Sweet Home Chicago

 


Scalzi's weekend assignment is to write about Chicago. About damn time. Since Mrs. Linklater has stuffed pizza, Second City and da Bears in her DNA, she can barely contain her happiness at getting to write about her favorite town. However, real llife intervenes for now, so a picture of an evening with the girls at Ravinia Festival will have to suffice until she can free up some time to pimp Shecawgo.

Weekend Assignment #79:  Chicago! It's a toddlin' town. Share some of your favorite things about the City of Big Shoulders. If you've ever been to Chicago, memories of your visit would be a topic. If you live in or near Chicago, some hometown favorite things would be good. If you've never been, share your favorite Chicago-related thing, from the Jordan-era Bulls to the Blues Brothers to Ferris Bueller. As long as it's tangentially related to Chicago, it's all good.

Extra Credit: Chicago Deep Dish Pizza -- the best pizza ever? Your thoughts.

Let me start with the extra credit portion by saying my favorite deep dish pizza in Chicago is from Edwardo's -- the tomato sauce is so fresh I swear they grow their own tomatoes out back. And the mozzarella has a delicious texture and exuberant flavor I love. Giordano's isn't bad either. Hey, Scalzi loves it, how bad could it be? On the other hand, I think thin crust New York style pizza, sliced like a pie and folded in half lengthwise for eating is too chewy and skimpy for me. Don't tell my friends in New Jersey.

For thin crust pizza I like, try Pizza D.O.C., a Chicago  neighborhood restaurant up on Lawrence Avenue east of Western. They have the closest thing to real Neapolitan pizza that I've ever had. Even a brick oven to cookit in. Thin, thin, very crispy crust with wonderful, imaginative toppings, as well as the traditional tomato sauce and basil sprinkled with cheese. There's place in the northern suburbs called McCarthy's that I also love. Usually the one of a kind places have the best flavor, variety, and freshness.

After you eat, go ride the ferris wheel at Navy Pier. It takes ten minutes to make the full rotation, so you won't upchuck. The view of the city is spectacular in a city with great views everywhere. And take a sunset ride on the Odyssey, that's one of the boats docked there. Maybe book a romantic dinner for two.

The Museum Campus lets you walk between the Field Museum to the Shedd Aquarium to the Planetarium or Soldier Field.  Along the lakeshore. The Art Institute is just a short cab ride away and a short walk from Buckingham Fountain. With Orchestra Hall across the street. And Millennium Park and The Bean across another street. The Museum of Science and Industry is fascinating, just fifteen minutes down the road, near the University of Chicago, which is itself a beautiful example of gothic architecture. The University of Illinois at Chicago, a short drive from the Loop, attracts architectural aficionados from all over the world.

I live in the northern suburbs where we have the Chicago Botanic Garden within walking distance of the Ravinia Festival. You can spend the day wandering the garden's 325 acres, eating their wonderful food, shopping for gifts, attending a class perhaps, then walk over to Ravinia for an evening of music from blue grass to classical on the lawn. Or you can sit in the pavilion. Then catch the train downtown -- it stops right at the Festival.

My favorite candy shop is in one of the southern suburbs, Lockport. Holllingworth candies [spelled without an"s" if you Google them] has the best homemade caramel apples and English toffee I've tasted.  I drove forty-five minutes from my house just to buy some. The caramel is thick and gooey enough to rip out your crowns. They even warn you. It happened to me anyway. And they use huge, tart green apples to balance the sweetness.

There are not one but two excellent zoos.  One's in Lincoln Park -- the Lincoln Park Zoo, right near the lake. The other is a train or car ride away in a southwestern suburb, Brookfield, but its size, over 300 acres, animal collection and and magnificent habitats make it worth the trip, because you'll want to spend the entire day.

No matter what season you come to Chicago, take a walk along the lake or get a bike and ride the twelve miles from the north to the south side. What a terrific view of the city, from either direction. Take a ride down the Chicago River if you can, in one of the scenic tourist boats. Check out the archtectural tours, too.

If you like wonderful quirky shops, don't miss Armitage Avenue on the north side. Southport is another great street for creative clothing and accessories in the Lakeview neighborhood.

Try Hot Tix for half price seats on the day you want to see a performance.  There are always shows in town.

There are so many great restaurants all over town, from Gary to Lake Forest. Google Check Please, the PBS show that reviews local restaurants every week for suggestions and reviews.

For a great hot dog, Hot Doug's on California is something else.  Fries cooked in duck fat on the weekends.  And that's just for starters.  The best dogs in town as far as I'm concerned. But you'll get an argument on that one.

Chicago is a great sports town, but tickets are usually scarce during theseason -- even for Sox games lately. Two baseball teams, two hockey teams, men's and women's pro basketball teams, professional soccer, and football. There even used to be TWO football teams -- but the Cardinals left years ago.

Google Metromix to check out what's going on in town from shows to restaurants to shopping to festivals.

Walk Michigan Avenue [the Magnificent Mile]. Stroll down Oak street. Take a right on Rush Street. Or go around the corner for a bowl of bookbinder soup at the oyster bar in the Cape Cod Room at the Drake. Walk two blocks to Oak Street beach. By the way, just try walking to the beach in the middle of any other major metro area in the country. Go across the street and take the elevator to the top of the Hancock. Tale in the view from the Sears Tower, see a show at Second City or Steppenwolf, visit Hyde Park, the Garfield Park Conservatory, the Morton Arboretum, the list goes on and on,

And I haven't even hit the night spots.

Double Chins

Actually the theme of this entry isn't chins, but what kind of a car do you think chinboy should be driving?  He's chauffering me around in his dad's car in the picture, so don't go by that. Usually he's driving his sister-in-law's old Saturn he inherited and doesn't really care. It's time to get his act together, so with your help I will tell him what you think. 

There's Another Story Here

I don't know what the story's gonna be, but the picture is a start. Well, I do know the story, I was there.  You got any ideas?

I actually think this guy is younger than I am.  But he's only a prop in the picture.

He's picking cherries in a Wisconsin orchard by the way.

There's a Story Here

These bison have nothing to do with the story of Miracle, the sacred white buffalo born in Wisconsin in 1994. Except they're in Wisconsin, too. You can read about Miracle here.

There are lots of pictures and you can learn why the white buffalo was so important to the Sioux and other tribes across the country. 

I stopped by the road on my way home from Door County earlier this summer and got this picture of these locals taking it easy during the hot part of the day. [I had no idea they might be from New Orleans.]

These buffalo are not too far from where Miracle lived her short life in Janesville. Gimme a minute or two to read up on all this stuff, okay? Chew your cud or something. Actually, click on that previous link and you will know almost as much as I do.

And I can watch TV or something.

Ashton and Demi -- Married or Punk'd?

Okay Demi and Ashton have tied the knot -- cue the frosting on the cake. Mrs. Linklater sees nothing but trouble. Not for them. For every older woman who thinks that forty-something with stretch marks and spider veins is now the new eighteen.

Thanks to botox, facelifts, and boobs only money can buy, the Kutchy Kutchy Koosome look pretty much the same age. In fact, you'd think the lovebirds had gone to high school together.

Owing to the miracle of modern science, the nearly two decade, okay, fifteen year difference between them has been reduced to a New York minute.

Most women in their forties don't have the dough or the makeover team it takes to make that happen.

Mrs. L has also read that the happy couple first hooked up just after Demi's 50,000 mile overhaul at forty. Ashton has confessed that he didn't recognize her when he sat down to chat the night they met.  

Surgery can do that to you.

It shouldn't come as any surprise that the weekend's nuptials came just a heartbeat before Demi's expiration date runs out on her eggs.

You don't think Ashton married just for love do you? You also realize that Demi is probably P.G. already? Or she has a note from her doctor that she can still have babies. An older woman has to pass auditions to marry a younger man and that includes being able to produce offspring. No baby maker, no marriage.

While Mrs.Linklater is happy for this mixed generation couple, she feels compelled to provide a reality check for any women over forty, currently dating much younger men, who think there's hope for a similar outcome to their relationships.

Yo, all you Mrs. Robinsons, you've got two chances of marriage and family with your studly hunk of burning younger love -- SLIM and NONE.

Anything more than five years' difference gets dicey. A ten to fifteen year difference is possible if you can make babies, but don't expect happily ever after. If a guy is more than ten or fifteen years younger and he wants to get married, he might be gay. Especially if he doesn't want to reproduce himself.

The good news about dating younger men is that they are younger men. The bad news is that they are almost always thinking short term; you are probably thinking long term.

Mrs. L worries that older women will now have false hope. Thanks to Ashton and Demi they actually think they have a prayer of enjoying a similar end to their May-December liaisons.

Not in this lifetime, my dears.

Mrs. Linklater has been dating younger men since high school.  Starting out as a senior chick hanging out with the junior boys. The one year difference in her teens became five years in her twenties, twelve years in her thirties, fifteen and seventeen years in her forties -- eighteen years in her fifties, and, well, you get the idea.

Ironically, she married someone one year older. Had two children and divorced him.

Afterward, she tuned down three chances to remarry younger men because she had her own dealbreaker -- no more kids. Unfortunately, they hadn't had kids so they expected her to have their spawn. But she didn't want any more babies. So they moved on. The need to plant their seed was stronger than Mrs. Linklater's recipe for tuna tettrazini and so many other skills.

So what's the big deal about older women?  

Duh.

Here's the dressed up version: Older women are more confident, independent and sure of themselves. We know what we want and aren't afraid to ask for it. And yes, men appreciate the fact that we don't play games. Probably because we forget things more easily, so why bother.

Reality: Younger men like older, attractive women because they figure it'll be the best sex they ever had. Hog Doggy!!! When it's over, they think they can just leave and nobody will have any regrets. They want the experience and no responsibility.

Also many men who like older women have been seduced in high school or college by a woman in her mid thirties. How does Mrs. Linklater know?  She asks. From that point on older women seem to hold a lifelong fascination for them.

Here's other stuff Mrs. Linklater has learned after all these years:

Younger men are more fun, more open, more experimental, and more concerned about pleasing, probably because older women are too.

If you want to marry one that has never had children, be prepared to have his child.

Exception to this rule -- if you have had a boy, you might be off the hook.

Don't be stupid, do a background check before he moves in. Con men, pedophiles, abusers, etc. all seem pretty normal at first.

If he's more than fifteen years younger, get a GAY-dar detector. Watch for signs of fussiness, like folding a little point on the toilet paper, and vacuuming without being asked. Washing dishes is always okay, however.

Chances are very good that a younger man won't marry you, but he will call for years afterward, even after he gets married to someone else. He may even stop by unannounced to see how wrinkled you're getting and be surprised that you haven't turned into a prune.

Mrs. Linklater says to make sure you deny him privileges, since he had his chance. This may even require napalm if he doesn't get the hint to go away.

Older woman/younger man hook ups are most successful when the party of the first part looks about the same age as the party of the second. Or, if, by some miracle of genetics, he actually looks older.

Usually a younger man  thinks the older woman is a lot younger than she is when they meet. So he doesn't mind when he finds out her real age.

Or if he knows you're older, he's attracted to you anyway. Make sure you're the attraction and not your money, if you have it. 

There's no reason to lie about your age. If you look good, age doesn't matter.

Well, actually it does. You don't want to become a curiosity for your younger man's friends. Or his mother. She will hate you, by the way, especially if you have kids. Mrs. Linklater met one mom. That was enough.

Meanwhile, where were we? Oh yes, don't smoke, you sound much older, especially on the phone. Your voice is a big part of the attraction. Or not.

Respect the cold light of day.

Nothing pushes the EEEEEWWWWWW button like the sight of a forty something woman, looking like the mother of the bride in a chiffon cocktail dress, dancing on the beach at ten in the morning with a twenty something hunk in dress pants and a t-shirt, both with drinks in their hands.

Mrs. Linklater actually saw this couple in Malibu and watched them with a fascination usually reserved for train wrecks. Hey, get a room!!

Which brings Mrs. L to her final thought -- nobody cares what goes on in private. A worldclass volleyball player she knew continued a long, very clandestine "relationship" with a woman who was old enough to be his mother. And, frankly, looked like it, too.

Meanwhile, as people start laying bets on how long the Demi and Ashton liaison will last, don't forget he is a great kidder.

We may have all been punk'd.

Keep My Day Job

Good thing I don't gamble.

I figured that since Rancy [I meant Nancy, I mean, RANDY] Moss was playing for the Raiders now, Oakland had a chance against the Eagles, who were really hurting this week.

But N-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!  Eagles win when their hamstrung kicker makes a field goal in the last seconds. He figured it was only one second of complete agony for a chance to win the game. He was right on both counts.

I picked the Bears over Cincy because I live in Chicago. I know, there's is absolutely no rational reason for that choice. Mainly because the Bengals' QB, Carson Palmer, is, and probably always will be, a better quarterback than Kyle Orton.

Bears don't just lose. They get killed. Orton, the rookie who didn't look too bad last week, gets picked off five times. Ha.

I picked Pittsburgh over the Patriots because the Pats were pretty beat up. I also like Big Ben. But the Patriots' kicker won it in the last seconds. In his first twenty games Ben has only lost two. Both to the Patriots. By the way, did he shave his head or does he have a fungus?

I picked Tampa Bay over Green Bay. I guess I thought it was about time they won. Hey, they did. I celebrated with some cheese.

I picked New Orleans over Minnesota by using the Katrina factor. I believe that thinking went something like "evacuees play harder." Minnesota looked really bad without Randy Moss, when they lost the week before. And Culpepper looked chubby.

Needless to say, Minnesota wiped up the stadium with the Saints. Turns out they have a rookie who can catch.

This is why I'm asked to sit by myself in another room when the games are on.

And my bank accounts are frozen on game days.

Tagged Again

Patrick tagged me on one of the latest random memes
spreading across the blogosphere. 

So he sent me into the archives of "Mrs. Linklater's Guide to the Universe" for the answer.  Here we go.

The rules are simple:

1) Go to your journal's archives.
2) Find the 23rd post.
3) Find the 5th sentence in that post.
4) Post that sentence with these instructions.
5) Tag five more people.


My post was called "Mrs. Linklater Sinks to Swimming." 
http://journals.aol.com/jevanslink/AskMrsLinklater/entries/553

The fifth sentence says:
"The excellent thing about swimming is that you don't need high quality joints and cartilage to get from one end of a pool to the other."

I tag:

Yakvette -- this will so annoy her and probably get her another TOS
Swibirun -- for sure his will be interesting
Emmapeeldallas -- I owe her for tagging me on something else
Gaboatman -- something to entertain the man who is up earlier than anybody
artloner -- something to entertain the woman who never sleeps

Help Jeffcomedy

Jeff over at "What the hell. . . ?"  needs help.

The link refuses to work no matter what I do, so copy and paste this:
http://journals.aol.com/jeffcomedy/Whatthehell/entries/1434

Jeff has asked for topics to write about. He's looking for one or two word subjects, probably, but I don't think he was too fussy. He's accepting suggestions via email [jeffcomedy] or via comments in his journal.

Here are some of my thoughts for him based on a few things happening to me and the people in my life:

Wedding dress

Favorite sweater

Missing sock

Seedless watermelon

Garbage bag

Ants

Psychic fairs

Lint

Bad breath

16 ounce red plastic cup

Lava lamp

Grass stains

Backdoor light

Lip gloss

Scrambled eggs

Digital clock

Levees

Allergies

Deodorant

Dirty feet

Rental car

Bratwurst

Key

Caramel apple

Loose crown

Fish

Olive oil cap

Purse

Fan

Faux leopard scarf

Plastic box

Paper plate

TV antenna

Old slides

Lamp

Fedex box

Hoody

Slice of cheese

Belly button

Mandarin orange segments




Mrs. Linklater is here to help.

Meanwhile, check out Thoughts and Ramblings in my Other Journals.  Chris [Swibirun] has taken all the words and woven a very entertaining story using all of them.  Clever man.

Autumn is Early

 

Fall is early this year. Trees have been losing their leaves since August because of the drought. Driving through the Pennsylvania hills on the way back from my trip out east in mid September, I noticed trees changing color already. Instead of the long slow transition from green to yellow to red leaves, the maples and oaks are probably just going to drop them to the ground curled up and brown, from the exhaustion of so much heat and so little water.

Last year we had some perfect autumn days. Bright reds, oranges and yellows against a backdrop of astonishing blue.  It was one of those times when Mother Nature was in a good mood and announced the demise of one season and the arrival of another with an explosion of color. Women can be so dramatic. 

Actually, the drama for me is that I feel like I just took these photos yesterday. And they're from last year.

Patrick's Saturday Six Rita Whips It Up Edition

FIRST DRAFT -- RUN SCREAMING TO THE SAFETY OF YOUR HOMES

I'm getting the feeling that if Rita were a flesh and blood woman she'd be a dominatrix, snapping her whip and ordering people to their knees. Either that or she's just a desperate housewife with terrible PMS trying to get her husband to help with the chores. He must have calmed her down a bit since she came on land without the ferocity the weather guys up in the planes kept reporting. Maybe somebody got her some Xanax and she decided to chill. Of course, tell that to the New Orleans folks who got flooded again. I understand how prehistoric people ascribed supernatural powers to natural events. This all feels very apocalyptic to me.  


1. Of the following, which one best describes you at your worst?  (You can't select "None of the above!")
   a. One who doesn't finish what he/she starts
   b. One who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk
   c. One who always finds the worst in a situation
   d. One who generally knows what's right but does what's wrong

Don't give me that you can't select NONE OF THE ABOVE stuff. I'll do what I want.

So -- I finish everything I start professionally. But I am such a dud, personally.There are many things I want to do and can do that I start and let sit. For instance -- and this is the tip of the iceberg, I have a  baby blanket from 30 years ago that is still half finished over there in the corner.

I am used to talking the talk AND walking the walk in my life. If I say I can do something, I can do it. But time has taken its toll on my body and desire. Lately I back off when it looks like I have to carry the burden of responsibility myself. Something that never stopped me before. Now, no thanks, I would rather nap.

Bascially, I never used to bite off more than I could chew. Now I have to gum everything.

I always look for the opportunities, not the problems in a situation. I have no patience with naysayers. I will shut them down or remove them if they don't get on board. The first person off my team is the one who says, "You can't do that."  I want the people who see the impossible and say, "How can we make it happen?"

I do what's right when it comes to other people. And my children. If I witness a traffic accident I let the police or the victim know what I saw. I spent four years and was a witness in two trials for one person against a lying bitch who ran a red light right past me and slammed into a car full of children broadside. I've also been called three times by insurance companies for other people who counted on me to help. But I often do stupid stuff when it comes to my own life. Nothing illegal. Just not judicious. Whaddya mean, you want details? Not happening, you nosy people.

2. Not counting shows like Saturday morning cartoons designed specifically for kids, what single show that you grew up watching religiously is now the one you most hate to sit through?

Once a week when I was a little kid, I Love Lucy was on. My whole family watched it religiously. This is the ORIGINAL show that I'm talking about. I loved it. Same with Jackie Gleason.  Now I hate anything with Lucillle Ball. And I retch when I see the Honeymooners.
 
3. Have youever been so angry with a company that you swore you'd never do business with them again?  If so, did you keep that promise?

I swore I'd never fly American Airlines because of something that happened to a family member. But I got permission from the person who was treated badly to fly them again. That was tough. It meant pretty much flying United only -- all the time. My boycott lasted a year.  Now I've crossed the Hyatt off my list because of how they arranged to have their guests and employees jump the line ahead of the evacuees in New Orleans.  That one is easier, since there are plenty of hotel chains.

4. Take this quiz:  Are you psychic?
I'll be back with the answer.


You Are 70% Psychic
You are pretty psychic.
While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on.
And although you're sometimes off on your predictions...
You're more often right than wrong
So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #68 from Lily: What's the longest you've talked on the phone in a single phone call, and who were you talking to?

A guy I knew moved to LA and we used to be on the phone for as much as three hours at a time, two and three times a week. I've watched entire football, basketball and baseball games on the phone with girlfriends in other cities.  Usually I avoid phone dates now. There was a guy I used to call Telephone Dave. He lived in the next town and couldn't meet me for a chat in person?  After a few long calls, I said Hasta La Bye Bye. Make plans or make yourself scarce became my motto.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #69 from Betty:   (She recently returned from a trip to Las Vegas!)  How do you feel about gambling?

I feel about gambling the way I feel about drinking, smoking and using illegal drugs, I don't need it in my life. Yes, I know that makes me a self-righteous prig. But who better to carry the banner? 

By the way -- I went to Las Vegas for the first time last Christmas. Nice town. There's plenty to do there besides gambling.

DUCK

Duck, North Carolina. Lots of geese, egrets, wild horses, gulls, blackbirds, and a couple of hawks.  But no ducks that I could see.

Here's one last picture [maybe] that my brother took during my visit to the Outer Banks. I love that he caught the light on my hair and kept the rest of me in shadow. Women over sixty appreciate the judicious use of reduced lighting in their photos. Less is more. In fact, like Dick Cheney, you'll rarely see me outside during the day.

Last Year's J-Land Award Winners

THE KING/QUEEN OF J-LAND
GoldenchildNC - "Golden Child, Superstar!"


LORD OF THE BLOG
(Best Male Journal)
ScreaminRemo303 - "Screamin' Remo"


LADY OF THE BLOG
(Best Female Journal)
Slowmotionlife - "A Life In Slow Motion"


MOST LAUGH-OUT-LOUD (LOL) MOMENTS IN ONE JOURNAL
Jeffcomedy - "What the Hell...?"


BEST GRAPHICS
(Non-Animated)
GoldenchildNC - "Golden Child, Superstar!"


BEST USE OF ANIMATION
VivianSullinwank - "Viv's E-Thoughts"


THE SHUTTERBUG AWARD
(Best Photo-Blog)
Sonensmilinmon - "Backroads of Life"


MOST THOUGHT-PROVOKING JOURNAL
ReadmeReadyou - "Life As I see It"


THE ROOTIE TOOTIE FRESH 'N FRUTIE AWARD
(Best New Journal)    
Danielled1 - "Everybody Knows"


BEST THEME-BASED JOURNAL    
Sekirley - "Stories from My Ambulance"


BEST USE OF MASKED VULGARITIES    
Musenla - "Amused"


BEST USE OF GRANDIOSE BEHAVIOR
A tie:
Floralillia - "The Queen of Pointless Posting"
and:
LAMove04 - "Albert's Artsy World of Fun"


BEST J-BRAT ON THE BLOCK    
(Bloggers Aged 14 and Younger)
JBCoupe - "My Frog Journal"


THE J-TEEN SUPREME
(Bloggers 15-18)
SvenskGirl - "Emily's Life"


THE MAD HATTER AWARD
(Bloggers who take whining and complaining to the level of an artform.)
Karensull12 - "Jukebox Woman"


I'S GOT GOOD GRAMMAR AWARD
(Best-Written Journal)
ReadmeReadyou - "Life As I see It"


MOST CREATIVE/ORIGINAL JOURNAL
Haikulike - "Interactive Haikus"


THE GREATEST STORY/STORIES EVER TOLD
Barebytes - "Community Story Book"


MOST HEART-WARMING JOURNAL ENTRY OR ENTIRES
MKGNinja - "Melissa's Misunderstandings of Life"
 for Entry no. 1073: "Happy Anniversary Baby"


GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AWARD
(Best UK Journal Overall)
Dave the Sod - "World of the Sod"


SIR BLOGS-A-LOT
(Best UK Male Journal)
DavetheSod - "World of the Sod"


THE J-QUEEN OF ENGLAND
(Best UK Female Journal)
Agathas Place - "Damn, Blast, Bulloks"

Mrs. Linklater's Alternative J-Land Awards

Oh, so you think Mrs. Linklater wouldn't have an opinion on this?  She has an opinion on everything. It's just that sometimes she spares you.

Funniest Damn Mommy Award -- To the mother who can still smile through all the crap

Ye Olde Philosopher Award --  To the person who can count the angels on the head of a pin and keep your attention

Most Likely To Be TOSed Award -- To that special someone who walks along the edge of greatness down a slippery slope to AOL jailtime.

The Biggest Bullshooter Award -- This can be a good thing or a slap upside the head thing.

The Take My Life And Shove It Award -- To the person who wallows the best in the awfulness of his or her existence

The Person I'd Most Like to Meet Award -- Because they're weird, wonderful, wild or you wish you could wed them -- this one is wide open

The Couple Most Likely To Play Out Their Entire Relationship In Front of J-Land Award -- Mrs. Linklater thinks this one is already taken

The Best J-Land Journal To Suggest What AOL Can Do With Itself Award -- In case you have been living under the bed for the past two years, life in J-Land hasn't always been a lovefest, ya know?

The Journal Most In Need Of Medication -- when the symptoms take up more space than the words, we have a winner

From Robbush6, more than a couple of fine suggestions:

i refuse to use capital letters award -- Mrs. L hopes she doesn't have to explain this one

My Life In The Third Person Award -- Mrs. Linklater wonders who in the world might be eligible for this?

The Pencils Down Award -- for the J-Lander who has quit the most

From meforevermore:

The Train Wreck Award -- for the journal you just can't stop reading but you don't know why

You're So Vain Award -- Mrs. L fears she may qualify for this one

From Remo:

The Best Living Through Prescription Pharmaceuticals Award -- How could Mrs. L have left this one off the list? Her mind is spinning with possible nominees.

From sieblonde:

The What the Fook Are You Talking About? Award -- To the journal that makes you ask "Huh?" when you read it because even though it uses words, they aren't saying anything.

Mrs. Linklater has the feeling she's just getting started here.  Feel free to add your own awards.  She's an equal opportunity thief of good ideas.

The VIVI Awards

Go to Patrick's Place for details about this year's awards.

J-Land's version of the Emmys and Oscars will now be called VIVIs, in honor of Vivian our mistress of anniversary celebrations.

This year's categories are:

JOURNAL OF THE YEAR
The top honor:  a journal that stands out above all others in 2005.

LORD OF THE BLOG
Best U.S. Male Journal

LADY OF THE BLOG
Best U.S. Female Journal

DUKE OF THE BLOG
Best U.K. Male Journal

DUCHESS OF THE BLOG
Best U.K. Female Journal

MARQUIS/MARQUISE OF THE BLOG
NEW!  Best Canadian Journal

BEST INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL
NEW!  Best Journal originating in countries other than U.S., U.K. and Canada

BEST USE OF GRAPHICS
Journal with most effective/creative use of original non-animated graphics.

BEST USE OF ANIMATION
Journal with most effective/creative use of original animated graphics.

BEST USE OF PHOTOGRAPHY
Journal with most effective/creative use of original photography.

MOST HUMOROUS JOURNAL
Journal producing the most laughs among readers.

MOST EMOTIONAL JOURNAL
Journal producing the most distinct emotional response among readers, happy or sad.  This is the journal that gives readers a real sense that they're reading something straight from the writer's heart.

MOST THOUGHT-PROVOKING JOURNAL
Journal written in a way to inspire dialog and/or raise awareness about issues that might otherwise go unnoticed.

MOST OUTSPOKEN JOURNAL
Journal with powerful entries that tackle tough issues head-on.  It's not about "masked vulgarities" or anything else that might make the TOS people raise an eyebrow; it's more about writing honestly without any fears of telling it like it is.

BEST USE OF ATTITUDE
Journal with creative and effective use of grandiose behavior.

MOST WELL-WRITTEN JOURNAL
Best use of grammar.

BEST FICTION/POETRY JOURNAL
Journal consisting of original fiction or poetry that stands out among the rest.

BEST INDIVIDUAL ENTRY OR SERIES OF ENTRIES
Award for a single entry or series of related entries on a particular topic.

BEST THEME-BASED JOURNAL
Journal that sticks primarily to one single topic or theme, from Sports to Travel to Politics to Career to Religion, and rarely deviates from that topic while still maintaining reader interest.

BEST YOUNG PERSON'S JOURNAL
Outstanding Journal written by people aged 14 or younger.

BEST TEEN JOURNAL
Outstanding Journal written by people aged 15-18

BEST NEW JOURNAL
Most outstanding journal created since July 1, 2004. (That gives a little more than a year of eligibility, but the official nominations of last year's awards were named around July 18th, and I wanted to make sure everyone who had begun their journals around that time had the opportunity to participate.)

BEST AIM JOURNAL
NEW!  Specifically to feature journals created by AIM Users. Since AIM journals are a relatively recent possibility, all of the AIM journals themselves would automatically be "new."

BEST-KEPT SECRET JOURNAL
NEW!  Most outstanding journal that is older than a year, but that readers feel hasn't received the attention it deserves.

MOST-MISSED JOURNAL
NEW!  A journal you miss the most:  one that still exists but has not been updated in any way in at least three months that readers wish would be regularly updated again.  Consider it the "Best Abandoned Journal."  Maybe this award will change that!

MOST CREATIVE/ORIGINAL JOURNAL
NEW!  Outstanding journal that creates a unique experience for readers.  It need not be necessarily the best journal in all of J-land, but it is the one journal with such a distinct voice that a reader could identify by reading a single entry.  It is different from the "Journal of the Year" category in that it may not be the biggest standout of the year overall, but it is regularly such a special place to visit that you want to come back always.

Save Marshall Field's

If you don't live in Chicago, this won't matter to you. But it's so typical of New York's attitude toward the rest of the country.

Recently, those condescending, arrogant bastards made a pre-emptive strike on a Chicago institution. Marshall Field's will change its name to Macy's. They've also done the same thing to Portland, St. Louis and other cities with famous destination department stores. But everybody in Chicago is fed up to here with their attitude and the fight has just begun.

I hate New York. Compared to Chicago it's filthy and mean. Every time I've had to spend time there the garbage has been piled up on the sidewalks because of a strike.  And the double parked delivery trucks out front tying up traffic all day? WTF? Didn't anybody realize that one of the most populous cities in the world might need a place to leave its messes and drop off its stuff?

Chicago was built on a grid. We utilize a remarkable concept -- alleys -- to run between and behind the buildings for deliveries and garbage. You don't put your toilet out in the living room, do ya?

The fathers of my city, as opposed to the wankers of their city, preserved the extraordinary beauty of our waterfront instead of letting it be defiled with docks and industry.

As a matter of fact, back in the 1800's Chicago passed New York in size, as it rebuilt itself from the ground up after the fire. So New York, like a jealous bitch, annexed Brooklyn to remain the largest city in the country.  

As if by some inalienable right, New York has always flaunted its size and allegedly cosmopolitan status and shoved it down Chicago's and everybody else's throats. To them we're second class.  The Second City.

So, like Avis, we shrugged our shoulders and embraced the designation. When you're number two you try harder. And it keeps paying off.  For example, where would the phrase LIVE FROM NEW YORK be without all the actors from Second City to say it?

But New York doesn't like it when anybody shows them up. So, instead of just wishing us well, they keep trying to horn in on our turf. The Donald started pressing the envelope when he put one of his casinos in Gary, Indiana, which is right in our backyard. Then he had the balls to announce plans to put a huge skyscraper on the Chicago River, something akin to bringing a stripper home to meet your mom. Nobody in Chicago wants any fooking Trump Towers here.

And now this latest insult. When the president of Federated Department Stores announced that Chicago's 140 year old shopping institution, Marshall Field's, will have its name changed to Macy's next year.

With the kind of patronizing audacity you might expect, he went on to say that two thirds of the people they surveyed said they would not mind the change. Who did they talk to? New Yorkers?

As Roger Ebert put it, changing the name from Field's to Macy's is like coming to Chicago and changing the name of the Cubs to the Mets. Roger Ebert? Pissed? You know when you get a movie critic incensed about something that has nothing to do with, well, movies, the gloves are off.

My personal feeling is that all the flagship stores that have been swallowed up by these and other huge buyouts ought to revert back to their original names. Hudson's in Detroit. Famous-Barr in St. Louis, Marshall Field's in Chicago, the list goes on and on.

Return the original flagship store to its home. Honor its heritage and meaning to that city. Each town can have that one store restored to its former look and feel. Bring back its glory. People used to come to those cities just for the chance to shop at these legendary department stores. Let's return to the good old days.

What exactly does the name Macy's bring to the party anyway? The thought of giant balloons floating above the street?  Yeah, that's classy.

Personally, there is only ONE Marshall Field's store for me. It's on State and Madison in Chicago with the big clock marking its presence. Restore it to the grandeur it had in the old days. Before it got sold. Harrod's has nothing on that magnificent place. The tradition of the Walnut Room, the window displays, and The 28 Shop, the first of its kind, made it a one of a kind place. So make it one of a kind again. Then bring back its old tagline, "There's nothing like it back home."  

That's what they ought to do.  But they won't.  They're New Yorkers.

Looking for the name of the the president of Federated, so I could write and tell the guy he was FOS [thanks Mo] I found this web site:

http://www.chicagoist.com/archives/2005/09/20/fields_to_become_macys_in_fall_2006.php

Fields to Become Macy's in Fall 2006

Just noticed the Trib has a breaking news story - In the fall of next year, all Marshall Field's stores will convert to Macy's. This includes all 62 locations in Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, Indiana, Ohio and SD. So.. Marshall Fields on State St. becomes Macy's on State.

Federated, who bought the May chain that Marshall Field's is a part of, says that they respect the legacy and traditions of Field's and that they researched customer preferences and studied alternatives before making the decision to incorporate Marshall Field's into the nationwide Macy's brand.

They say that while the store's name will change, much (how much is "much"?) of what customers love about Field's will stay the same. They add that they'll do everything they can to "honor the Marshall Field's heritage, particularly in its Chicago birthplace."

Chicagoist asks, "Why not honor the Field's heritage by leaving it's name the same!?"

To let Federated know you're not down with this name change, head over to KeepItFields.org and sign the petition or as we've suggested in the past, let's fill the Federated CEO's mailbox with mail by writing him at:

Mr. Terry J. Lundgren
Chairman, President and CEO
Federated Department Stores, Inc.
7 West Seventh St.
Cincinnati, OH 45202

[Don't let the Ohio address fool you, these are New Yorkers]


Roger Ebert, in a moment of protest, cut up his Marshall Field's charge card.
It's a start.

YOU'VE GOT MALE

Judithheartsong's AOL Artsy Essay Contest for September--LINK

If you could be any animal in the world, what kind of animal would you want to be?

I'm sure that some people will choose one of Dr. Dolittle's collection of creatures, from the Pushmi-Pullyu to Too-Too, the Listener. I expect to read about mythical creatures, from unicorns to centaurs. Or the kings of the jungle, like lions and tigers, oh my. And there will be those who want to pal around with their dogs and cats as, well, dogs and cats.

However, if I had a choice of animals I could be, I would choose to be a male human being.

This always makes my friends wince and change the subject, but they've heard me say I hate being a woman for so many years that they just roll their eyes and ask me if I've taken my medication today.

Of course, having said I'd rather be a man, I have to clarify a couple of things. My disgruntlement isn't a gender identity issue. I'm not a male stuck in a female body. Or a lesbian. I have always been a female attracted to males, but I have hated almost everything about being a woman for years now.

Instead of trying to figure out why, let me tell you what that means. I hope by finally writing this down that I can understand more of why I feel this way.

For me, with very few exceptions, being a woman has never had anything to recommend it. Except as a way to attract men. Even that eluded me, since I grewtaller than all the boys and couldn't grow a set of hooters to save mylife.  I remember wondering if I was supposed to live as a female who was attracted to men, couldn't I at least have something that made them attracted to me? So those became the personality development years.

I could also try to make a joke about having to sit down to pee, but that would reduce my aggravation to one small detail in a much larger picture.

We should probably start with the sociological implications. In our culture, as in most cultures, from the time I was born I was considered "Eewwww, a girl". A wussy, inadequate, badly put together version of a guy.

All my accomplishments in other areas were diminished with sarcastic comparison, "Not bad for a girl." I was a fluke. I think that all the legislation of political correctness has only meant that the real opinions of men about women have gone underground.

Growing up, there were rules wrapped around US as tight as a choke collar that never applied to THEM.

I also had to hear my psychoanalyst father suggest that I had "penis envy."  As if I longed to have one. Missed having one. Needed one. No, Dad, penis envy is something guys experience in the lockerroom. Leave it to the Freudians to project their own fears of castration onto what women think.

I never wanted a penis or considered myself "broken" in any way; I wanted what having one symbolized. No periods for starters. If I envied anything it was male privilege, assigned to their gender by an accident of fate.

There was and still is a list of things I cannot or should not do because I'm female, if not in this country, then certainly across the world. There continue to be cultural barriers I cannot cross and degradation I have experienced for no other reason than I don't have a Y chromosome.

But the cultural issues are nothing compared to the daily physical and emotional crap I have had to put up with because my body is female.

For forty years I had to endure having a period. Biology is destiny became a truth I still can't swallow without gagging. I remember the day "the curse" arrived as if it were a catastrophe of insurmountable proportion. The new thinking is that women should not call it "the curse." Whatever. By any name, it sucks. The process was messy and disgusting. The belts and pads and stains were utterly repulsive to me. I remember saying to my mother, "You mean I have to do this every month for the rest of my life?"  Until I was in my fifties, she said. Might as well be the rest of my life.

She failed to mention the whole day of awful flu-like cramps that arrived like the grim reaper as regularly as the full moon, causing me so much pain and nausea I was medicated with a morphine derivative and a muscle relaxer for seven years. Luckily I wasn't an addictive personality.

All along my mother said "it" would get better after I had kids. She was right, but then the PMS went off the charts. Followed by peri-menopause, which in my case meant twelve years of personality changes that cost me a job I'm sure.  As my fifties finally neared, I told my OB-GYN I couldn't wait for menopause, that magical golden time one year after my last period, when I read that the ocean of emotion would finally calm down. He thought it was funny I felt that way, because it meant I was no longer fertile. Hah. Who needs that? Actually, it meant I would no longer be insane once a month.

And it has been peaceful. No more raging [well, except for this], no more fire in my eyes, no more threats of bodily harm to others.

I knowthat my experience is not shared by most women. But I am not alone, just the only person whining about it.

I do remember just staring at some girl in college when she said that getting her period was one of the most exciting moments of her life. She was all into the old fashioned symbolism of it. For her it was like a milestone, a spotlight on her emerging femininity. It meant she could have kids. She had become an adult. All the discomfort was just part of the romance.

As far as I was concerned she had been totally brainwashed, her mind rendered into a bowl of oatmeal. She bought into all the b.s. and thought it was wonderful.

I did listen however and had fancy cakes made for my daughters to celebrate their first periods.  "Mom, what are you doing?"

Meanwhile, as I grew up I was stuck with the reality of living in my body. That monthly event was like dragging a ball and chain through my life. It was certainly something the boys didn't have to go through. They could continue with all their activities, while my vision, my speed, my coordination, and my life were constantly being assaulted. As time passed, I just considered it another handicap of being female that I had to overcome.

I've mentioned Serena Williams' erratic play in the past, noting that she was probably dealing with female stuff, having difficult periods, etc.  Turns out she had menstrual migraines, yet another debilitating monthly reminder of what it's like to be female. Along with the attractive menstrual cold sores. And have I mentioned acne? The huge zit or forehead break outs that announce your impending bloodletting.

Birth control. another female issue, was ridiculous.

Having an IUD meant ten days of "heavy flow," translation: Hemmorhaging. The pill turned me into a madwoman, with tantrums of a two year old. One of my children is the result of the rhythm method, because I missed a beat. The other resultedfrom a diaphragm that failed. My husband wouldn't let me have my tubes tied and there was no way he'd have a vasectomy. Condoms for anything? For a one night stand maybe. But I don't do auditions. If I did, I'd bring my own protection. Oral sex is probably the most entertaining way to avoid babies.

As for hormone replacement therapy, which doesn't prevent pregnancy, but does prevent the symptoms of menopause, why delay the inevitable? Plus, if you think it's anything more than a huge marketing effort to make money for pharmceutical companies, then slap yourself upside the head.

The hot flashes and night sweats weren't fun, and I felt possessed by a frightening anger at times, but all these symptoms, even though they lasted years, at least signaled that the end of all the craziness would finally be near. I just wanted it to hurry the hell up.

Having spent most of this time bemoaning my fate as a female, there is one reason I never minded being a woman. I loved being pregnant. I felt the moment of conception each time, truly a miracle to experience. I was exceedingly lucky. I never had morning sickness. Or stretch marks. When the time came to deliver, I am proud that I went through childbirth without any anesthesia, except novocain for the episiotomy.

But I would give it all up in a heartbeat to be a man, because as experiences go it represented only a moment or two in a lifetime. I fell down a lot late in my pregnancies. My body looked like it had been taken over by aliens. And boy was childbirth a pain. Not so much the hours of contractions.. But the indignities of losing control of bodily functions. And, afterward, with my first child, there were weeks of nursing where it felt like thousands of tiny needles had been injected into my nipples for a long and painful thirty seconds.I almost switched to bottle feeding, but made it through.

Women who breastfeed also suffer sleep deprivation on a level commensurate with Chinese water torture. As if that weren't punishment enough, let me leave you with two words:  Poopy diapers.

Time to take a breath. As I re-read what I've written, it's beginning to seem to me like I'dlove to be a man mostly because i can't stand what I've been through as a woman.

Is it just that the grass seems greener? That my wish to be a man is based on my naive assumption that without all the dysfunctional female issues, men must have it easier?

Did it start with the old cliche that their bodies don't bloat?  Is it because they are bigger and stronger and don't have to ask for help?  Because their hormones are easy to understand and not nearly as volatile? Because their behavior seems more straight forward? Their gray hair and wrinkles are considered attractive? And have I mentioned they can eat anything?

Over time I've also noticed that men may not show the wide range of emotion that women do, but I believe they feel things more deeply. In another ironic twist, thanks to the women's movement, men can enjoy sex without responsibility, and they've always been able to make babies but not have to push them out.

To add gasoline to this fire, while I consider myself a feminist, I dislike almost all the female cliches. The male bashing, the conniving, and the power shopping are things I have no use for. I have never been a woman's woman. If anything, I'm a man's woman.

I do have an appreciation of all things male. From sports and cars to the food, liquor, and other things they like. I do not think it's because I covet what they have. It's more like I identify with them. Empathy?  Sympathy?  Attraction? I still don't know.

I know that I truly love solving the mystery of what makes men tick. Most women want men to figure them out. I'm fascinated by everything about the male of my species, their bodies, their minds, their feelings. I think I have been able to understand them in ways most women don't even attempt. Stockholm syndrome perhaps? Identifying with the "enemy?" Just kidding.

Regardless, don't you think I deserve a chance to see what it would be like, just once, to put a lawn mower together without having to read the directions?

Or drive somewhere without asking for them? 

 

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Another weekend. Another Scalzi's weekend assignment. Extra credit: What did your parents want you to be?

Around seven or eight years old, I comforted some little kid who fell down and went boom. As if saying "Oh, did you hurt your boo boo?" meant I had found my calling as a nurse. Could it be that my mother was a nurse and I just had no imagination? My dad was a doctor. But the skull he kept in a bag in the car freaked me out, so being a doc was out of the question.

I was on a nurse kick until I began to realize that nurses were doctors' servants, not partners. I had a real issue with the lack of respect and how quickly I could get fired for my tendency toward insubordination [an early character flaw that continues to this day].

Being a medical handmaiden was never going to be my strong suit.

Model, actor, reporter were other professions I played at during grade school, high school, and college, but never pursued except as avocations.

My mother was the one who noticed that writing and performing in high school and college shows was something I could do in advertising.  I was appalled that she even suggested it.  You can't win a Nobel Prize in advertising I said!

Clearly I was delusional. Without missing a beat, my mother managed keep a straight face and point out that I could make money in advertising. And worry about the Nobel Prize at a later date. Oh.

Ha.

She was right. About the advertising.

Which One of These People is Named Jane?

 

Okay, enough with the baby pictures.  How about something a little more Hollywood?  One of these two people is someone named Jane.  Do you know which one it is?  Here's a hint:

Don't you think my good friend Nan [in the first pic] looks as Hollywood as our action hero? Not bad for a grandma of ten. Bitch.

MORE IS MORE

 



There's no such thing as too many cute baby shots. My brother shot these. 

Patrick's Saturday Six Ophelia Was A Bust Edition

 

It's because the weather people make such a big deal out of the little storms that we ignore the big ones. Any one who wasn't on the Outer Banks thought Ophelia was a killer storm, but she was cream of wheat compared to Katrina, No matter, she seemed to get the same heavy coverage as Katrina did because she sat on her ass for almost a week, trying to make her up mind where she wanted to go. And the weathermen built up a lot of hype over when she would move and where she was going.

Those two storms had as much in common as Rue Paul and George Bush. Okay Rue Paul and Barbara Bush.

1. When is the last time you took a vacation and went basically nowhere?  Was it as relaxing as previous vacations where you have actually planned a trip?

Once my bra was too tight the day before I was leaving on vacation. I turned suddenly and tore a muscle in my back right under the elastic.  The way I knew I had done serious damage was that the pain knocked me to the floor and I almost passed out.

So I spent the next week lying on my stomach trying to keep the discomfort from driving me crazy. Even though I spent the next seven or so days in bed, it sure wasn't relaxing. And it sure wasn't planned.

I realize I didn't answer the question that was asked.  So what else is new?

2. Take this quiz:  Which historical lunatic are you?

It's fun to guess before taking the quiz, so I'll say Lizzie Borden. But there are days when my hair looks more like Rasputin's.

3. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #64 from Jaymi:   What is your favorite book from childhood and why?

Brighty of the Grand Canyon, the story of the Bright Angel Trail and how the burros came to the canyon.  Also all the Walter Farley stories about the Black Stallion. I was pretty horse crazy.

4. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #65 from Hannah: What book character do you most identify with and why?

Stephanie Plum from the Janet Evanovich novels.  We are so similar in so many ways that other people have felt the need to pick up the phone to tell me. This is not necessarily a good thing by the way.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #66 from Holly:  What do you think is an appropriate gift to a party?  What do you consider a quality Christmas gift from an acquaintance to a party or get together, a friend, and a GREAT friend?

Wine, wine, wine. The better the friend, the more expensive.  I don't drink but I like to get wine, because I can serve it to friends who do imbibe.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #67 from Judi:  If you had to make a choice for the rest of your life between food and sex, which would you choose, provided the following conditions: If you chose sex, you would never feel hungry, but just wouldn't be able to enjoy a nice meal or the tastes of good food or drink; if you chose food, you would no longer have the physical intimacy and pleasure, but you still wouldn't feel deprived of it.  In other words, whichever one you choose to give up will be a series of pleasures you'll never be able to experience firsthand again.

Anyone who thinks Mrs. Linklater would prefer food, take two steps backwards. And fall over the cliff. No more food also means no more shopping and cleaning up afterward. Or putting the clean dishes away. Or wiping the table and washing the napkins and placemats.  This just gets better and better.