What's Your Road Age?

The ninety-four year old woman who drove her car into a bunch of people in a restaurant a few days ago? Her license has been revoked. Turns out she drove into another building in June and, back then, the Secretary of State said she was going to have to re-take her road test. Now she has to re-take her re-take. Followed by a wellness check after that.

Sure, she's facing a whole bunch of charges, but technically, she is still innocent until proven guilty. Naturally, there are lots of people who are glad somebody stepped in and took her driving privileges away. But how can they do that before she's seen a judge? Not that I think she should be on the road, but isn't there such a thing as DUE PROCESS? I guess she made the mistake of getting old, so now she has no rights.

When was the last time some high school drunk who wrapped his car around a local light pole got his license revoked BEFORE going to court? If he can post bond, he can drive until his court date.   Correct me if I'm wrong.

Seriously, while we're saving the world from old people, shouldn't somebody have the power to preemptively strike that stupid kid's need for speed? His parents for instance? Haaa. Anybody else? Like the DMV? Or is that a special service they only offer to codgers?

The old lady's mushy brain is a danger to herself and others, so she shouldn't be on the road. I'm down with that. [Sorry, my inner rapper got loose]. Meanwhile here's a kid who CHOSE to mush up his brain and become a danger to himself and others, but apparently that's okay, so we're going to let him ease on down the road.

That's fair?

Of course, you can just imagine the uproar if little Jimmy Jerkoff had his license revoked. He wouldn't be able to drive to his job at Mickey D's while he was waiting for his court date. Awww.

But since Granny doesn't matter anymore, she's toast.

One of the Chicago papers went to a courthouse and followed all the people who lost their driver's licenses after their day in court. They all left the courtroom, exited the courthouse, got into their cars and drove away. Proof that justice is blind.

I find it interesting that the state can be so lax about the dozens and dozens of people who never seem to lose anything for driving on a suspended license -- an illegal decision they made a choice to do. But theysure can bring the full weight of the judicial system crashing down on an old lady whose only crime was that she finally exceeded her expiration date.

There should be a Road Age test. It would be a comprehensive evaluation of knowledge. reflexes and judgment. The ideal road age would be between 30 and 60. Under thirty and you're too immature to drive. Over sixty and you're too brain dead.

Naturally, your road age has nothing to do with your actual age.  The 28-year-old person who started tailgating some guy who cut him off going 80 mph when Mrs. Linklater was nine months pregnant would probably barely notch an 18. 

These people would be weeded out during the road age road test. Instead of being asked to perform the usual maneuvers like a full and complete stop or parallel parking, some guy in an Indy pace car would pull up along side and give the testee a "Wanna go for it?" look.

Or a testee might suddenly find himself behind a person driving five miles under the speed limit. He would be docked for each expletive deleted.

Women would be expected to drive through an obstacle course with children screaming and fighting in the back. 

The elderly would have to pull into a parking space without taking out pedestrians a minimum of three out of five times.

The written test would include essay questions:
If you had a choice of braking to avoid an accident or ruining your new blouse with spilled coffee, why would you save the blouse?

If the guy behind you starts honking and pulls out to pass would you 1) give him the finger  2) slow down suddenly so he hits your bumper and spins out of control  3) follow him wherever he goes and settle things when you get there?

If your boyfriend wants you to do that thang he likes when his hands are at ten and two, would you 1) make glazed donut jokes  2) pretend you lost your hearing  3) shoot him?

By the way for the young people out there, your road age is not valid for the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes. 

Based on her recent behavior toward a truck driver who cut her off in rush hour traffic, Mrs. Linklater has voluntarily decided not to drive today until her road age reverts back to acceptable levels.

Plus she was seen putting on makeup at a stoplight.

And now she's rambling.