ASK MRS. LINKLATER MONDAY NIGHT EDITION

Mrs. Linklater has been on a mission lately to stop advice column madness before it spreads. She does this without any thought for her safety. And she can hardly wait for the thanks of a grateful nation.

Dear Amy: I have sort of a weird problem. I live with my husband and teenage son, both of whom drive me absolutely crazy with a particular eating habit -- namely, scraping a bowl or plate many, many, many times with a clinking fork or spoon to get out the last bit of lettuce, noodle or whatever.

I know this isn't a big deal, but we have plans to live together for a year or more on a small sailboat in the not-too-distant future, and I'm afraid I might shove one of them overboard one fine evening as dinner is drawing to a close. Do I have a right to make them overhaul their eating habits for my own personal sanity?

Can you help?

-- Gritting My Teeth

Dear Gritting: Nothing ruins a sunset quite like a man overboard. Don't resort to that.

I'm glad you know that there are far worse problems you could have on your plate than the sound of scraping cutlery, but in my book, the person who is bugged most over dinner table habits wins. Just because the perpetrators outnumber you doesn't mean they're right.

You could try some cognitive therapy techniques to make these two aware of what they're doing. Each time they scrape, they could put a dollar in a fondue pot right there at the table. You could also videotape them eating and play it back to show them what you get to see and listen to while dining.

My friend Phil Vettel, restaurant critic at the Chicago Tribune, has another suggestion for you to try on your family: chopsticks. I love it.

As usual, Mrs. Linklater is shaking her head in disbelief. Amy dear. Cognitive therapy for scraping the plate?  You've gone overboard.

How about ear plugs for Mom, so she doesn't have to hear the sound. She's the one with the problem.  Not her family.

Mrs. Linklater comes from the stand-over-the-sink-and-lick-the-plate-school of finishing her meal, so she is hardly in a position to fall on her fork  here.  But, as usual, that won't stop her.  

With all due respect to Mr. Vettel for his clever suggestion, chopsticks may seem like an amusing solution, but they're only funny until someone loses an eye. And this family seems quite capable of committing acts of violence over cutlery noise. At least ONE of them does.

So Mrs. L would like to suggest that Mom buy a bunch of rubber scrapers just for those occasions when scraping the plate may be an option. Big ones for entrees.  Perhaps the more delicate, smaller ones, for desserts. 

What?  You have a problem with that?  They come in colors now.  And you could decorate the handles.  Just watch, thanks to Mrs. Linklater, you'll be able to register for one with a silver handle at Georg Jensen soon. 

Okay.  Fine.  Use your fingers. But don't make that stupid sucking noise when you do.  Drives me nuts.

 

Patrick's Saturday Six The Weekend Before the Super Bowl Edition

 

Want to join in on the fun?  Either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals], or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  If you don't have an AOL journal, you can still play, but of course you'll at least need an AOL screen name, which you can get for free with AOL Instant Messenger, to be able to leave a comment here.  (And if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment!)  Enjoy!

1. Who is the first celebrity you recall having a crush on?

Sterling Hayden.  He was Colonel Bat Guano in Dr. Strangelove -- constantly worried about Our Precious Bodily Fluids.  He came to my college for a symposium on Rebellion, since he was the Sean Penn of his time, only much taller and more rugged.  I was chosen to be part of a select group of six students who got to spend three hours with him.  I didn't say a word.  Yeah, me.  Speechless.

2. What was your favorite amusement park ride when you were young?

The Bobs at Riverview Park in Chicago.  One of the early scary rollercoasters. Later my first job was with the International Association of Amusement Parks and I got to meet all the wild and crazy guys who invented those rides and ran the parks across the country.
 
3. If you could change your name (first or middle but the name you go by), would you, and if so, what would you change it to?

I would change it to Alexis. A snot nosed preppy name.  People would call me Alex.  I don't have a good reason.  And I may change my mind and re-write my answer later.

 
4. Go to http://kabalarians.com/ and take the "First Name Analysis" test.  Do you agree with what the site comes up with? Some of it.

The following brief summary describes only a few qualities of your first name. There are many additional factors (legal name, nicknames, family surname, combined names, previous names, business signature, and, very importantly, your inner potential or birthpath as determined from your date of birth) that create and mold your entire personality - and your entire life.

Although the name XXXX creates the urge to be self-expressive and happy, we emphasize that without overall harmony with a balanced last name, it can cause intolerance and impatience. This name, when not combined with a balanced last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, worry, and mental tension. [THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!! MRS. L]

The name of XXXX creates a happy, versatile, and expressive nature, with good business judgment and a fine sense of responsibility, which should enable you to establish congenial relationships in positions of trust where you are dealing with the public. You have a clever, quick mind, with the ability to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time, although it is not easy for you to systematize your efforts. This name could allow expression along musical and artistic lines and gives you the desire to entertain and to meet and mix with people of refinement and culture.

I agree with the blue part.

5. Other than Johnny Carson, which former talk show host's tape archives would you most like to visit, and why?

Steve Allen.  Or Ernie Kovacs.  Two of the wackiest, funniest guys ever.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #44  from Jessie:   If you were in good health, would you donate a kidney to a friend who's dying regardless of what your family's opinion are and if yes or no, why or why not?

I would only donate to my children.  I wouldn't risk my life for someone other than my kids or grandkids [assuming I EVER have any.  YOO HOO, are you reading this, dear daughters of mine? No pressure, of course].  If I didn't have children I would consider it, however.

 

Scalzi's Weekend Assignment # 45 Karaoke Time

www.neon-das.com
It's karaoke time. Pick a song to sing and explain why you chose it.
SCALZI SPEAKS: Note that not everyone sings the song you expect them to sing: I remember being at a karaoke bar one time and watching a six-foot bald guy with a gravelly voice and a tattoo on his neck sing Olivia Newton John's "Have You Never Been Mellow?" And it was brilliant. So by all means, reach for the stars here. This isn't American Idol.
Mrs. Linklater is usually happy just to sing along with one of her five downloaded MP3's in front of her computer. This is the kind of venue where she sounds absolutely fabulous, especially with the volume up. She doesn't have to worry about hair and makeup. Or costumes, for that matter.  Sweats and a hoody and she's sold out at Park West.
But if we're going to play by the rules and actually sing at a karaoke place, she would choose Toni Braxton's version of Unbreak My Heart. Not that she could pass for Toni Braxton, being tall, white, and twice as old.  But the song is in her range and, more importantly, the lyrics could be Mrs. Linklater's mantra [no pity parties for her this week, however].   Unbreak my heart.  Uncry these tears.  A fine set of lyrics. An old story with brand new words to tell it. Wouldn't it be nice to put your sadness on rewind and take it all the way back to happy. Take that messed up relationship from the top.  Almost a perfectly written song. All except for that one stupid rhyme about pain and leaving someone out in the rain. Oh crap. Mrs. Linklater's only rule of songwriting [she actually does this in her job from time to time] -- is never use the word "rain" to rhyme with anything. Nobody's done it right starting when Richard Harris left that stupid cake out to get wet in MacArthur Park. Mrs. Linklater nearly goes insane when she hears the dreaded inclement weather word.  Of course, there are some who would say that's a short trip, but we'll save that story for another day. 
Extra Credit: Recall the worst karaoke performance you ever heard (or, if you're brave, ever performed). You can change the names to protect the guilty if you like.
Easy. Jessica Simpson's replicant sister on Saturday Night Live.

Bag Lady With A Baby

Adriana Iliescu
Romanian hospital officials say a 66-year-old woman in Bucharest has given birth to a baby girl.  
Medical ethicists and retirement home residents are outraged. The hippocratic oath has been compromised; there should be a limit to how old a woman can be to have a child; and, frankly, this is just gross.  
Probably the first thing on everybody's mind when Grandma announced "I'm P.G.!" was 1) Who could possibly be the father, then 2) How in the world did he impregnate her -- with a bag over his head?  Come on, people, that's what you were thinking.   
The woman is 66, not 26. Even worse, she looks closer to 76.  Okay, no one looks their best right after having a baby, but this unfortunate photo gives new meaning to the phrase, Kiss of Death.   
Do you think she's nursing?  
This birth will no doubt create a whole spate of new book titles:
*Coping with Menopause During Pregnancy
*Wrinkles or Stretch Marks -- You Be the Judge   
Adriana Iliescu, who underwent fertility treatment for nine years before becoming pregnant, is thought to be the oldest recorded mother.  
Definitely the most tired.  
Remember -- this birth happened in Romania, a country notorious for orphanages filled with discarded babies, thanks to their government's ban on abortion.  One wonders whether Ms. Iliescu, her doctors, the government or the hospital have any appreciation for the irony.
The girl was born prematurely by Caesarean section after her twin sister died in the womb, the hospital said.
Actually the baby died of fright when it realized who its mother would be. 
Ms Iliescu told local television she had always wanted to be a mother but had been unable to conceive naturally.
Or as Janet Reno put it so well, "I'm just a homely spinster." 
A spokeswoman at the Giulesti Maternity Hospital in Bucharest said the surviving infant, named Eliza Maria, weighed just 1.4kg (3lb) and was still in intensive care, but breathing normally.
So after all that do-dah, Ms. Iliescu couldn't carry little Eliza Maria full term. Now the baby will be at high risk for all the unpleasant developmental problems that happen to premies. And when Eliza's mother dies of ovarian cancer next year from the previous nine years of fertility treatments, she can be put into one of those orphanages with all the other babies who need someone to care for them. The circle of life.  In Romania.
"The mother is doing well. She is saying she has been given a new lease on life," the spokeswoman said, according to the Associated Press news agency.
I think senior citizens across the world will jump at the chance to have a new lease on life that needs to be fed, burped and changed every two hours.  
Ms Iliescu, a retired university professor and author of children's books, was interviewed by Realitatea TV last month.
Which just proves you don't have to be stupid to be stupid.
She told the station she was optimistic about her future as a mother, claiming her family had a history of longevity.
But none of them had a toddler to chase after.
The BBC's Central Europe reporter, Nick Thorpe, says the doctor who artificially inseminated Mrs Iliescu with the sperm of an anonymous donator justified the procedure by saying Ms Iliescu was in an appropriate condition to give birth.
Dr. Frankenstein went on to say that Ms. Iliescu suffered no ill effects from all the electrical current.
[Her doctor] also said he had been impressed by her faith in God.
Artificial insemination is next to godliness.





















    
 

O for SUNDAY

Mrs. Linklater would like to remind her readers of the first rule of making predictions -- don't do it in public.

Let's start with her biggest embarrassment. She predicted that Pissburg would win the Super Bowl. No, she's not alone. But, let's face it, apparently that was just a bad case of wishful thinking.

She just wanted a feel good story about a rookie from a small school in Ohio winning it all. And she stuck to her guns even when she realized that the Patriots seem to be the best coached team in either league. 

She predicted Atlanta would beat the Eagles. For a good reason, like they have a better defense or offense?  No. Sadly, because she thinks Michael Vick is cute. She also forgot that the game would be played in Philadelphia.  Sheesh. And even though Atlanta beat the Rams 47 to whatever it was, it was only the Rams, not a real contender.  Come on, people, they weren't.

The good news, the Eagles' Donovan McNabb is from Chicago. 

She predicted that the AFC Championship would be more exciting than the actual Super Bowl. Because, let's face it, the Super Bowl has been pretty anti-climactic over the years.  Wrongo.

For crying out loud, both championships were over before halftime. ZZZZZZZZ.

But, in her favor, a check of most of today's professional prognosticators reveals that most of them were batting .500 at best.  Except that nun who called both games. So Mrs. Linklater doesn't feel that bad. 

Oh yes she does. 

 

Patrick's Saturday Six Snow Blizzard Edition

Playing is simple:  you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals], or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  If you don't have an AOL journal, you can still play, but of course you'll at least need an AOL screen name, which you can get for free with AOL Instant Messenger, to be able to leave a comment here.  Enjoy!

1. Which of the following is your favorite store and why?  
A) Wal-Mart
B) Target
C) K Mart
D) Sears

Except for Sears, Mrs. Linklater doesn't shop at these stores. Not that she wouldn't want to.  But why pay wholesale prices, when she can pay full retail? Wait she bought some kitchen stuff at Target, once. She even has a membership at Costco. But mostly she'd rather patronize her local shops. Where everybody knows your name.  And tells you good dirt about your neighbors.

2. How far does your closest friend who's not in the same town as you live, and when was the last time you saw them in person?

Mrs. Linklater has several close friends -- most of whom have pictures they're keeping as evidence. She sees them as much as possible, because they live in places like Hawaii, Malibu, San Diego, New York, and Montana. Why do you think they're her friends? Her kids live in Las Vegas and London. Two toddling towns. Now you know why she likes to travel so much. 

3. Have you ever gone on a date with someone you met online?  Would you?

Ever? No.  Would Mrs. Linklater consider doing such a thing? Hmmm. After many years, Mrs. L has finally learned to never say never. But she does think there are three chances of that ever happening.  Slim, none and a definite maybe. 

4. What is your favorite novel and what makes it stand out for you?

Paco's Story.  A searing fictional memoir of the emotional havoc suffered by a Vietnam vet. It was nominated for the National Book Award. 

5. You get snowed in at your home for three days.  You have power and telephone service, but no way to leave the house.  How will you amuse yourself?

Mrs. Linklater was snowed in just a week or so ago for two days. What a perfect opportunity to throw out her younger daughter's Trojan Horse project from third grade. Or use the glue gun to make a bust of Abraham Lincoln out of the styrofoam peanuts she's been saving.

Instead she read books, watched TV and movies, played with her cameras, wrote in her journal, talked on the phone to all her friends and family. And ran out of food. The usual.

6. A fellow journaler you consider a friend disappears from J-land.  Visitors leave comments in the journal but they get no response.  You send the journaler an E-mail to make sure everything is okay, and despite the fact that you see that it has been read, you get no reply.  What do you do?  

This is no doubt a thinly disguised cry for Jeffcomedy to come out come out wherever you are. He hasn't posted since he stubbed his toe in November. And Mrs. Linklater dares to ask the question, "Is he dead?" Check out his link in her Other Journals area. 

But today is another day.  And another chance to make fun of people.  So here are Mrs. Linklater's Top Ten Reasons why Jeff has most likely disappeared.

10.  He finally learned how to drive and he's stuck in traffic somewhere on the San Diego freeway.  9.  He still didn't learn how to drive and he's finally tired of coming up with excuses.  8.  He has a part in a movie as John Cusack's evil twin.  7.  He IS John Cusack's evil twin.  6. He's studying to pass the headwaiter's exam at Chili's. 5. He flunked it.  4. He is suffering from a rare typing disease and travels the world seeking a cure.  3. He never left J-Land.  He now writes under another name and posts in a private access journal.  2. Nah.  Never happen.  1.  And the number one reason Jeff is not around -- he's fallen and he can't get up.

 

 

ASK MRS LINKLATER "BE A GREAT GIRLFRIEND" EDITION

SUDDENLY IT'S 1958

Mrs. Linklater saw this link on her AOL front page the other day.  And while she thinks that learning how to be a great girlfriend ranks up there with cleaning toilets, she wondered what the latest relationship guru might be recommending. Needless to say, she can't wait to butt in.

How to be a great girlfriend in 10 easy steps
By Bob Strauss

To most guys, There's Something About Mary was the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend: Someone who drinks beer, loves sports, smiles sweetly in the face of infantile behaviour and looks like Cameron Diaz. Granted, there's nothing you can do about the Cameron Diaz part, but here are some tips for turning yourself into the kind of gal that prompts guys to ask, "Why can't the women I date be as cool as her?"

Mrs. Linklater snorts: There's Something About Mary is the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend? AND the perfect hair gel, too? 

While we're at it, what's up with "GAL?" People still call women "GALS?"

1. Know the league rules. Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow-by-blow of the Arsenal/Man U showdown. Earn him a few quid on your World Cup predictions, and he'll propose to you faster than David Beckham's latest Lamborghini.

Mrs. Linklater had to avert her eyes when she first read "Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow. . ."  When she recovered she wondered why AOL hadn't translated the rest of this paragraph from English to American.

2. Lose the coasters. These little frisbee things are the bane of a guy's existence; if you insist that he use one, you can't help but come off like a proper miss at a girl's academy. Which would you rather have: A boyfriend, or a smudge-free coffee table?

Show of hands?  That's what Mrs. Linklater thought.  A smudge-free coffee table.

3. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they're stupid — especially if they're stupid — a guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood. If you don't laugh, it's just like waving around a pair of knitting needles. Extra points if you fake a giggle fit in front of his mates.

"A guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood."  Mrs. Linklater can think of a couple of others.  Let's see. His remote. And what?!  Oh, you people are so immature.

4. Share the wealth. Speaking of his friends, if you follow all the tips listed here, they're going to be very jealous that the two of you are an item — so coax out your single female pals every now and then and let everyone mingle. If nothing else, it's good karma.

Great idea.  Invite all your jealous girlfriends to mingle with your boyfriend.  Up close and personal. Don't forget to let them have plenty of time alone with him. While you're at it, pay for dinner, too.  As for good karma, this sounds like pimp and ho karma to Mrs. L.    

5. Let him get lost. No, don't throw him out of the house. The next time you're out driving, and your boyfriend refuses to ask for directions, cut him some slack. Losing his way on the M5 is the closest he may ever get to the adrenaline thrill of skiing the Alps.

If you're out driving with your boyfriend and end up on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean on the M5 -- you've cut him a little too much slack.

6. Flatter his ego. Whenever your boyfriend tells his latest tiresome tale about slaying some work-related ogre — or starts wondering whether, deep down, he's really suited for life as an epic poet — just tell him he's terrific and you believe in him 100 percent. Even if you don't.

And while you're being so supportive make sure you're wearing short white gloves, two strands of pearls, a circle pin, and a little pillbox hat with a nice veil.

7. Know when to stay home. No guy will come right out and say it — at least, no guy who wants to keep all his body parts — so if you pay extra-careful attention to your boyfriend's mood, you'll know when he wants to spend a night out with the gang by himself.

Mrs. Linklater suggests you have him followed to see if he's gay.

8. Buy a round. If you do happen to be out with the gang, buying the next pitcher — or, better yet, turning everyone on to the kind of fancy drink (like Cosmopolitans) that only girls seem to know about — will instantly establish your cool-chick credentials.

Nothing turns on guys more than drinking Cosmos with the girls.

9. Wear a baseball cap. You know how naturalists, when they want to infiltrate a pack of hyenas, dress in fur pelts? Not only will a baseball cap make you look sexy — especially if you wear it backward — but it'll do a lot to increase your boyfriend's comfort level.

If wearing a baseball cap backwards is now considered sexy, Mrs. Linklater would rather wear fur and take her chances with the hyenas.

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. The list is too extensive to include here, but are loose toenail clippings, unwashed towels, and torn jeans really worth a full-blown argument? Go with the flow, and you'll be surprised how often your boyfriend cleans up his dirty habits all by himself.

Mrs. Linklater is an advocate of that old adage -- when you get a lemon, make lemonade.  So when you get an ashtray full of toenail clippings make them into a casserole.

TO DO LIST

Sometimes Mrs. Linklater gets funny stuff in her email that she hasn't seen a million times already.

Some Things to Do Before the Inauguration While You Still Have Time:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a glass of clean water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
5. Visit Syria--or any foreign country for that matter.
6. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
7. Hoard gasoline.
8. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
9. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
10. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
11. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase "You can't do that--this is America."
16. If you're white, marry a black person; if you're black, marry a white person.
17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
18. Start your school day without a prayer.
19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
20. Learn French.
21. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
22. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
23. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
24. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
25. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
26. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
27. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

Mrs. Linklater Predicts Kinda Sorta

The NFC is embarrassing itself.  

Three of the four NFC coaches in this weekend's playoffs have made incredibly stupid mistakes. Andy Reid -- mismanaging the clock in the first half today. Who cares if it didn't matter in the end?  Just so dumb. That will cost the Eagles next week.  They will lose to the Falcons.  

Mike Tice and that botched field goal with Randy Moss on -- no off -- the field. Gee, how in the world did they lose today? They had so much momentum there for a minute or two.  

Herm Edwards -- that stupid long distance field goal attempt yesterday in Pittsburgh. Thank goodness their ridiculous luck finally ran out. I was getting worried. Oh wait, the Jets are in the AFC?  How did THAT happen?  

And the poor pitiful Rams? They shouldn't have been in the playoffs. Too bad they couldn't just forfeit.

Atlanta looks good. They will beat the Eagles next week. But any one of the last three AFC teams standing could beat the Falcons in the Super Bowl.  

The real Super Bowl will be the AFC championship next weekend between Pittsburgh and whoever wins today in New England. 

And if the Colts should beat the Patriots, outdoors in the weather, with Peyton Manning hearing a voice in his head, repeating "0 for Foxboro, 0 for Foxboro," IT WILL BE A MIRACLE.  

Once again, the real Super Bowl will be a snore.   

Ah, Mrs. Linklater, you are so sexy when you talk football.

 

Patrick's Saturday Six NFL Playoff Edition Two

Mrs. Linklater has not posted an entry since last Sunday, so she thought she would kickstart her engine this Sunday with a little help from Patrick.

To play you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals], or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  (And if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment!)  Enjoy!

1. You achieve a high level of fame in your chosen career.  Calls begin coming in for interviews...if you could only appear on one of the following shows, which would you select?

A) Today
B) Live! with Regis and Kelly
C) The Daily Show
D) Oprah
E) David Letterman
F) Jay Leno
G) Jerry Springer

What, no Nightline? No Larry King Live? No Barbara Walters? Okay, what are the options again? Definitely not the Today Show. The people who go on that program have to get up at three freaking o'clock in the morning. Which is two in the middle of the night here. I don't think so. Oprah? Way too much exposure. Strangers would come up and talk to me on the street. EWWW. Regis and Kelly? Ever notice how uncomfortable their guests look perched on those dumb stools? Like sitting with a broom up your butt. Not for me. Letterman and Leno? If I could wear my sweats, maybe. Jerry Springer? I don't do bottomless. But, I would kill to be on The Daily Show.  To have Jon Stewart roll his eyes at whatever I'm famous for. With his correspondents making fun at my expense. That's for me. Nothing would be more wonderful. 

2. You have the opportunity to briefly become another person in another body, then spend 48 hours alone with the real you.  Would you do it?

Sure, why not. I'd be reincarnated as my dead mother. So she could play tennis, bake cookies, help around the house, talk about my so-called life, meet her grandchildren, wonder why I ever married that guy, and generally just hang out with me.
 
3. You have the opportunity to briefly become another person in another body and live a normal life for 48 hours.  Would you dare to spend two days as a member of the opposite gender?

Why?  So I could pee standing up?

Actually, I'd love to be a guy for 48 hours, just to see how it feels to be in a body that can move the sofa, eat whatever it wants, want sex 24/7, and not have PMS.

4. Compared to previous years, did you spend more or less money on Christmas gifts?  How soon do you think you'll have all of the bills for Christmas paid off?

More.  Already paid for.
 
5. What is the first toy you remember playing with?

Don't remember the first toy. But I do remember sitting in my crib and wanting to play with a bottle of Windex that was just out of reach.  The blue liquid was absolutely fascinating to me.
 
6. Have you ever downloaded a song or theme song for your cell phone?  If so, which one amuses you most?  If you haven't, but had to pick one, what would it be?

My cell phone is from the dark ages. I'm lucky it rings. If I had the option of downloading a tune, I would choose the Sesame Street theme, "Sunny day, everything's A-OK. . ."  Or Mr. Rogers theme, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. . ."  Because those tunes make people smile. 

BEFORE and AFTER

BEFORE -- Jeep is stuck in snow, out of camera range

AFTER -- whoever parked there right at the end of the driveway is a doofus

Mrs. Linklater used to pride herself on her driveway snow shoveling skills. Too cheap to buy a snowblower, she saw no reason to fork out the cash for something she might use once a year.  Besides she had a darn good shovel. 

All that money for two health clubs was finally put to work. Faster than a snowblower, she could heap piles of the white stuff higher than a tall building.  She once raced her neighbor to see who could finish first and she won.  Of course, the neighbor didn't realize there was a competition going on.

However over the past couple of years her working body parts have dwindled down to a precious few, so she usually just drives her Jeep over the snow a few times, throws some salt on the tracks and calls it a day.

Until this year, when it snowed nine inches overnight and the Jeep got stuck. The snow was deeper than it's been for a long time and, yes, she forgot to put it in 4-wheel drive the night before. 

Calls to the village, the high school, her friendly gas station, and a local snow blower store for names of people who plow were met with derision. Na-na-na-na-na-na. She was snowbound for two days.

Running out of food, she called a friend to see if he knew anybody.  And he did. 

Oh, thank goodness, what's the number, I'll call right away.  How soon can they come.  Are they in the area.  Do they charge a lot.  Do I have to sign a contract.

I'll be over tomorrow. 

Oh. Okay. Good.

Luckily he works for food.  And now she can go out and get some. Thanks, N. And yes, I'll buy a snowblower now.

The 2005 Top O' the Line Snow Shoveling Machine, Handcranked Model

Patrick's Saturday Six NFL Wildcard Weekend Edition

To play you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals] or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! 

1. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #38:  If you could live in a foreign country (or city) for one year, which would you choose and why?

If Donald Trump bankrolls me, London.  For its 2000 year history, 400 year old houses, the Indian food, the museums with all their stolen booty, the shops they manage to squeeze into a 5 x 10 space, the quaint as shit countryside, the myriad accents, the black cabs, the streets that change names in the middle, the pubs, the driving on the left, the whole queen thing. And one of my daughters lives there.

2. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #39:  Did you have a security blanket, stuffed animal or toy that you were attached to as a child?  Do you still have it?

Yes I did.  No I don't.

3. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #40:  Favorite alcoholic beverage?

I don't like to drink, but I can manage a frou frou libation now and then.  Kahlua and cream. Or Bailey's, which I consider the Irish version. And my ex used to make a Brandy Ice that was like a milkshake. Otherwise, blech.

4. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #41:  What was your favorite cartoon as a child?

Road Runner.  Always was.  Always will be. Sorry, Muttley.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #42:  Is there a chore you enjoy doing?

I enjoy delegating them.

I do remember having an overwhelming urge to clean a bathroom once. Like a junkie who needs her fix, nothing could stop me.  I was obsessed with a compulsion to shake Comet out of the can and spray Windex on the mirror. I spent a couple of hours on hands and knees, got up on a stepladder too. Polished the grout with a toothbrush. Used alcohol to shine the chrome.  Cleaned under and behind the toilet tank. Washed the door on both sides, along with all the rest of the woodwork.

Did I mention I was nine months pregnant? I went into labor the next day with my first child, And, thankfully, that desperate, disturbing need to clean has never returned. There are trained professionals for that.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #43:  A time machine will let you travel 10 years into either the past or future.  Which would you choose and why?

Backwards.  And make it twenty-five years.  I've been young and I've been old.  Young is way better.

 

Mrs. Linklater's NFL Wildcard Picks

Rams. Somebody on the Seahawks has PMS. [Final Score:  Rams 27 Seahawks 20.  One down.]

Chargers. The Drew Crew makes for a potent brew. [Man, what a stoopid ballgame. High school coaching by the Chargers. Coaches screaming at each other on the Jets. Idiotic penalties by both teams. The Jets should have won in regulation.  And the Chargers should have won in overtime. Final Score: Jets 20 Chargers 17.]

Colts. Wherever he plays is Peyton's Place.  And The Edge gives them the edge. [Final Score: ZZZZZZZZZ. This one was over by the second inning.]

Packers. Bret Favre lowered his golf handicap to one in the off season. That man is focused. [Final Score: Vikes 31 Green Bay 17. The Vikes all showed up on the same day. Play of the game: Green Bay gets within Favre range -- only down by one touchdown. Vikings with the ball. Randy Moss gimps out on the field. Guys in the booth -- "Green Bay won't have to double cover Moss anymore, that ankle is really hurtin'."  Green Bay coaches agree. Mrs. Linklater, laughing outloud, "He's playing possum, you idiots." Culpepper sees Al Harris in single coverage.  Moss takes off at close to max speed. He only has to do it once. He can rest his ankle afterward. Culpepper heaves it. Touchdown. Al Harris will be looking for a job next year.]

Mrs. Linklater bats .500.  Great in baseball.  Not so great in prognostication. No home team advantage this year. 

By the way, Mrs. Linklater is STILL picking Pittsburgh all the way. Big Ben -- Super Bowl MVP. The Bus -- his team's MVP.

Thank you.  Thank you very much.

Embrace Your Inner Jewish Buddhist

If you go back far enough, my religious DNA includes just about every option on the American menu.

I am quite proud of the fact that even though I was raised a stiff upper lip Protestant and my children were schooled in Roman Catholicism, my many Jewish friends are often surprised that I am not a member of the tribe. In fact, I have been called a stealth Jew.

So, with that ecumenical thought in mind and this being a slow day for posting stuff, I share the following golden oldie [No. 9 is still my favorite]: 

The Principles of Jewish Buddhism

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma.  In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.  And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are.  Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle.  What were you thinking?

5. Be aware of your body.  Be aware of your perceptions.  Be aware that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao demands nothing.  The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not take sides.  The Tao is not Jewish.

9. Drink tea and nourish life.  With the first sip, joy.  With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.  Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

11. Be patient and achieve all things.  Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

12. To Find the Buddha, look within.  Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.  Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

13. Be here now.  Be someplace else later.  Is that so complicated?

14. Zen is not easy.  It takes effort to attain nothingness.  And then what do you have?  Bupkes!

Internet Reality Show Idea

Okay here’s the jist.

 

You get to pick a man or woman to date from a group of twenty people. But you can’t have a picture of them. You can’t hear them speak. And you don’t know their ages.  Sounds like a blind date to me.

 

BUT -- these people know what YOU look and sound like. In fact, they know everything about you, so that all but one of them can think of ways to lie to make you choose them.

 

Your only means of communication with them is via email or IM. 

 

That’s correct. Email and instant messaging are the only two ways you can decide which one of the twenty is the person you want to meet. 

 

You can ask each potential date five questions prepared by the show. These questions change each week. When you get down to the final five then you can ask some of your own questions. But there will be some restrictions on how much you can ask.

 

Each week one person is eliminated from the competition when you block their emails and IM’s.

 

The good news: One of these people has already been pre-selected for you based on a computer matching system that has paired both of your preferences from perfume and after shave to SAT scores, income and profession to hair and eye color, the car you drive to where you like to vacation, etc.

 

He or she is the only person who cannot lie. 

 

If that person is able to get you to pick him or her you both win $500,000 dollars and a great all expenses paid date to anywhere you want to go. Or free rentals at Blockbuster for life. Whatever. 

 

The bad news: There are some flies in the ointment: One of the possible dates is still in high school.  Another lives in a senior citizen’s center.  A third is a member of the wrong sex -- in other words, if the contestant is a woman looking for a guy, one of the guys is actually a female.  Another could be an ex-husband.  We could get creepy and have sisters and brothers. Or for fun, one could be a celebrity or pro athlete. 

 

But there’s something wrong with all the contestants except the one that has been computer matched for you. 

 

If you are fooled and choose one of the imposters, the imposter gets $100,000. Or free Subway sandwiches for as long as they can stand them. And you get a hearty handshake.

 

Have you spent enough time in chat rooms to tell a guy from a girl, a complete creep from a smarmy casanova, a ten year old from a 110 year old? And could you do it without knowing what they look or sound like?

 

In the end, would spelling matter? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #42

Share your favorite story of Winter cold -- preferably (but not necessarily) involving something freezing inconveniently and humorously.

Extra credit: Name a song that reminds you of winter that's not Christmas-themed.

I lived in Chicago in 1967 during the snow storm that dumped 27 inches in 24 hours and nothing, I mean nothing, moved. Cars, buses and trucks were skewed across the roads like dead bodies at a massacre.

I was also living in Chicago during the winter of '78-'79 when the temperature never got above freezing for weeks and weeks, so the falling snow just kept piling higher and higher. The mountain of frozen slush at the end of my driveway was still over six feet in March.

Meanwhile, the temperatures often dropped to 25 below and the windchill factor was -85 degrees. 

And last night we got nine inches of snow.

Yeah, so.  Make me laugh!

Okay, maybe this will. One winter many years ago, when the city snow had lost its lustre and was starting to get grimy, two of my friends, Patrick and Tony, and I noticed that a brownstone in our Chicago neighborhood still had a pristine patch of snow on its 7 x 7 fenced front yard.  

The snow, about a foot deep, was so white it looked fresh. The three of us were walking back from dinner and we all stopped in our tracks at the same time in front of the yard. Looking at each other, we just knew we couldn't let that virginal snow melt untouched.  After a brief consultation we agreed on a plan.

By the way, no matter what Pat tells you, this was my idea.

So the little patch became our canvas.  Pat went back to his place and loaded up a paint sprayer with something green -- paint or food coloring. Tony and I went out and bought or scavenged as many plastic flowers as we could.  During the night we returned to the tiny yard and sprayed the entiresnow area green.  Top, sides, everything.

Then we planted an whole garden of plastic flowers.  Tulips, roses, daffodils, some purple thingys -- dozens and dozens of them.  The little patch was a veritable bouquet when the neighborhood awoke the next morning. 

And a source of amusement for the doorman at the Ambassador West hotel, the residents of the Playboy Mansion [the original one], and all the young professionals walking to the bus.

Thankfully our little nighttime caper made the afternoon papers in the society column rather than the police blotter.  Probably because we knew the folks who owned the brownstone and they figured it was a charming little prank, not something to besmirch our arrest free permanent records. All that stuff happened later.

WINTER TUNE: SEAL's first album reminds me of the winter of 1991. Every time I hear CRAZY I remember that winter in general and one person in particular. Ironically one of my daughters gave me a Best of Seal CD for Christmas this year with Crazy on it, not realizing the memories it would conjure up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cute Baby Alert

My cute little niece, Annie, achieved a milestone today. Her arms can touch the floor now. 

Oh, and she can sit up, too.

 

Thumb Twiddling

 

Sitting around waiting for a meeting downtown today, I perused an old issue of Newsweek [November 29, 2004].  

 

Did you know that PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] has a director of vegan outreach, Bruce Friedrich, who is spearheading the Fish Empathy Project [??!!].

 

“No one would ever put a hook through a dog’s or cat’s mouth.  Once people start to understand that fish, although they come in different packaging, are just as intelligent, they’ll stop eating them.”

 

Fish are people, too.

 

Frederick Paffhausen, director of the Bay County, Michigan, library system, who wants to have patrons that rack up big fines face criminal charges and jail time, contends, “We want to go after some of the people who owe us a lot of money.  We want to set an example.”

 

Better re-attach those mattress tags.

 

FYI -- That new videogame, JFK: Reloaded, the interactive Kennedy assassination thrill created by the wonderful folks who gave you that knee-slapping riot simulator, State of Emergency, and the carjacking hit, Grand Theft Auto, comes with instant replay.

 

Yep, you can review your shots from a variety of locations like say, the grassy knoll. Oh, and gamers who come closest to replicating the actual assassination have a chance to win a $100,000 prize.

 

Twin Towers is next.  No, really, somebody is working on it.

 

My Turn, the weekly essay relinquished to readers, has a young, very philosophical rabbi suggesting that in our culture of excessive individualism -- “the radical pursuit of our own needs and desires” -- we have abandoned our commitment to community.

 

He came to this conclusion schmoozing at a wedding celebration for a young nomadic couple in Mongolia.  Too many cheese curds and fermented mare’s milk if you ask me. 

 

Ask any foreign traveler in the United States how open and welcoming this country is compared to the rest of the world. How easily we share our homes with perfect strangers, inviting them to dine with our families after just meeting them.  

 

I think self-reliance is at the core of the American character, and the confidence we have in our ability to successfully go it alone is what enables us to share what we have so magnanimously.

 

With all due respect to the rabbi’s hypothesis, our country’s community efforts on behalf of the tsunami victims have already upended his theory.

 

Finally, Anna Quindlen on the last page has The Last Word.

 

She writes that the public debate on abortion is the one that has advanced least during the last fifteen years.  [On the other hand, she feels gay rights has come the farthest. Has she talked to Albert or Judi lately?] 

 

Into this polarized arena that pits morality against reality, there steps an unlikely arbitrator, Frances Kissling, the leader of a group I never thought could exist -- Catholics for a Free Choice. 

 

In what Quindlen describes as a "wise and provocative manifesto," Kissling, who favors legal abortion, raises compelling questions in her group's journal, Conscience:

 

"Is it helpful to concentrate solely on legal arguments when moral imperatives are so much a part of the equation for many people? 

 

"Is it useful to refuse to consider the emotional pull of the fetus even as we conclude that the rights of the mother ultimately take precedent? 

 

"Is there a dangerous disconnect between our public positions and our private sentiments, a disconnnect the public suspects is dishonest?

 

". . .Is there nothing that concerns pro-choice people about abortion?"

 

Quindlen also points out that a "new senator from Oklahoma is an obstetrician who believes abortion should be outlawed and the death penalty applied to abortionists. . .Yet he performed two abortions himself on women with heart disease."

 

Let the discussion begin.

 

Catholics for a Free Choice, huh?  Now that’s a radical notion.

 

One final tidbit. Anyone with post election blues who still wants to leave the country will want to pick up "So You Want to be a Canadian." Test the waters to reveal whether you have what it takes to be a true blue Canuck. Or if you're just a wanna-be. You'll be happy to learn that Toronto is "London with better teeth." And Canadian cuisine includes such delicacies as moose stroganoff and roasted beaver tail. 

 

Old issues of Newsweek.  Ya gotta love 'em. 

 

 

 

Oh No! Not Dave Barry!!!

In her life Mrs Linklater has hung out with some pretty funny people.  There was Harold Ramis of Groundhog Day fame, who was in the same touring company as she at Second City, but doesn't seem to recognize her as as blond. She recently ran into him at her health club.  "Hi, Harold, how's it going?" Long, blank "Is this a stalker?" stare.  "Harold, it's me. . .Okay, nevermind."

 Harold Ramis

www.npr.org

There was John Swartzwelder, a former boyfriend, now writing funny stuff for the Simpsons, who asked her to wait at least six months before calling him back again, so he could save up some interesting things to talk about. She wishes she was making this up.

And now there is Dave Barry, the world's funniest humor columnist ever in the history of mankind, who has never met or dated Mrs. Linklater, so he has nothing to complain about. 

But, along with those other funny people whose names she dropped like melons down an elevator shaft, Dave Barry has also left her building.  Yes, after almost three decades, he has decided to quit writing his column. At least until he decides whether or not he wants to start writing it again. 

And Mrs. Linklater is just devastated.  In case you've been living in a comedy free zone the past few years, here is the first paragraph of his last column today.  It's all you need.

 Dave Barry

www.publishers.org

Posted on Sun, Jan. 02, 2005 Miami Herald       

The last word, for now; humorist gives jokes a rest
By DAVE BARRY

There comes a time in the life of every writer when he asks himself -- as Shakespeare, Tolstoy and Hemingway all surely asked themselves -- if he has any booger jokes left in him.

 

If the word "booger" made you laugh, then you and Dave and Mrs. Linklater have the same sense of humor.

And you can understand her pain.

 

 

Day at the Beach

Glencoe Beach, January, 2005

Around the first of the year I always touch base at the beach. Something about communing with Lake Michigan that satisfies a funny restlessness that surfaces around now. 

I don't know whether it's because I've lived close to its shores almost all my life that it can make me feel peaceful, or whether there's something inherent in the lake itself.  I've stood at the edge of Lake Superior several times and always felt ill at ease. As if there were a malevolent spirit lurking in its deep, dark waters. 

Lake Michigan has never felt threatening to me, regardless of where I've been. On a rocky shore in Northern Wisconsin. Watching the sunset on a deserted white sand beach in Southern Michigan.  Sunning on the dunes in Indiana. Waiting for the mailboat on one of the Manitou islands. Fifteen miles out on a sailboat.  Or crossing on the ferry from Milwaukee.

Today I drove the two miles just to see what might be stirring the waters here around Chicago. I had no plans to get out of the car. But, after I got there, I decided to drive all the way from the top of the bluff down to the boat landing. I took a lot of pictures, but this one, slightly blurred because I moved the camera, actually captures the mood of the day best.

I also noticed something else. When I drove back up to the top, I watched about twenty other cars drive up, take a look, turn around, and drive off again. About a minute apart. One after another after another. I guess the lake is a touchstone for a lot of other people, too.

Patrick's Saturday Six New Year's Edition

Now, it's on to this week's questions...the first questions of 2005:  to play you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals], or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  (And if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment!)  Enjoy!

 

1. Where were you when the clock struck midnight?  With whom did you ring in the new year?

I was sick in bed at midnight. Then my phone rang in the new year with calls that came in from both sides of the country and the party I missed. "You still sick?" "Boy are you missing out." Finally got back to sleep after three.

2. Do you have any foods you always eat on New Year's Day, and if so, what do the foods signify for your family?

This year it will be Gatorade, Jello, and chicken soup. They signify that I'm finally able to keep some food down.

3. Do you believe that these "superstitious foods" work?

I sure hope so.

4. Did you make any New Year's Resolutions this year, and if so, which of them do you honestly expect to have kept by December 31, 2005?

I learned a long time ago that resolutions were way too easy to break. Since I don't like to break promises I don't make any more resolutions.

5. What is the most enjoyable DVD you purchased in 2004?  What's the most enjoyable DVD boxed set you purchased in 2005?

I purchased so many DVD's I can't remember which one I liked best.  There were a couple of terrible ones with John Travolta though.  The only two boxed sets I want are The Godfather and Star Wars [you can have HP and LOTR]. Since I still have them in VHS, I'm in no hurry.

PS-- this just in, one of my brothers gave me a bunch of DVD's, including a boxed set of Harry Potter [HP].  I didn't give it back.

6. What would you most like to see change in AOL Journal-land in 2005?

I'd like to have people in charge who aren't deaf. Most of the problems we had months ago are still problems now. Is anybody listening?

Thoughts for the New Year

This morning, Mrs. Linklater accidentally discovered that clicking on a person's screenname in a comment took her to their profile.  So she decided to start collecting personal quotes before she went back to bed again.  Anyway, it was something to start the new day in the new year before the bowl games get under way.  She'll add more when she has time.  Feel free to help out.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it -- this is the one in Mrs. L's profile.   

Some things are true whether you believe them or not.  

You get what you put in and people get what they deserve.  ~ Kid Rock

Beginnings are scary. endings are usually sad.
but it's the middle that counts. you need to remember that when you're at the beginning. ~ Hope Floats  

When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished.  [Tommy Smothers]  

HAVE FUN, PLAY HARD!  

You have to get through the storm to see the rainbow.  

A "no" uttered fromdeepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. ~M.Gandhi~

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~  

Live for each moment. 

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
(James Branch Cabell, The Silver Stallion, 1926)

Don't feel bad about growing old;  it is a privilege denied to many.

Question Authority

We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing the unbelievable for so long with so little that we now attempt the impossible with nothing.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate.  It is you.  --Jean Cocteau

Illegitimi non carborundum  - Gen Vinegar Joe Stilwell

Sometimes things have to fall apart so you can build them back up the way you want them.

Boys throw stones in jest, but frogs die in earnest.

You are the perfect example of a man too lazy to fail.
-- my wife

Those who use quotes have no orginality. ~Bob Hope

Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.  ~Elvis Presley

"Please buy my pens to support God and the deaf."    ~The deaf girl that came to the door selling pens

The longest journey in life is from head to heart.

Be kind for everyone you know is fighting a great battle.

 

 

Patrick's Saturday Six

I'm a week behind. So here's the Christmas Six.

To play you can either answer the questions in a comment at Patrick's Place [see Other Journals], or put the answers in an entry on your journal. Either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  (And if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment!)  Enjoy!

1. Did you travel for the Christmas holidays?  If so, how did you get where you were going and how was the trip?

Went to Vegas baby.  Flew.  Great flight on a perfect, clear, sunny day.  Two feet of snow to the east, but not a cloud from Chicago to Nevada. Christmas was sunny and close to 60 degrees. Came back in a recordbreaking rain storm. Left two hours late.  But the captain put the pedal to the metal and we made it back in an amazing 2.5 hours -- instead of three hours and twenty minutes.

2. Did you get most of the gifts you were hoping for?

Since all I wanted was to hang out with my family, I was not disappointed.

3. If you were to check Santa's list, would your name appear to indicate that you had been good enough in 2004 to have DESERVED those gifts?

I am always more than good enough. In a Mae West kinda way.

4. If you HAD to make one New Year's Resolution next year, what would it be?

Never make another resolution. 

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #36 from Mrs. L:  What is your favorite kind of Christmas cookie or dessert?

Hey, this is my question!! And my answers are: 1)Christmas tree sugar cookies that I bake myself, but not this year. And, 2) French silk pie with a meringue shell crust or apple pie with cheddar cheese melted on top, or "The Great Wall", a white and chocolate mousse dessert surrounded by four walls of cracker shaped meringue made at EurAsia, a Chicago restaurant that closed, so I can't have it anymore. 

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #37 from Promise:  Who inspires you the most in your life?

Hillary Clinton is an inspiration to all women with philandering husbands -- a triumph of hope over experience.  Howard Stern is an inspiration to every kid who was a dork in high school -- he gets to fondle all those women who wouldn't give him the time of day. Ben Affleck is an inspiration to every pretty face without an ounce of talent -- he's laughing all the way to the bank.  George Bush is an inspiration to slackers everywhere. . .

Okay, seriously -- my mother, my aunts, my daughters, and my longtime girlfriends are my daily inspirations. Some days I need them all.