OMG -- Another JOB IN JEOPARDY

Who knew that so many people could be so determined to put their [turn up the echo and reverb] J-O-B-S IN J-E-O-P-A-R-D-Y!!!
          To review, we here at the corporate offices of MLGTTU, as a public service to all two of our readers, are happy to announce that the end of the WORKING world is near for some high profile, mostly overpaid people who have screwed up on the job. Their jobs are so over that you can hear people in the unemployment line whispering, "So long sucka!" In fact, I believe if you look carefully, you can see their jobs standing on the edge of a cliff trying to keep from getting pushed into the bottomless sinkhole that used to be called their career. 
          Before we get to today's JIJ nominee, let us bid farewell to former nominees BP CEO Tony Hayward and World Cup soccer Referee Koman Coulibahy. 
          Recently Hayward has been relieved of his "day to day" responsibilities. Let's see, what does "day to day" mean exactly? From Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday to Thursday to Friday. . . Sounds like they fired his ass. They just haven't removed the body. 
          Now Coulibahy has been dropped from the World Cup, since he made the phantom foul call against the US that disallowed our perfectly executed winning goal against Slovenia. At first it looked like the FIFA peeps weren't going to do anything to punish Coulibahy, but thanks to the full force and might of our great country, the incessant hum of instant replay, and six or seven nuclear powered ICBMs we still have hunkering down in those Nebraska silos, the matter has finally been taken care of.

Our Commander in Chief with Today's Jobs In Jeopardy Nominee 

General Stanley McChrystal, whose face says it all!

          So, it is with great fanfare that we announce today's JOB IN JEOPARDY.  This one is way up on the food chain. None other than General Stanley McChrystal, the commander of the US forces in Afghanistan. Back when Truman was president and General MacArthur began to think he was running the world, the commander-in-chief made a ballsy and unpopular decision to send the heroic WWII general packing. It probably wasn't necessary, except to make one very important point -- don't piss off your boss if he's running the country. Even if you have hundreds of thousands of armed and dangerous men who would follow you anywhere. 
          So after General McChrystal and his aides dissed the president -- to the joy of the reporter taking down every word they said for a Rolling Stone article -- he got ordered to get his butt back here on the double. Now he's about to prostrate himself on the carpet -- the one in the Oval Office -- and start 'splaining himself. 
          I think the problem is best described by Democratic Senator Jim Webb of Virginia who said:
          "I think whether or not he should resign is up to the President, but I think he's had three bites out of the apple here. One was with the situation [ALLEGED COVER UP] with Pat Tillman, he was in the middle of that. I mentioned that during his confirmation hearing. The second was when he gave an interview with '60 Minutes' while this policy was being formulated. The third was when he was giving a speech in London at the same time as other people were in the White House trying to figure out where to go on the policy. So I think it's a pretty serious matter, but it's up to the President."
          So General McChyrstal is our latest nominee on the ever growling list of JOBS IN JEOPARDY.  While the powers that be here at MLGTTU don't want to influence anybody's vote, FIRE HIM, we think the Rolling Stone article FIRE HIM, may be the final nail in his coffin. F-I-R-E H-I-M already. It's time to consider flushing the general's career FIRE HIM down the toilet. But we just report the news; we don't make it.
          Meanwhile, keep those cards and letters coming!

LIFE'S A BEACH

I'm sure this picture is a fake. Nobody could ever be THAT stupid. Right?

American Bitch Slap Doll

American Girl doll with matching American girl

Finally my niece is almost old enough for an American Girl doll. These are the dolls created by a Chicago area teacher named Pleasant Rowland. What started as a mail order business now includes a nation of destination stores that not only have everything you ever wanted for your dolls, but they also include salons where you can get your doll's hair styled and cut. And restaurants where you can take your doll to lunch. And cash registers that can empty your wallet faster than two beers and a hot dog at the ballpark. 

          The first American Girl dolls were meant to capture our nation's short, but colorful historical past -- to give girls a sense of how young females contributed to our country over the last 200 years. 
          So the dolls all have names and backstories to go with their period clothing. To completely indoctrinate the girls with our country's patriotic heritage, several books have been written and illustrated for each one of these heirloom creations. Recently there have even been feature movies produced for the big screen, to bring these precious dolls to life -- Kit Kitteridge anyone? Kit's story is the heartwarming tale of a girl growing up during the depression whose father loses his job, causing the whole family to suffer financial difficulties. Her accessories include socks with holes, a dress with raggedy sleeves and a cup for begging. Hey, you have to find laughter in the sadness, people. 
          Naturally, I have my own favorites. First there's Dolly, the redheaded friend of our nation's first physician's assistant, Clara Barton. Dolly nursed the Civil War troops and married a plantation owner after he was shot in the leg and lost all his land. Then there was Arrabelle, the hard drinking, expert markswoman who ran away from home to become a star in a Wild West Show run by Buffalo Bill. And Addy, the runaway slave girl who escapes to freedom so she can find her father and brother who were sold to a different owner. Another favorite is Tina who ran the first bordello in Tombstone, Nevada or Arizona, wherever the hell it is. She had a special relationship with a certain Marshall John Timmons who missed the 3:10 to Yuma. Okay, kidding. Actually I made up all the favorite dolls except one. And you're not sure which one, are you?
          Meanwhile my darling niece is going to be six in a few days. The recommended age for the full-sized American Doll is eight. But frankly, I'm tired of waiting. She's getting a damn doll.
          Of course, I didn't realize that wanting an American Girl doll was one thing. Getting one turns out to be not so easy.  Despite the fact that my American Girl phone representative was, in fact, from America -- Caren with a "C" -- and she spoke with a well trained smile in her voice, it soon became apparent that no matter what I wanted, it was out of stock or on backorder. On top of that, for some reason, Caren just had to tell me that it's possible to expedite shipping so I can have an American Doll in my niece's hands practically overnight. This not helpful when it turns out there is almost nothing to send. Here's how our conversation went, sort of: 
          I'll have an Emily doll please, the English girl whose father is serving in the British armed forces during WWII. Her hair is styled like my niece's.  
          Sorry she's on backorder until July 31st. But you can get her hairbrush, the DVD, and that hot pink dress you like. Unfortunately, you can't have the hardcover book about her; it's only available in softcover. 
          She won't exactly need a brush for the doll's hair when she doesn't have the doll.
          That's correct. 
          How about getting a matching hot pink dress for my niece? That would be cute.
          No, sorry, we're all out of that. 
          Not even on backorder. 
          Nope, not even on backorder. 
          How about the soccer outfit. It looks just like the one she has.
          Well, that's on backorder too; we are trying to get more, but we may not be able to. 
          You mean the soccer outfit is probably gone forever. But I notice it's still on the website.
          Yes it is. 
So it turns out my birthday gift may turn into a Thanksgiving Day surprise. Meanwhile, I gave my stepma [my niece's grandmama] a heads up -- find out what's in stock if you want anything to get there before the first snow. 
          Actually, I'm thinking maybe we go to Toys 'R' Us for some Barbies.           

Yet Another Job In Jeopardy

Once again, we at the corporate offices of MLGTTU are thrilled to discover that another trained professional is about to learn that his job has been eliminated. Our excitement can only be described as Dancing On His Grave. More accurately, we predict he is about to be excused from participating in his job until further notice. If ever again.

          In fact, we had better post our most recent JOB IN JEOPARDY fast, because this guy's career may already be toast. Our latest nominee, Koman Coulibaly of Mali, is the referee who blew the call on a US goal that would have won the game for the United States. And he may be relieved of duty by the time this posts.

There are already comparisons between the soccer ref's egregious call and the one made by another Jobs In Jeopardy nominee, baseball umpire Jim Joyce.
          You can read a mashup of their two blown calls here: http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2010/06/18/koman-coulibaly-vs-jim-joyce-which-blown-call-was-worse/
          UPDATE: As you may have already heard, previous JIJ nominee BP CEO Tony Hayward has already been relieved of his day to day responsibilities. Well, to be fair, he already made it clear he wanted to get his life back. So they gave it to him.

So You Want To Get Creative

One reason I keep my AOL account is so I can read the headlines each time I logon to check my email. Today, for instance, I was offered "3 creative ways to use that jar of honey." 

Seriously. Are they really going to go there? "There" being the slippery slope of creative uses that [for some] include family pets and the internet. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm sure not going to risk a Blogger smackdown, except to say that thinking about creative ways with honey reminded me of the time I poured a can of cold beer on a burning log with unfortunate results. Only it wasn't a "log" exactly and while it was definitely "hot," he never said it was actually on fire. 
          Anywho, a couple of things caught my attention. The first was the phrase "that jar of honey," most notable because we all have that exact same jar in our cupboards. That jar with the plastic yellow bear's head on top and his feet sticking out of the bottom. The one you bought in college 25-35 years ago to put in some hot tea because you had the runs. That jar you haven't used since. But you kept it, because your mom taught you not to waste food. So that jar just moved from sorority house to apartment to starter home to big house to smaller place after the divorce. It continues to go wherever you go like those photo albums from high school. And it just sits there in the same spot, next to the spice rack someone gave you for an engagement present during the Nixon administration. You don't throw it out because honey is one of nature's miracles; it never goes bad. But you never use it because who wants to be reminded of all those times you had diarrhea? 
          One click of the honey link and I'm looking at video of a perky young woman who has a job on the internet that I could never get because I don't know html from LMAO -- assholes -- well, the bitch wants me to get creative with "that" jar. It's like she's speaking to me from the grave, except nobody's dead yet. Especially that jar of honey. It just sits there like Chucky, not moving, but alive and well and hoping you'll get the flu, e.coli, salmonella, campylobacter, something, anything to rip your gut to pieces. Don't look at me, I'm not going to be the one to break the news that Imodium is the new hot tea with honey. 
          So now I'm watching this babe named Gail tell me how "we" use that jar of honey sitting in everybody's pantry. 
          Apparently all you have to do is drizzle some over your crostini with herbed goat cheese and walnuts for a deliciously quick appetizer. What the f*ck is a crostini? Looks like toasted bread to me. And herbed goat cheese, not Philly? 
          Then she flaunted her fresh figs and Greek yogurt skills as a topping for her spiced honey and tea cakes recipe. What do you mean Greek? Yogurt with olives in it? And my experience with figs is limited to Newtons. 
          The final blow to my self esteem was showing me how to prepare the honey-drizzled roasted carrots and parsnips recipe. I have never had a parsnip on purpose in my entire life. What is it with vegetables you've always hated suddenly becoming so fashionable? Like roasted baby Brussel spouts with toasted sesame seeds. A baby cabbage by any other name is still a baby cabbage. PTUI!
          You know, this whole thing has me so stressed out, I think I need a Big Mac. 

  BITCH      

Another Job In Jeopardy

Who knew we would have another Job In Jeopardy so soon? Once again the highly trained personnel at the corporate offices of MLGTTU are more than happy to point a finger at another person in the public eye who can't wait to become an unemployed statistic. 

Funny how you can get burned when you stand too close to the fire. But toast is what Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen is soon going to be. I predict his job security is at or near DefCon One. And the silos are unlocked and loaded.
          While the rest of the world has written off BP CEO Tony Hayward as the premiere bullshit artist of the 21st century, Admiral Thad [is that pronounced TH-ad or is the H as useless as tits on a bull?] is standing by his man. Too close I'm afraid.      
          In fact, I predict he is close enough to becoming terminally singed. And the president, who is mad as hell over this BP fiasco, albeit in his calm, cool, and collected way, is not about to have him resuscitated. 
          For some reason, the Admiral has actually used the word "TRUST" to describe his relationship with Hayward. Again and again. Despite plenty of opportunities to throw that fop in the brown bangs under the bus. Apparently Thad no longer reads the papers, watches TV, or surfs the internet. 
          I smell early retirement. 
You can read about all the poop piling up here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/11/thad-allen-still-trusts-d_n_609056.html

You're Fired!!!! Okay, Maybe Not This Minute, But Your Career Is Definitely Over

Today, we at the corporate offices of MLGTTU would like to introduce a new feature to our worldwide audience -- Jobs in Jeopardy. 

 JIJ doesn't have anything to do with the number of jobs leaving the US for China and Mexico or small countries whose names have been changed so Americans can't find them.  
          Au contraire, Jobs in Jeopardy is about individuals in the news who have managed, by public incompetence, to point the fickle finger of fate at themselves in such a way that termination cannot be denied. It may be delayed. But their careers, for all intents and purposes, have been rendered unto toast. The only question lingering as we lick our collective lips is, "OH GOODY, WHEN?"
          [While Mrs. Linklater does not want to appear to condone gambling, she'd consider a side bet or two on how soon these bozos will be unemployed. Purely for entertainment purposes, of course.]
          Our first of two JIJ nominees to walk the public plank of self immolation has already become a dead bug on the windshield of worldwide disasters. As CEO of ButtPlug, Tony ["Bangs"] Hayward bagged and tagged himself on Day One of the incomprehensible Horizon well catastrophe when he opened his mouth. Here's one of his quotes:

          The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.
               Here's another, spoken as the leak continued mewling and puking its effluence into the Gulf:
               I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to have been very, very modest.
Even better, according to Huff Post, is the biggest elephant in the room where Hayward keeps his resume -- BP's shares have plunged almost 40 percent since the April 20 rig explosion, erasing nearly $70 billion in market value, and, oh by the way, killing eleven people. 
          Hasta la bye bye, you wanker.
Another Job in Jeopardy, albeit on a smaller scale, is the recent fucked up call at first base by Jim Joyce, the umpire who reduced pitcher Armando Galarraga's perfect game to an asterisk. 
          Ninth inning. Galarraga's no-no is still in place. Tigers centerfielder, Austin Jackson, makes a Willie Mays catch -- over the shoulder, running hell bent for the wall -- to get the first out. That should have been the play of the game. Out number two is routine. Short stop to first. 
          And then Jim Joyce puts his Job in Jeopardy and makes a career ending mistake. Another routine grounder, this one to second. Galarraga covers first. Foot on the bag. Gets the throw. Makes the catch. And for a nano second starts to celebrate. Only Jim Joyce calls the runner safe. Shock. Stunned looks. WTF? Then the replay firmly establishes that the runner was indeed, out. Not even a tough call. A play no MLB umpire should miss. Especially when he's on the field, ten feet from the action. 
          Mrs. Linklater watched the travesty on YouTube. Having played softball and refereed men's volleyball, she immediately noticed the telltale signs of something else. Jim Joyce didn't blow the call. Despite his fine acting, which included wiping away [supposed] tears and any number of mea culpas afterward in an attempt to salvage his career, it wasn't like the sun got in his eyes or a bee suddenly bit him on the ass. 
          This was an umpire who made a conscious decision. An umpire who saw Galarraga make his micro move to celebrate and decided that NOBODY was going to tell him how to make the call. He would have gotten away with it in the good old days. Only now with replay, what should have been a routine out has become an egregious screw up. And one more control freak ump has been outed. 
          His Job in Jeopardy, Joyce went into PR mode. With no place to hide, he said "I'm sorry" more times than Bill Clinton to Hillary. For one internet sports writer that was enough to rate this headline: We Need More Jim Joyces In The World. Why? Just because he had to own up to his mistake [thanks to the evidence], the ump went from goat to role model. Does anyone really think he would have done the same thing without video? 
           Here at corporate offices of MLGTTU, we know the handwriting is on the wall for both these nimcompoops. Any wagers on how long BP's board of directors will let the value of their company keep sliding into the Gulf? Or how much time Mr. Role Model will continue working in the majors? [We smell park district softball in Jim Joyce's future.]  
           That's it for the inaugural issue of Jobs in Jeopardy. Anybody you know whose job should be in jeopardy? Let us here at MLGTTU be the first to start the countdown. 

Alternate Uses for Tampons

Dry your eyes, Mrs. Linklater didn't get her finger 
circumcised; she needed five stitches in her 
bird-flipper finger after a freak dishwashing accident.

Seriously, who came up with the idea of using a 

bandage that looks like a super absorbent tampon?

Behold -- Mrs. Linklater demonstrates a less 
obtrusive dressing, after first amputating 
her thumb and pinky finger.