Dear Abby Is So Tacky

Mrs. Linklater hasn't ridiculed any advice ladies over at her warm and cozy second home on Blogspot since September or so.  Is she sick? Dead? Out of town? No, I'm still here.

So, in an attempt to shake her out of her doldrums, a concerned relative sent this Dear Abby advice travesty to Mrs. L., hoping to get her back into the fray. Or at least the mud wrestling.

I'll let you read this abomination first for yourselves before the outspoken Mrs. Linklater gets to take a crack at her tomorrow. Feel free to leave your opinions of Abby's shocking suggestion for retaliation.

September 13, 2006

Dear Abby: There's a man in our community I'll call "Uncle Harry." Uncle Harry is in his mid-70s and considers himself one of the finest Christians in the area. Many of us, however, know this to be an exaggeration.

The main problem with Uncle Harry is his insistence on hugging almost all the women he comes in contact with. These "hugs" are not chaste, loose hugs about the shoulders. Uncle Harry insists on bear hugs, where he puts both arms around the woman and presses her breasts against his chest. Occasionally, his hands will also drift to the area of the buttocks.

Several women have complained, and family members have cautioned Uncle Harry about his behavior. He will stop temporarily, and then start up again in a few days. He has convinced himself that all these women want to hug him, but I have seen the expressions on the faces of some of his hug victims, and most are not at all happy. The women are hesitant to complain because Uncle Harry's wife IS one of the finest Christians in the area.

What can be done about Uncle Harry? I see him as a sexual predator, but he insists his hugs are just an example of his fine Christian fellowship. — No Hugs, Please, in Alabama

Dear No Hugs, Please: Because the complaints have been ignored, a dose of aversion therapy might dampen the ardor of lecherous Uncle Harry. I recommend that the ladies who are offended by his behavior form a "united front." By this I mean, agree to put thumb tacks in your brassieres (facing outward, of course) when you know you'll be seeing him. I predict that if you do, he will hug you less enthusiastically from then on. 

Seriously, any woman who objects to Uncle Harry's "hugs" needs to open her mouth and tell him so in no uncertain terms. Enough is enough.

Mrs. Linklater loads her cannon:

Dear Abby, you total nimrod -- titular tacks? Oh, you were just kidding? Tsk tsk, Ab, you shouldn't make jokes about that kind of retaliation, because there are women out there who will take your suggestion and try it at home. By the way, tacks aren't nearly as effective as nine inch nails.

The real problem is that women have been letting men do things to them that they don't like for centuries.  Especially when these men are in positions of power. Monica Lewinsky and a certain president's cigar, anyone?

Needless to say, the most offensive of all are the slimy bastards who PRAISE THE LORD on Sunday and grab your ass on Monday.

Uncle Harry may call it a hug, but anyone who touches your body without your permission is out of line. [Now you know how little kids feel at family reunions.]

Abby's says to "tell him. . .in no uncertain terms." 

Tell him what, Abby?  "No, thanks, I don't want a hug"?   Harry's the kind of guy who'll just grab you anyway. Clearly he's not responding to the subtle hints of pure disgust and utter revulsion these women are sending out.

So when, not if, he insists on hugging next time, leave your arms by your side or cross your chest, right palm over your left breast, left palm over the right. He'll look stupid hugging someone who doesn't hug back. Or, worse, someone who looks like she's trying to protect herself.

If he doesn't get the hint, you can whisper into his ear. Make it something religious that he'll understand like, "Listen to me, you sorry excuse for a Christian, don't ever hug me again."

Finally, if he still hasn't let you go, feel free to bite his earlobe. Hard.

OR, if you're too short to reach his ear, you can skip all the niceties and just give him a firm pinch on the high, inside part of his thigh. And suddenly you'll be free. Works every time.

Mrs. Linklater doesn't usually advocate physical violence, but some guys need more encouragement than others.

Her personal choice for keeping unwanted men away, one she recommends if you have the courage to raise your voice loud enough for everyone to hear is, "GET THE F**K AWAY FROM ME!!"  That one can empty a stadium if not modulated properly.

On the other hand, if your voice lacks volume, you can squint your eyes at the offender, lower your voice and hiss, "TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE!" 

Mrs. Linklater just loves it when she can make the world a better place.