Cruise Out of Control

After his recent leaps onto the furniture of not one, but two different talk shows, Tom Cruise has been diagnosed as suffering from a manic phase of bipolar disorder. His rambling, incoherent babbling about the dazed and confused actress Katie Holmes has left his many fans shaking their heads.

However, since his association with the Church of Scientology does not permit him to acknowledge the existence of psychiatric problems -- "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do!" -- he will continue to run around like a chicken with its head cut off until someone finally grabs him by the shoulders and says, "Yo, Tom, you're nuts." 

Sources have reported that Cruise recently climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower intending to impress Ms. Holmes by jumping off, but two gendarmes were able to wrestle him to the ground before the crazed action hero was able to execute his plan.

Quick thinking by his publicist turned a public relations nightmare into a charming and romantic proposal of marriage to Ms Holmes, which most assume is just another publicity stunt to promote his new movie, War of the Worlds, premiering tonight in LA. 

The indefatigable Cruise, whose extensive background in medicine allows him to prescribe vitamins and exercise to eradicate depression, anxiety, paranoia, schizophrenia, phobias, psychoses, neuroses, alcoholism, same sex attraction, and bad breath will soon launch his first line of chocolates. According to the marketing director for the tasty morsels, "Endorphins are nature's way of making you think you feel better than you do and there's nothing like chocolate to stimulate their production." 

This recent episode of mania should last only another two weeks or so, and then we can all get some rest.  Sheesh.