.  Part of the very back upper tooth on the left side had cracked off [pistachio shell] and there was was some deep decay. Uh-oh.

Then, yesterday, Mrs. Linklater felt pain in the new capped tooth.  Now she was worried about having to have a root canal. She had never had a root canal.  

By her age, most people have had at least one. But not Mrs. Linklater. If there was one thing she wanted to avoid forever, it was having a root canal. Some people don't want children. She didn't want a root canal.

So this morning she went to the dentist to see if her goal of avoiding a root canal was still possible. 

After the x-ray, she waited and chatted with her dentist and his partner. How bout them Cubs? You guys playing much golf?  What are the kids doing this summer?

Then, the news -- tooth looks okay. Maybe it's just riding high.  Maybe you just got some food caught in the gum. Let's not worry about it.

Mrs. Linklater was very happy. So happy, she wanted to shout like the announcer who does the World Cup soccer broadcasts when a player scores -- GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!

Luckily for everyone, she didn't.

 

Patrick's Saturday Six

1. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #3 from Jeffcomedy: What's your favorite way to relax?

On a clear, quiet night, there's nothing like lying outside in my hammock looking at the stars, with a fire blazing in the outdoor fireplace

2. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #4 from Annalisa135: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?  

Attending the Broadway opening for the stage adaptation of the Jeffcomedy and Annalisa135 love story.

3. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #5 from Ondinemonet: If you could sit between any two celebrities on a transatlantic flight, who would it be and why?

If I wanted to laugh it would be Izzy Izzard and Graham Norton.

If I wanted to talk, it would be Ellen DeGeneres and Diane Sawyer. 

If I wanted to listen it would be Oprah and Dr. Phil. 

If I wanted to eat it would be Emeril and Wolfgang Puck. 

If I wanted to make out it would be Josh Hartnett and Viggo Mortensen.

4. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #6 from Lucylouladybug: What are some of the occasional song lyrics or pieces of poetry that stream through your mind during the day?

What's funny is that this song is STILL being played on the radio

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day/I've got my girl in the month of May

My Girl -- the Temptations -- 1964

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #7 from Glopsblink: What is the funniest thing you've ever seen, read, heard of, done,..... whatever?

Story I:   A guy I worked with on a freelance project had been an exec v.p. of an ad agency.  Nice looking. Very GQ. Very rep tie and conservative. 

Until he told me he could make his face look like a camel.  I didn't believe him. So he changed his face right before my very eyes. It was so funny I couldn't stop laughing. But he wasn't done.

He told me that the year before he had decided he wanted his camel face on his driver's license. So when he went to renew it, he stood in line with his camel face in place, so the folks at the DMV would think that's what he really looked like. 

Because no one messes with the picture lady at the DMV.

"No!! You didn't really do that!"   "Oh, yes I did!!"

Keeping his cheeks slightly puffed, his tongue pushed up behind his upper lip and his lower lip turned down to capture that special camel likeness wasn't easy.  He had to stay that way for almost half an hour.

And I still didn't believe he had done it.

So he got out his driver's license to show me -- and there it was -- The Camel Face.  The transformation was total.  I still laugh at the visual.

Story II:  My girlfriend was constantly fixing me up and I was getting tired of it since I didn't need any help. Especially hers.

She invited me to a dinner party at her house to meet some of her "new friends" and I figured she was up to her old tricks.  So I sneaked into the back door of her house and hid in her sons' room where I could put on my "blind date killer" outfit. 

It consisted of fluffy pink slippers, an old plaid bathrobe over a flannel nightgown, my face covered in white goo, and my hair in huge rollers.

When everyone was settled in the living room having drinks, I went downstairs to make my entrance, standing in the doorway.

"Good evening," I said, posing like a model in my very special outfit. Everyone looked up and laughed.  My friend just stared at me. But the surprisingly goodlooking [for a change] guy leaning on the mantel of the fireplace never missed a beat. "Why, this must be my date! How nice to meet you!"

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #8 from Olddog299: When you lost your virginity, was it a good or bad experience, overall?

Actually when I lost my virginity after saving it so carefully for so long [per my mother's instructions], I discovered I didn't have any virginity to lose -- probably lost it on an English saddle during my horse crazy years. So I was pretty much distracted by that more than anything.

Recycling Police

Answer: At least 200 hours of community service and three years' probation. Question:  What's the penalty for not recycling?  

Just so there's no confusion -- this entry isn't about taking old police officers and finding a new use for them after they're worn out.

This is about the feeling Mrs.Linklater got today when she deliberately threw an empty Snapple container into the wet garbage -- instead of rinsing the bottle out and dropping it into the glass section of the recycling bin -- like a good little soldier. Not to mention that she left the metal cap on, too. 

The feeling Mrs. Linklater got was fear.

What if somebody heard the glass clinking against the garbage can when she threw out the garbage?

What if the garbage bag fell out of the garbage can when the garbage truck hoisted it up to dump the contents?  

What if the bag broke when it fell?  

What if the unrecycled Snapple bottle fell out onto the ground. With its cap still on.  So everybody could see it? 

What if it became apparent that Mrs. Linklater chose NOT to recycle. 

This one time. Okay, a second time.

Would the recycling police pay a visit to her door?  Would a jury convict her?

Not wanting to find out, Mrs. Linklater just went through the garbage about ten minutes ago and retrieved the Snapple bottle along with its cap. She quickly washed them off and put them into their separate sections of the recycling bin.

Phew.  That was close. 

 

 

.

 

Weekend Assignment #10:

Scalzi has done it again.

Congratulations! You've been given one million dollars. What would you do with it? But wait! There's more -- seems you've been given two million dollars. Would you do anything different with the second million than you would with the first?

Let's skip the responsible stuff -- sharing with the family and careful investments, that's a given -- and go straight for pouring that money down the drain like any good American.

The First Mil --

Mrs. Linklater has one heck of a tall evergreen in her front yard -- the quintessential giant Christmas Tree. 

She has always wanted to light it up with a million tiny bulbs and decorate it with those handpainted, wooden nutcrackers and Swedish horse ornaments for the holidays.  It would take hundreds of them.

But to do all that would first require a cherry picker to reach the top of the tree.  [Not to mention all the Swedes she'd have to hire to carve the ornaments.]

So with her first million she would rent -- NO! She could BUY -- a cherry picker with a person to operate it and another person to festoon the tree with the lights and hang the ornaments -- according to Mrs. Linklater's exact specifications.

In fact -- wait a minute -- all that money is giving her BIGGER ideas -- she could do Hannukah, too. Put up blue and silver twinkling lights first, then do the extravagant Christmas decorations. She's getting into this now -- because New Year's would be her next holiday. 

With a genuine imitation New York Size New Year's Crystal Ball at the top with the voice of Dick Clark announcing the countdown to midnight. 

Followed by a wearing o' millions of tiny green lights on St. Paddy's Day. With corn beef and cabbage on rye sandwiches hanging from the branches. 

This would lead to a record number of red lights and five pound boxes of Godiva chocolates in heart shaped boxes hanging up to the top for Valentine's Day.

Mother's Day [fingerpaintings], Father's Day [loud ties], Graduation Day [empty beer bottles], Somebody's Wedding Day [envelopes full of money], Fourth of July [Weber kettles], Labor Day [hot dogs and buns]. 

For Halloween, how about a real witch on a broom who flies back and forth on a wire between the chimney and the top of the tree. And a boatload of pumpkins and trick or treat candy hanging all over it.

And think of how many stuffed turkeys would decorate it for Thanksgiving. Is there a way to do potatoes and gravy?

Not to mention all the fun Mrs. Linklater could have with Gay Pride Day, Election Day, Cinco de Mayo, Flag Day -- the list never ends.

Next thing, the Queer Eye guys would be begging for a chance to do a makeover.  Jimmy Kimmel would make fun of it.  Jon Stewart would just stare at it. Letterman would do a top ten list. Jay Leno would send his intern.  Dateline would try to uncover a conspiracy.  Ted Koppel? It could happen. Everybody would be hanging at the tree.

You'd come. Betcha.

The Second Mil:

Mrs. Linklater would use that to build a warehouse to store the cherry picker and all the lights and decorations.

The Serious Two Million:

Mrs. Linklater would start a foundation that builds safe houses around the country for victims of domestic violence. With a goal of having at least one house for every community in every state.  With emergency services to include an unmarked bulletproof van for special rescues and trips to court, free medical and dental, tutoring for kids, an allowance to buy clothes for job interviews, and one year's rent money for a new place to live.

 

Temporarily Insane

Answer:  Death is an option.   Question:  What would you like to do to the Techies at Gateway who couldn't be nicer -- but couldn't know less when it comes to helping Mrs. Linklater install more memory and a brand, spanking new video card?

The Mommy Wars rant will have to wait. Mrs. Linklater is having computer crazies.

Phone call numero uno: Mrs. Linklater gets a female techie at Gateway who speaks so crisp and briskly she could be in the military. She gives instructions for loading the computer's new memory with the authority of the joint chiefs.  Mrs. Linklater listens and learns, so all the new memory gets installed fairly easily.  But nothing Sgt. Techie says can help Mrs. L get the old video card out of its slot. 

Because, as Mrs. Linklater finds out later, Sgt. Techie's directions totally suck. Thanks to her, Mrs. Linklater thinks there's an eensy weensy screw in the way. A screw that's too small for her giant screwdriver.  So Mrs. Linklater has to go to the hardware store for tools. The real tool, however, was sitting on the phone at Gateway.

Mrs. Linklater gets back from the hardware store with a screwdriver the size of a pretzel stick and still cannot undo the tiny little screw. Not possible.  Her hand keeps getting poked by something -- poke, poke, poke -- and she can't get any leverage to turn the screwdriver.

Phone call numero dos: Mrs. Linklater gets another Gateway female tech who didn't miss the memo. She knows how to get the old video card out and the new video card in. Sgt. Techie apparently didn't know shinola about which screw needed to be unscrewed. Naturally, Mrs. Linklater thinks this new, second technie must be a genius. She also thinks that her computer troubles are over. So she hangs up, takes out the old video card and puts in the new one.  LOL.

But when she starts the computer, the monitor doesn't work and the computer shuts down without permission. This makes Mrs. Linklater want to pour syrup on the motherboard, but instead, she decides to read the "Getting Started Guide" that came with the new video card instead. 

She could have done that earlier, but that would have been too easy.

The guide says she has to uninstall all the crap that the old video card left behind. Nice of Gateway to tell her. But she can't tell from the instructions what to uninstall and what to leave behind, because the guide assumes she already knows. Well, she doesn't, Mr. Poopy Pants!

Phone call numero tres:  Mrs. Linklater gets a young man from India or Pakistan. Her heart sinks. Because she knows she will never be able to understand him. But, to his credit,  he understands that she can't understand him and tries to speak to her so she will understand. Veee---rrrrrr----y slo-------w---l--y.  

To explain her problem, Mrs. Linklater reads him the good parts of the "Getting Started Guide" which say you have to uninstall all the do-dah left by the old drivers, blah blah blah.  So he instructs Mrs. Linklater to uninstall everything in a way that has nothing do with anything the "Getting Started Guide" suggests.

But she figures that Mr. India or Pakistan must know what he's talking about.  Mrs. Linklater, you are such a yutz. Thus, after uninstalling the old drivers per his instructions, she hangs up, full of optimism and hope for a bright tomorrow. 

So she takes out her old video card.  Again. And puts in the new one.  Again. 

This time the computer shuts down faster than it did the last time. 

Phone call numero quatro:  A very nice woman tries to help her uninstall the old drivers. Again.  That means that Mrs. Linklater has to take the new card out and put the old card back in.  Again.

This time they follow the instructions in the guide, but the driver refuses to uninstall no matter what they do. Weird.  Still optimistic, Mrs. Linklater says what the heck and installs the new card again.

The computer shuts down so fast it leaves a skidmark.

Phone call numero cinco: Mrs. Linklater talks to a young woman who sounds like Karen on Will & Grace.  She finds the top secret number of the company that makes the video card so Mrs. Linklater can get them to help her. Puh-lease.

Mrs. Linklater calls the toll free 24 hour service number.  "We're sorry, that number is no longer in service, please checkyour. . ."

That's what Mrs. Linklater has been doing for the past 30 hours. To write this, she's using her computer with all its new memory along with the old video card, which is like trying to read through water. Murky, dark, water with stripes in it.

After this entry is posted, she will go online and track down the phone number for the video card and shriek into the phone when someone answers. 

 

 

 

 

Homework

Answer: All morning. Question:  Mrs. Linklater, how long have you been working on your rant?

Mrs. Linklater has been writing all morning. And she's still not done. 

She's read four articles and three journals about the issue.  And she's trying to get her rebuttal into something that makes sense. Something that will change the world.

Maybe that's the problem.  It ain't gonna happen.

She also wants to offer her suggestions to the problems facing women when they decide to have children. 

Not an easy task, at least for Mrs. Linklater.  So, as Albert puts it, just keep talking among yourselves.

 

The Mommy Wars Are Over, I Mean It

Mrs. Linklater is too tired to finish writing this entry, but she's so fed up with what she's been reading about the Mommy Wars that she's at least going to get her rant started.

John Scalzi, in a decision he may yet regret, brought the issue to his blogosphere a few days ago.  He referred to an article at Reason.com about highly educated, successful women "Opting Out" of their careers to stay at home with their kids.

This was followed by pointed commentary in three high profile AOL Journals. 

The first essayist asked the question "Why isn't it Opting In?"  Get it? "Opt Out" of a career vs."Opt In" to being a full-time Mom.

Essentially, this writer, a stay at home mother, reduced a huge philosophical, financial, cultural and highly personal struggle down to a question of semantics. That was helpful.

There were two other entries she wants to beat to death, but Mrs. Linklater will take them on after a good night's sleep.

So until then, she must insist that all mommys take a time out -- you mothers who work outside the home will sit in this corner, and you stay at home moms will sit in that corner. No talking. No pointing your fingers at each other. No making fun. Nothing. Be quiet. And stay that way until Mrs. Linklater gets back. She's really had it with you!

 

 

Sandy, the Cat in the Hat

 

Mrs. Linklater sent the picture of Sandy to her daughters.[See Petblogging] She sent it to them because she thought they'd enjoy seeing a picture she found of a beloved pet from their childhood.   

They both wrote back -- separately -- that the picture was cute, but seeing her made them both feel a little sad. 

Didn't mean to do that.

Assignment #9 Petblogging

Answer 1: When you don't think it's a cat. Question 1:  What's the best quality a cat can have?

Answer 2:  It's coming.  [It's here.] Question 2: Where's the required picture for your petblog?

Mrs. Linklater has had many favorite pets, both cats and dogs. She has loved them all. And misses each one every day. All have gone to pet heaven. Except one -- his ashes are still in a box on a bookcase. At least the company that charged Mrs. Linklater $90 to cremate him says those are his ashes.  

Anyway -- which beloved pet should Mrs. Linklater tell a heartwarming story about?

Today, the pretty and sweet-as-pie Sandy, a half Siamese, half American tabby with bright blue eyes, gets the nod, because she stepped out of her usual role as a soft and furry lap pet-- a real cuddlebutt -- to become the heroic patrol pet who warned her family that there was DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!

One evening Mrs. Linklater's family was watching TV in the living room, when Sandy came into the room meowing.  Meow. Meow. Meow.

FYI: Sandy was adopted as a stray kitten and named by Mrs. Linklater's older daughter after the Olivia Newton John character in "Grease."

Everybody thought she was just announcing her presence. "Hello, I'm here. Do something about it!"

So someone picked her up and plopped her down with all the folks on the couch. One of her favorite spots to be.

In two seconds she had jumped off the couch and scampered out of the room.  Only to come back again meowing.  Meow. Meow. Meow.

This time when someone got up to get her, she turned and ran out of the room.  Again.  Everybody decided just to ignore her and went back to watching TV.

Mrs. Linklater thought it was a 'cat thing.' 

But here comes Sandy one more time, meow, meow, meow, meow.  Sh-h-h-h-h-h. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!???!!!

Slightly annoyed, Mrs. Linklater got up and walked toward Sandy.  Sandy turned and ran.

At this point Mrs. Linklater actually said these very words to her family, "I think she's trying to tell us something." Cue the violins, we're about to have a moment from Lassie Come Home.

So everybody got up to follow Sandy, who had returned once again meowing -- meow, meow, meow.

She led us to one of the bedrooms, where a lampshade had tilted and was touching the lightbulb. Already the lamp was smoking and a dark brown area on the lampshade looked like it was about to burst into flames.

Meow! Meow! Meow! See I told you there was something wrong!!!! But no!!! You thought I was just a cat who was acting like a -- well, like a cat.  Next time, pay attention!

Wow -- Sandy saved us from a fire.  Mrs. Linklater was so grateful that her sweetums poopsie babykins was a hero that she did something she almost never did. She changed Sandy's kitty litter that night. Put in all new stuff. Actually did it herself. Without the usual gloves and a mask. Didn't make the kids do it. Or wait for the housekeeper. 

Now that's a grateful pet owner.

 

[Unfortunately Sandy was poisoned by the powder some vet tech used to get rid of fleas. Dog fleas. This vet tech didn't read the instructions that said, "Dangerous to felines." It had carboryl in it, which can turn docile cats into mean ones. Overnight Sandy began biting everyone, and after she bit a neighbor, Mrs. Linklater made the difficult decision to put her down.  She is buried in the back yard under a pretty maple tree that was planted as a seedling on her grave.]

 

 

 

Patrick's Saturday Six on Sunday

Answer: Leave me alone. Question: Mrs. Linklater, it's two in the afternoon and you're still not dressed.

1. What color eyes do you find the most appealing?

Mrs. Linklater has discovered that eye color by itself isn't all that appealing to her.  It's the combination -- hair color, skin color, eyebrows, lashes -- that makes it all work. 

For instance, bright blue eyes are nice, but they don't become appealing to her until they're combined with dark eyelashes and lots of very dark or salt and pepper hair. 

Mrs. Linklater also confesses to being mesmerized by men with cafe latte or olive skin who have green or grey eyes.  You haven't lived until you've seen that combination.

She is also partial to bald guys with dark eyebrows and deep brown eyes -- a great look.  In fact, Mrs. Linklater saw a guy just like that last night. He could have passed for Billy Joel, if Billy Joel were taller and better looking.

2. What is your favorite thing to eat or drink on a cold, rainy day?

A pot of apple cider heated with cinnamon sticks and slices of lemon with a clove covered orange floating in it. But Mrs. Linklater would settle for hot tea, lemon and honey, if you're out of cloves.

3. Name the last movie that made you laugh out loud and what you found so funny about it.

Young Frankenstein. Mrs. Linklater was screening it for something at work last week and pretty much cackled all the way through it.  A classic. Rent it tonight. Laugh your ass off.

4. If you had the choice of having a custom telephone number, what would it be?

Mrs. Linklater does have a custom telephone number -- well, the last four digits at least. She chose it based on the pattern the numbers make on the dial pad. She discovered way after everybody else that it's easier to remember phone numbers that way. In fact, if you ask her someone's phone number she often has to lookat the phone pad before she can remember what it is.

A custom phone number based on letters, i.e., your name, is just a pain in the butt.

5. New technology currently allows parents who can afford it the opportunity to select the gender of their baby with an impressive rate of success.  If such technology became the norm (and was affordable), would you choose or leave it up to fate?

Mrs. Linklater would probably still be married [two chances: slim and none] if the gender of her babies could have been pre-determined.  After her second beautiful baby girl, Mrs. Linklater's husband, who changed two diapers in eight years, said, "You'll keep having kids until we have a boy, right?"

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #2 from Mumsy:  You have just designed a new hybrid car that does not use gasoline or oil.  What do you call it?

The Terminator.  Since it would pretty much terminate OPEC's power.
 

The 40th President

Answer: Nope.  Question:  Are you, Mrs. Linklater, going to refrain from commenting on former President Reagan's passing?

You gotta love the Reagans' love story. It almost seems like a fairytale. He was also born in Mrs. Linklater's state, Illinois, so there's a pride of ownership or something there. He sure seems like he was amiable enough and free from angry outbursts at his staff, unlike what we've heard about Clinton. And he loved to tell a good story.

But Mrs. Linklater was a single parent during his administration. During the Reagan years, times were a little dicey for working women who were heads of households and raising children.

Congress didn't want to give them too many breaks, like childcare credits, or it might "encourage all women to go back to work".[A paraphrase of their words from a 1973 congressional white paper on working women] Nevermind the ones who had no choice. 

And Mrs. Linklater will never forget the first time she came across a homeless person. Not a hobo or a bum like they used to be called. Those people never seemed to stare past you. Talk to themselves. Or just attack you for no reason.

It was ten thirty at night and she was walking down Fifth Avenue in New York in the early 1980's, heading back to the hotel, when she noticed a huge pile of rags sitting in the middle of the sidewalk.The block had many beautiful, sophisticated stores, with elegantly dressed windows. So the pile of rags looked exceedingly out of place.

"I wonder who left those rags sitting there?" she said. 
And then the pile of rags moved. 

It was like seeing a camouflaged soldier suddenly reveal himself. These days she's used to seeing the homeless on the street. And she realizes that most of them are mentally ill. 

The doors to the institutions were opened wide thanks to a bizarre interpretation of civil rights, during Reagan's administration.  And thousands of helpless people with schizophrenia and other disorders were set free to live in the prisons of their minds, unmedicated, unprotected, unwanted. To this day.

Then there's the AIDS issue.  Those who lost relatives, friends and schoolmates, or asked about someone at work, only to discover they'd passed away, couldn't believe how little was being done. And the hostility toward the ones that were sick was so medieval.  Like they'd brought the devil on themselves.

The whole Evil Empire name calling scared Mrs. Linklater to death."Bombs away!" she thought.  Who knew that the Soviet Republic was only a papier mache dragon, close to final disintegration?  Maybe President Reagon did. Whatever. His rhetoric and Gorbachev's fondness for democracy seemed to help things along.  And we didn't go up in smoke. Luck or skill? We may never know.

Regardless, he was The President. And thanks to the genius of this country's government, the presidency has the resiliency to survive its presidents. The office always deserves respect.  So Mrs. Linklater is sorry she didn't live close enough to Dixon, IL or Washington, D.C. to stand in line with the thousands of other Americans who came to honor his passing. 

But, she never felt more uncomfortable with what the presidency represented than when he was in office.

Although George W. does give her pause.

Embrace the Rain

Answer: Send it to its room for a month with no food or WATER.  Tell it to stay there until Mrs. Linklater said it could come out. Question:  If the rain were a person, how would you treat it?

One of Mrs. Linklater's daughters was consulting in Seattle a couple of years ago.

"How can you stand the rain?" Mrs. Linklater asked her.

"In Seattle, you learn to 'embrace the rain'" was her answer. In fact, she never carried an umbrella or wore a raincoat. 

So today, yet another rainy, damp day here in America's heartland, Mrs. Linklater is going borrow from her daughter's philosophy.  She's going to go out and embrace the rain. Give the rain a big darn hug.

Hug the non-stop, never give it a rest, drip drop till you want to scream RAIN.

So here she goes. Out to embrace the wetness of her world. Maybe even kiss it on the cheek.

Nope. Can't do it. Can't hug water. Can't cross that puddle.

Freakin' Rain

Answer: Rain.  Question: What's it been doing around here for WAY TOO LONG?

Mrs. Linklater is really tired of the rain.  She'd like it to go away.  Come again some other day. Say in October.

 

Shopping at Vic's

Answer: Night and day.  Question:  How different are your daughters, Mrs. Linklater?

After Mrs. Linklater's younger daughter was in town for business and a visit last week, she sent an email to her older daughter. Here is a small, but relevant, excerpt:

<< . . .Your sister and I had a nice visit.  We went to Victoria's Secret and she tried on a ton of bras. . .[blah blah blah] Love, Mom >>

The truth is it seemed like she tried on about 100 bras. Maybe it was only thirty or forty, but hanging on the hooks, they looked like 100. 

Mrs. Linklater's job was easy. All she had to do was sit on a chair in the dressing room and keep passing bras to her daughter. Meanwhile, they also spent time chatting and catching up.

Mrs. Linklater's younger daughter is definitely very particular about what she likes.  She even had the sales person bring in a t-shirt so she could see what each bra looked like under different clothes.

She also put the bras in three piles:  Yes. No. Maybe. Mrs. Linklater couldn't tell the difference between one or another a lot of the time, but her daughter sure could. 

Her younger daughter is also one of the few people Mrs. Linklater knows who is patient enough and willing to take the time to find what she really wants. After two and a half hours, she found some beautiful bras that fit perfectly. Frankly, Mrs. Linklater would have given up long before.

Meanwhile, this is the email Mrs. Linklater got back from her older daughter:

<< She went to Victoria's Secret? She and I were there last time she was in town, and I have to say it was the most annoying experience for me EVER! She must have tried on 300 bras! Man, she is picky! How did you survive? >>

LOL.Mrs. Linklater's older daughter knows exactly which style bra she likes. Just send her a bunch in her size in lots of colors and she's happy.  She doesn't even need to try them on.

One final aside -- there were several sales people at the two story Vic's Mrs. Linklater and her daughter shopped at -- about seven women and one guy.  All miked up like Brittney Spears so they could be in constant communication with each other. "34-D in dressing room six, can you find something in lavendar for her prom? Over."

According to Mrs. Linklater's daughter, the one guy knew more about bras than any of the women she talked to.

Doesn't it make you wonder how.  Not to mention why?

 

 

 

What? Again?

The link to Mrs. Linklater's celebrity encounter entry is up on AOL Music Talk again.  She didn't know they did re-runs. Her first inkling was a comment alert this morning from someone who took her to task for eating a hot dog at a rock concert. Then she found an email in her SPAM box from one of the editors. No warning, just an announcement. Congratulations, you've been quoted!  There's a lesson here.  It's better to be rich than anything that resembles famous.

Mrs. Linklater sure is whiny today.

PS  Mrs. Linklater just discovered she's on AOL People Connection, too. Some guy she doesn't know IM'd her with the news. Hey, people -- that picture may only be a month old, but Mrs. Linklater photographs way younger than she is -- do NOT get your hopes up.

The Boxer

Answer:  LOL.  Question:  Mrs. Linklater, do you think you could get in good enough shape over the next two years to compete at the college level in any of your former sports?

So Mrs. Linklater comes out of the ladies room at the production house where she's editing and runs into a guy who is so sweaty he looks like he just fell in a pool.  With all his clothes on.

Not something you see everyday, no matter where you work.

His name is Terry. Turns out he is the real life subject of a documentary about a guy in his forties who has decided to go back to grad school, just so he can compete in his sport at the college level. One more time. 

Mrs. Linklater knows there are players who have returned to school in their 30's and 40's and played football again, because they hadn't used up their eligibility.

She even had a girlfriend who went back to school in her late thirties and became the captain of the volleyball team. Even more amazing [to Mrs. Linklater] was that she had been on the swim team the first time around.  

But Mrs. Linklater is willing to bet that no one has tried to go back to college to box again.

Last night was the first night of shooting -- you know, cameras, not guns -- the first time this determined guy has put on the gloves, literally and figuratively, in 25 years.

That's why Terry was all sweaty when Mrs. Linklater encountered him, because he and a film crew had just come back from his workout at the gym so he could clean up.

Mrs. Linklater invited herself to stick around and screen the stuff they shot. To see what the new DV cameras came up with. And see if she thought this documentary could really happen.

What she saw was great. 

How really and truly good the new DV footage looked, artistically. How the crew was able to capture the intensity on Terry's face as he was running on the treadmill.  How lucky for Terry that he's telegenic. [The guy looks like an Irish Tom Berenger.]

He's already in pretty good shape for any age, let alone his mid-forties.This documentary really could turn into something.

She watched and listened to his nonstop running dialogue about boxing while the camera captured him going a few rounds with the heavy bag. How can he talk and do that?

His first hit in 25 years was recorded for posterity.

In the background, the gym looked great. Some of "Ali" was supposedly shot there. There were also other boxers working out in the background, as if they had been cued. As they say, the composition and optics looked mighty fine.

Watching him she laughed along with everyone else, as he kept trying to get his bearings on the speed bag.

Not easy after two and a half decades.

What made it even more entertaining was listening to him simultaneously describe, in graphic detail, each round of his last few fights all those years ago, pounding on the bag to emphasize a point.

"Then I broke his jaw!" POW! "It took him three weeks to feel right again!" POW!

After screening the footage, he talked about unfinished business.  If he hadn't lost his last fight in a decision, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to do all this. "All this" is a lot.

He got turned down for law school at the university where he graduated. Where he wants to box again.

So he has decided to try to transfer in from another school after a year.  This isn't going to be easy -- getting good enough grades to transfer while getting into shape to compete at the same time.

Money doesn't seem to be a problem.  Or worrying about neglecting a wife and  kids.

He seems to be independently wealthy. He's never been married.

So he can act on his need to do this wild and crazy thing without heat from the homefront.

Most of the rest of us couldn't dream of acting out our midlife crises just to scratch an itch -- to get something out of our systems once and for all.

Maybe there's a lesson here he can teach us.  But, frankly, Mrs. Linklater isn't sure what it is.

Or whether it's a lesson worth learning.

 

 

 

Sidetracked

Answer: Like going blind. Question:  What's it like using a computer with a dying video card?

Ever since Gateway closed their Country Stores, Mrs. Linklater has had to deal with them over the phone. It's not that the people are so bad; it's getting to the people that's bad. 

Just send me three times more memory and a big ass replacement video card, please.

Forty five minutes.

But, all in all Gateway is easy to work with compared to the live online AOL techs who type English as a second language. 

And neither one could begin to confuse customers with the amazing skill of Symantec.

This year, in order to successfully upgrade to Norton Firewall and SystemWorks 2004, Mrs. Linklater finally had to delete old Symantec files so deep in her computer, she could feel the slimy stuff on the bottom.

Meanwhile, who came up with that Gateway Country Stores idea anyway? 

And those boxes that look like they killed a cow to package your computer? Nothing like barnyard memories to sell high tech equipment.

Imagine the meetings their marketing people must have had. Let's make computers warm and fuzzy. Friendly and down home. And what's more warm and fuzzy, friendly and down home than cows.

Works for me.

Then some guy who looks vaguely like Tom Hanks bursts into the room. Hey, you guys, I've got it! We can call our warehouse sized strip mall edifices Grandma's 'Puter Places!

Hm-m-m, maybe not, sounds too much like potatos.

How 'bout Computer Barns 'r' Us? Nah, we'd get sued.

Wait -- this is perfect -- Country Stores. Neutral. Inoffensive. Bland. Boring.  Excellent. Call the agency. Do we have one?

It's all about "branding." 

Actually branding would have been a nice touch.  Like having Mrs. Linklater's initials branded on her computer when she bought it..

With free bottles of warm milk and a box of steaks with every upgrade.  So many missed opportunities. 

No wonder the Country Stores closed.

 

[Ever get sidetracked writing an entry?  Mrs. Linklater just did.  This one was going to be about all the fun she had with her younger daughter, who was in town on business. Not even close]

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick's Saturday Six on Monday

Answer: I like pain.  Question: How come you're doing the Saturday Six from Patrick's Place?

1. If you knew that NO ONE would EVER read your journal...NO ONE, EVER...would you continue writing as is, write more, write less, or pull the plug?

If nobody read my journal but me, I'd swear a whole lot more, write about more personal things, be really pissed off instead of trying to find the humor, say terrible nasty things about anybody, write in the first person, never edit and skip trying to make what I wrote readable by making paragraphs. 

You got a problem with that?

2. Give the link of the entry in your journal of which you are most proud, and explain why it makes you proud.

Compared to most of the journals I read, I'm a lazy writer.  For an English major, my grammar sucks.  I take the easy way out of a story every time.  Go for the easy joke. Or the facile finish.  I rarely get introspective. So I'm not proud of any one entry.  I am more ashamed that I don't work harder.  And often just damn glad I wrote something that is readable and makes sense.

3. If you HAD to get one or the other, would you rather get a tattoo or a piercing, and where would it go?  (You cannot count one that you already have.)

There is nothing on me that is pierced or tattooed. Never will be.  If I had to choose, I would pierce ONE ear. And wear gold, silver, or diamond studs.

Which one do you most believe in or whatever the question was:
  a) Ghosts
  b) Mindreaders
  c) Time Travel
  c) Love in First Sight
  e) Extraterrestrials

Love at first sight.  Been there.  Done that.

5. Other than North America, if you could choose any other continent fora one month vacation, which would you choose?

Australia.  A truly mysterious continent.  Interesting recent history.  Fascinating indigenous people. An array of flora and fauna not found anywhere else on earth.

And, here is the first of the questions submitted by you:
6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #1 from Jennifer:  If, by some bizarre new law, you were restricted in your eating preferences to only one restaurant for the remainder of your natural life, and you had to choose -- HAD to choose or die -- which restaurant would you select?
 
Denny's.  They're open 24 hours.  They're cheap.  And they're all over the country.

Late Assignment

Answer: Sometimes Mrs. Linklater has a life.  Question:  So how come your assignment is late?

Okay -- here are the novels that have a character which best reflects everything about Mrs. Linklater, assuming she wanted a stranger to get a clue about her:

One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly, Four to Score, High Five, Hot Six, Seven Up, Hard Eight, To the Nines, Ten Big Ones.

The character is Stephanie Plum, bounty hunter. The author is Janet Evanovich, which means Son of Evan [maybe] in Russian. Mrs. Linklater's middle name is Evans, which means Son of Evan [or John] in Welsh. Or Johnson in English. Which means Evanovich might also mean Johnson in English.  So somewhere, somehow, Mrs. Linklater and Ms. Evanovich might be related. Or not.

The novels are pure fun -- plane reads, beach reads, bathroom reads.  The kind that don't tax your brain, but make you laugh -- a very important aspect of life for Mrs. Linklater, who reads non-fiction mostly when she wants to be serious -- Boys in the Band, Prozac Backlash, and anything about serial killers or multiple personalities

Mrs. Linklater loves the characters, especially Grandma. Morelli and Ranger are pretty tasty, too. Ms. Plum and Mrs. Linklater both seem to have a propensity for commando types.

Fair warning: Mrs. Linklater's male friends do not like Stephanie Plum books. They'd rather curl up with Ed McBain. Mrs. Linklater's female friends love them. Like chocolate words.

Extra credit:  A novel someone recommended that Mrs. Linklater didn't like. People recommend novels to Mrs. Linklater all the time. She often wonders why. She ignores all suggestions. So she is never disappointed.

Okay, assignment done. Back to having a life.