February 29th -- Not Coming Very Soon To a Theater Near You

Funny how no one [that I can recall] has ever written a memorable book or shot a distinguished movie about February 29th. I'm thinking it could be a fantasy about what happens to this once every four-year phenomenon, when its 24 hours are up and midnight strikes. Are the people born on February 29th given access to another world through a secret portal? Are the people who die on February 29th brought back to life in a parallel universe? Does time stop? Is it slow or fast? And what year is it wherever that universe is?

          I thought about February 29th a lot today, since, coincidentally, today is February 29th. I had deep, philosophical, plot-driven thoughts like, where would February 29th go when it disappears for the next three years, invisible and inaccessible to the known world for 1035 straight days, assuming I added correctly? Is it a Star Wars world with an ensemble cast experiencing a Notebook love story? With Ryan Gosling as the man who does his own stunt driving and speaks only with his eyes? Or is it an action flick with Nic Cage scaring us with yet another hair styling iteration? And driving people crazy with speech impediments and protheses he implements to flesh out his character. Think Peggy Sue got married. And Moonstruck. Also is there a part for Gerard Butler? Please.
          Meanwhile, who and what does February 29th take with it into this secondary world, most likely populated by people who were born or died on this date? Twinkies? Skittles? Ipods and pads? Is McDonald's a health food restaurant in this other place? And since we're on the subject, how the hell does anyone get there? FedEx? Clearly this requires some creative thought and better than average graphics. 
          I found an article about a mother and a daughter who were both born on February 29th. Apparently the odds of this happening are 2,000,000 to 1. Perhaps these unique people are treated as if they were gods by the inhabitants of that other place, where February 29th goes to wait for its next appearance back here. In 2016. The day that February 29th -- The Movie could conceivably have its world premiere. 
          Somewhere, I know there's a 12-year-old boy thinking the same thing I am. 
          
       

Mrs. Linklater Shares Her Secrets

The Old Farmer's Almanac just posted about eighty gazillion things you can do around your body and your house with vinegar. Just a heads up, you'll need at least a gallon. 
          Since Mrs. L is as old as an almanac, she thought it would be nice to reveal some -- okay TWO -- of her very own secret tips to help make your life as delightful as hers is rumored to be. And a little less like those people on Wife Swap.  
          These two secrets are so amazing, so money saving, so ridiculously simple that you're going to thank her with something more than just a gratuitous comment here on her blog.  
          The first secret she is going to reveal is how to keep brown sugar from turning into a huge rectangular hockey puck. Bet you didn't know that this was even possible. In fact, she's sure some of you had no idea this was even a problem. 
          But once you open the hermetically sealed plastic bag it comes in, anybody who has ever made chocolate chip cookies, blond brownies, gingerbread cake or sweet potatoes knows that NOTHING will keep brown sugar from becoming a petrified science project. 
          Why? Because it's been exposed to AIR. And once air gets into the bag, it will suck the moisture out of the brown sugar like a Hoover on steroids. And you're left with a rock in a hard place. 
          You can throw the rock out or put it in a pan over a medium flame on the stove, covered with enough water to help dissolve it. Then heat it slowly until it liquefies, add a tablespoon of maple flavoring, and pour the liquid into a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle when nobody's looking. Who's to know you didn't squeeze that maple-ly goodness right out of your backyard trees. 
          But, that's not either one of the TWO SECRETS Mrs. Linklater wants to share. That was another secret she just totally forgot about. Along with putting your kitchen sponges in the microwave for a minute each night to sanitize and deodorize them. 
          The secret to keeping the brown sugar soft and brown sugary is to empty the brown sugar out of its own plastic bag and into a new, resealable plastic bag with a PIECE OF FRESH BREAD. One piece is all you need. Squish the air out of the bag before you close it up. And voila, the next time you go to make those cookies, you've got brown sugar, not a dinosaur turd. The bread gets hard, not the brown sugar. If you don't bake very often, keep the brown sugar in the refrigerator so the bread doesn't get moldy. Or swap the old bread for a new piece every so often. Most bread has enough preservatives to last for years. 
          Mrs. Linklater's other secret tip comes in handy when you're roaming the cupboards, looking for anything to put on some buttered toast because there's no more jelly or Marshmallow Fluff. And nobody wants to use molasses. Unfortunately, all you can find is solidified honey. Because that's what happens to honey when it gets old. It crystallizes. And if you bought the giant, economy size, it is guaranteed to crystallize.
          The good news is that the honey hasn't gone bad, because it takes more than sitting around the cupboard in its jar to ruin it. Why? Because honey comes with its own antibiotics built in -- one of Mother Nature's great accomplishments. At least that's the story Mrs. L tells everybody. 
          So you've got this jar of honey you can't use. Simply put it in a pan with water [sound familiar?] about half way up the jar. Not too high or it will float. And SLOWLY heat it, stirring occasionally to encourage cooperation. Use a very low flame or you will melt the jar if it's plastic and it won't stand up straight anymore. Mrs. Linklater learned that the hard way. After a while you'll notice that the honey is starting to look like honey again. And it should be good for another six or seven years. 
          That old farmer guy's got nothing on Mrs. L.      

The Red & The Black, Part Deux

To read what you've missed, here's Mrs. Linklater's wildly improbable treatise regarding black and red uniforms and their powerful effect on game days.

Briefly, she explains how uniform mojo wins games. How red and black uniforms win most games, especially big ones. How white uniforms are the kiss of death. Except if the other team is in green. Naturally, there are exceptions to all of these rules, just to annoy people. 

BUT THERE'S MORE! Today, right here on her blog, you can read how Mrs. Linklater covered her ass on Facebook -- after predicting the Giants [wearing white] would win the Super Bowl -- with some well-aimed status updates, posted prior to yesterday's game: 

LAST THINGS FIRST. AFTER MAKING ALL HER PREDICTIONS, MRS. L POSTED ON HER FACEBOOK PAGE ONE MORE TIME, DRAWING ON HER RENOWNED PENCHANT FOR LEVITY -- JUST TO PROVE THAT SHE IS TRES AMUSING, AS WELL AS AN ABLE PROGNOSTIGLANDINATOR:

GO AHEAD. LAUGH AMONG YOURSELVES. CONTINUING TO WORK BACKWARDS, MRS. L PICKED THE GIANTS TO WIN. AND IN THE COMMENTS, SHE EXPLAINED WHY. 

PRIOR TO PICKING THE GIANTS, MRS. L REALIZED EARLY ON THAT A TEAM IN WHITE COULD TAKE IT ALL. THIS MANTRA IS ONE YOU WILL NOTICE THAT SHE MENTIONED OVER AND OVER BECAUSE SHE'S OLD AND REPEATS HERSELF:

Hmmm. The Giants have won all their playoff games in white jerseys. Plus they beat the Pats during the season in white jerseys. And they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl last time in white jerseys. Clearly they didn't get Mrs. Linklater's memo about white jerseys having no mojo. So. On a limb here. If the Giants wear white jerseys today, their anti-mojo white jerseys don't need style points to win the game.* Just an FYI -- the Pats [AFC] are the designated home team so the Giants should be in white.

* Even tho last year, after winning three road games in white Jerseys, the Steelers 

opted for white in the Super Bowl and LOST.

THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET, MRS. L BEGAN THE DAY WITH A PROMISE TO PICK THE WINNER OF THE SUPER BOWL WHEN THE TEAMS RAN ON THE FIELD. FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS WERE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS:

JUST TO HAVE ALL HER BASES COVERED, MRS. L ALSO INVOKED THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED RULE -- NEVER BE ON THE COVER BEFORE A BIG GAME -- UNDER PENALTY OF THE WORLDWIDE KISS OF DEATH.

IN THE END, MANNINGHAM'S VERY COOL RED SHOES PROBABLY CARRIED THE DAY AND HIS CATCH WASN'T TOO SHABBY EITHER.