Worthy Causes

Everybody has a favorite cause they like to support.  Usually it's to help prevent something from killing people. That's why terminal diseases are so popular. But PETA and the Sierra Club are still going strong, too.

Needless to say, some causes are more popular than others. I discovered that when I was a trained crisis line worker for a battered women's group. Nobody likes to admit they've been a victim of any kind of abuse. Even though it's right up there with alcohol in wrecking families. I ran into someone I knew at a fundraiser and the first thing she said was, I'm not abused, you know, I'm just here because I was invited.

We tried to get Tina Turner to sing for the cause. She made movie about her abuse for crying out loud. She said sure. For money. But we were hoping you'd help us raise money, not spend it. Bitch. We had to go out of the country and settle for Canada's Top Country Singer who wouldn't even discuss what she went through.

Breast cancer is very popular these days, probably because so many celebrities get it. There was a time when women didn't say anything about having a breast removed. Now it's like a rite of passage. And a career builder. Not that I'm cynical, but becoming a breast cancer spokesperson is one way for B list celebrities to get some much needed face time with the media. Jaclyn Smith had surgery and the next thing you know she's at the National Susan G. Komen race in Washington, D.C.. Now she's got a new TV show. Coincidence? I think not.

On the other hand you don't see male celebrities signing up to march for prostate cancer. Or volunteering to raise money for vasectomies. Or anything below the belt for that matter. In fact, except for Lance Armstrong, guys don't go public with that stuff.  Even he doesn't shill for testicular cancer. He's more "big picture."

Now that my days working with battered women are over. And pretty much every cause has a celebrity to speak for it, I can turn my attention to other problems I'd like to see eradicated.

Dr. Phil's moustache, for instance. Creepy. And Donald Trump's hair. Unfathomable. For awhile, Rudy Giuliani's combover was on my radar, but there's nothing like regular sex with a new wife to fix a problem that that.

Not that I'm alone in wanting Dr. Phil's moustache gone. He actually devoted part of a show to all the requests he gets to shave it off. The answer is NO. I used to think it was because he must look even weirder without it. But, from time to time he has shown pictures of himself as a young man with no moustache. He looks only about a hundred times better.

He needs the Fab Five [are they still on?] to take him in hand. I'm thinking they could hold him down and wax it off.

I sent an email to the show's web site and suggested that he looked like a pedophile. I'm sure that was well received.

Why Donald Trump doesn't do something with his hair is beyond me. But the guy is such a megalomaniacal control freak that the more the comedians, i.e., Rosie O, make fun of it, the more he's going to keep it.

He was on Letterman last night and I didn't hear a word he said because I was transfixed by his hair thing's color and shape, as well as the strange wet look he was sporting on the sides. 

Unless someone comes up with a way for him to save face -- oh, screw that -- a wad of chewing gum would do the trick. Maybe someone on his staff could cough some Double Bubble into it.

Wait a minute. I may have a solultion.

We can get Dr. Phil to shave off his 'stache for a worthy cause. The highest bidder gets to name the cause. Even better, set a goal of raising $100,000 for a charity. Send your $5 donation to a website address. As soon as the goal is reached he shaves his moustache off.

I hate it when I think of something that makes sense.

On the other hand, I still like the gum in the hair idea for The Donald.