An Open Letter To A Bunch Of Complete Idiots

Dear Delusional and Demented Dumbass Democratic and Republican Presidential Wannabes --

Let me save you narcissistic nimrods some time and money. I am talking about you -- Messrs Biden, Giuliani, Kucinich, Huckabee, Richardson, Brownback, Edwards, Duncan Hunter and the rest -- you aren't presidential material. You never were, you never will be. So disband your committees, fire your campaign staff, and return the buck two eighty in donations rolling around the bottom of your empty war chests.

Do I have to spell it out? All right, let's start with Senator Biden. Okay, Joe, I can still see the perfect half circle where you had plugs of hair re-introduced to your balding pate. The years have not made it any easier to look at. Don't tell me it's real hair -- your real hair was gone. This is replacement hair. It doesn't count. I can't hear any of the words you've plagiarized because all I can see is that half-moon of pathetically placed follicles.

And what's with a guy named Huckabee thinking he's got a snowball's chance? Not saddled with a name that sounds like a character on the Simpsons. That alone is grounds for disqualification. Just think of the F-bombs his moniker could set off. There once was a loser named Huckabee. . .not to mention that he's a Baptist minister who doesn't believe in abortion or gay marriage. Like that constituency is going to get near the White House this time around.

I'm just getting this rant started and suddenly it's bedtime. Night night. More in the morning.

*YAWN*

How'd you like to wake up to Dennis Kucinich? Me neither. He's also height challenged. Not looking the part can queer the deal pretty fast. Sorry, Dennis, being a good, decent human being isn't enough to be president.

George Washington was our first president for a reason. He was heroic in word, deed, and those most elusive of leadership qualities, charisma and presence. By contrast, one-term prez Jimmy Carter thought leadership meant lecturing on right and wrong. His way or the highway. Plus he had the look of someone who had spent too much time under water.

Tiny Ross Perot had a chance to be our first really short and monumentally unattractive president, a testament more to the power of $60,000,000 he spent to make him seem almost lifelike on TV. Until his real personna caused him to behave like the nutsoid he really is -- on the eve of the election. Which reminds me.  What the f**k was Ralph Nader thinking?

Hillary will never be presidential. If she didn't have handlers she'd wear old sweats and pink slippers on the Senate floor. She should be locked in a think tank somewhere. And it isn't a gender thing because I think Condi Rice is presidential in a sterile, personality free way. Elizabeth Dole is probably the most presidential of all the women and men who could be seeking the office. And she's not seeking office.

But enough about the girls, I was sniping at the array of fellas who woke up one morning and thought last night's acid reflux was a message from God that they should run for president.

John Edwards? Almost became vice president based on looks alone. An empty suit.

Bill Richardson, the Hispanic candidate with the Anglo name?  A career bureaucrat. He knows how to make nice. That's not enough.

Forget Hunter and Brownback. These uber conservative right to lifers are talking to themselves. Overturning Roe v. Wade is the only tune they sing. Time to be more inclusive guys.

Who's left? Giuliani? Obama? McCain?

I wouldn't trust Giuliani for a New York minute. Has he ever been west of the Hudson? Married three times. Bad temper. Impatient. Needs large scale disasters to function well. Drama queens need not apply.

Obama is a great orator. And four years too early at least. His charisma is a liability at this point. McCain is the only one who seems to have the courage of his convictions. He takes some unpopular, often contrary stances on the issues. Many times alone. Okay, he's also short, but he wears a hero's mantle and enjoys the respect of both sides of the aisle. And he has a sense of humor. So does Joe Biden, but he's no John McCain.

Maybe between now and the nominating conventions, someone will get it together long enough to seem plausible as the leader of the Free World or whatever we're calling ourselves lately.

So I won't have to waste my vote casting it AGAINST someone, instead of FOR.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Linklater

Tags: presidential nominees