THE SEX PATCH BRIAR PATCH

WARNING: Children and more sensitive readers should find something else to do.

 

Isn’t it interesting that men have the full weight of pharmaceutical giants like Merck, et al, to ponder the perplexities of their penis problems?

 

But women have to rely on a soap company to come up with something that addresses their ovarian obfuscations?

 

Was Mrs. Linklater the only person laughing at the cosmic joke of Procter and Gamble developing a female sex patch?

 

How did the P & G thinking go? Actually, what WERE they thinking? Well, we make products that women buy, like shampoo, laundry detergent, and toothpaste, so it makes perfect sense for us to create a product that makes women hornier, too. Especially while they’re watching our sexy Tide car during NASCAR races.

 

Did you notice how careful the R & D guys at P & G were? Only testing the patch in a PC manner on women who had been surgically castrated?  That way they could, if they wanted, argue that this was an important public service they were performing. 

 

I bet only married women were considered, too. Gotta keep hubby happy. No sense in revving up unmarried women.  

 

I’m sorry, does the word “castrated” bother you? That’s what happens when a woman has her ovaries surgically removed. Ovaries are the female equivalent of testicles. Along with her eggs, that’s where most of a woman’s sex hormones, estrogen AND yes, even testosterone are made.  And they continue doing their job even when a woman reaches menopause. Not quite as much as the old days mind you, but they keep on keeping on.

 

Did you know that when a woman has a hysterectomy the docs almost always take her ovaries? Especially when she’s over 45. Healthy or not.  Hey, might as well take these bad girls out while we’re in here.

 

They claim they do it for preventative reasons. The ovaries are rarely removed because of disease and it’s certainly not because they don’t perform any useful function. 

 

But the docs carve them out during a hysterectomy, JUST IN CASE those egg crates might, for some reason, go bad some day. . .down the road. . .a long time from now.

 

Kind of like removing a guy’s testicles along with that unsightly mole on his penis.  JUST IN CASE he gets what? Horny?

 

Did Imention that most of the surgeons were MEN? And you can't help but wonder if the health insurance MEN aren't offering bonuses for shagging the ovaries during a hysterectomy.  To save their greedy companies some money down the road.  That whole JUST IN CASE scenario.

 

Which brings us all the way back to the need for the sex patch. We’ve come full circle here. If the women in the study still had their ovaries they wouldn’t need the sex patch. But their ovaries have been removed, probably for no reason at all. So they have to buy their hormones now.

 

The women in the studies were already on replacement estrogen [after your uterus is gone you can go on the full strength stuff]. But surprise surprise, their sex drives were still in PARK. They weren’t thinking about sex or having fantasies about sex or feeling sexy or anything.  Because testosterone is the hormone they need to power their mojo.   

 

With all due respect to the people who want to add testosterone to the cocktail of hormones cocking up women’s lives, Mrs. Linklater discovered a long time ago that just watching her now ex-husband do the dishes or change a poopie diaper was a surefire turn on for her. 

 

HIS testosterone finally put to good use fueled HER sex drive. Their marriage might have been saved if he had been a good cook and did the laundry, too. Maybe P & G ought to market the patch with dishwashing detergent, disposable diapers and Hamburger Helper.

 

In the end it may turn out that a man adding Tide to a washing machine is the new female Viagra.  

 

Meanwhile, several hundred lucky ladies got to test-drive The Patch, which is simply a testosterone delivery system. Sounds like their husbands enjoyed the ride with The Patch, too. 

 

Then, the FDA [which stands for Fuddy Duddy Arsewipes] recently stepped in and said not so fast girls, we have to think about this for awhile. 

 

We want to monitor your fun before it gets out of hand.