Harriet Miers Scores Another First

Harriet Miers' biography describes her as a trailblazer for women, citing the following examples:

In 1972, Ms. Miers became the first woman hired at Dallas's Locke Purnell Rain Harrell. In March 1996, her colleagues elected her the first female President of Locke, Purnell, Rain & Harrell, at that time a firm of about 200 lawyers.  She was the first woman to lead a Texas firm of that size.
       
In 1985, Ms. Miers was selected as the first woman to become President of the Dallas Bar Association.
       
In 1992, she became the first woman elected President of the State Bar of Texas.  Ms. Miers served as the President of the State Bar of Texas from 1992 to 1993.

Now on the eve of the senate judicial hearings on her nomination by the president for the Supreme Court, Ms. Miers will no doubt add another first to her resume:

The first woman ever to have her virginity authenticated by a senate committee.  

Unfortunately, there is no longer a way to accurately validate virginity in the United States.

Dr. Stanslas Obelsky, head of the OB-GYN department at Prentice Women's Hospital in Chicago, was originally charged with leading the team in this difficult task.

Their job became virtually impossible when it was determined that there are no virgins left in the US for comparison. "There haven't been any sightings in over twenty years that I know of," Dr. Obelsky sighed in exasperation.

"Except for a few guys."

So in a decision that may have as yet unknown repercussions, Ms. Miers will fly to London to visit the Royal Gynecologist, Malcolm Leedsworth, whose entire career has been spent authenticating the virginity of the hundreds of young women who had notions of marrying a king.    

"You Yanks wouldn't know a virgin if she bit you on the butt," he chortled like a typical Brit, laughing at his own ribald humor and wondering why his comedy was met with blank stares.

Ms. Miers could not be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, Ted Kennedy has been put in charge of refreshments for the first day of hearings. "I'm thinking chips, dips, cookies, a couple of cakes and a case of Diet Coke. What do the rest of you want?"