ASK MRS. LINKLATER "SHOW ME SOME LOVE" EDITION

Mrs. Linklater has made many personal sacrifices to come here and lend a helping hand to the advice columnists. Without her, people who need advice would read the smarmy, feel-good pap these mistresses of misguided malarkey hand out like Halloween candy and go away thinking everything was going to be just fine, thank you.

That's why, as a public service, Mrs. Linklater always butts in. Not so fast, taffy apple breath. Clear the decks, Jethro, she's lighting the fuse on the loose cannon and we don't know which way it's pointed.  


Cheryl Lavin
Published October 24, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I've been with my boyfriend, Phil, for one year and four months. We couldn't be happier. I love him, and I know he loves me. But . . . we don't say the L-word. You may ask, How do I know that he loves me? My answer: Actions speak louder than words. I'm the epitome of a Chicago girl: tough and stubborn, yet sophisticated, sleek and chic. With that said, I don't want to be the first to say, "I love you." I would imagine Phil is thinking the same thing. My question to you is: What is the Man Code for saying I love you?

-- Chi-Town Cutie

Dear Chi-Town Cutie: Before we get to the Man Code, I'd just like to offer a little unsolicited advice: You're depriving yourself of one of the great pleasures of being in love: telling your partner you love him. It feels good! Drop that tough act, cuddle up with him, wrap your arms around him and tell him you love him!

Now, in the Man Code, "OK, I'll go to your little sister's recital" means "I love you."

Mrs. Linklater stops in the middle of eating her Chicago Hot Dog to wipe the mustard off her face and prevent this miscarriage of advice. Cheryl, you incredible slut -- oh come on, it's just a figure of speech. Where were you the day Mrs. L cracked the Man Code? Probably in the bathroom smoking.

Everyone knows that "OK, I'll go to your little sister's recital" means "If I do this for you, you're wearing the five-inch black leather, thigh high boots to bed."

The same goes for "Sure, I'll fire up the grill during halftime." Which is Man Code for, "If I can use your head for a coaster."

Mrs. Linklater, in her travels, has found that Man Code for "I love you" is, as shocking as it may seem, "I love you." The only time it's open to interpretation is when he says it to you while you are naked, especially on his sofa, in his bedroom, on his bed, etc. In fact, Mrs. Linklater might be going out on a limb here, but work with me -- if you're bare-assed naked with him pretty much anywhere, "I love you" means "I love doing you," which is probably not what you had in mind. 

Of course, if you're a woman, when you say "I love you" it could mean "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." Which is woman code for more bling, please.  Women are so full of shinola.

Unlike men, who are just full of themselves.
 
Shoot the cannon. My work here is done.