Dumb and Dumber

Well, it looks like only five people may be dead because of the bridge collapse in Minneapolis. Darn. I'm expecting the news vultures to apologize for not bringing us more carnage. This morning one anchor actually seemed disappointed by the low number of deaths. After the collapse, when they didn't have the hundreds of bodies they were hoping for, I noticed the newsies tried another tactic. There's still danger!!! Maybe the divers who are checking out submerged cars might be impaled on the sharp metal girders that are now underwater. So stick around, death and dismemberment are just a commercial away.

If bridge collapses aren't feeding your jones for mayhem, we're having a lot of sexual assaults on young women lately in Chicago. A pattern has emerged which may help other women avoid a similar fate.

Every single one of these females was walking around alone after midnight. Only a couple weren't drunk. That smell of paint? It's a target on your ass honey. Nobody deserves to be attacked, but didn't your mother tell you that being out alone late at night might be DANGEROUS to your health?

One woman who was attacked works late as a bartender. She escaped because she had pepper spray on her key chain and gave the guy a good jolt. She might want to invest in some career counseling.

Another was out with friends partying, but she was alone at 4:30 AM when she was dragged into a gangway right next to where she lives. Being drunk didn't help. She could use a few more IQ points.

A couple escaped by screaming. Too bad they can't be grounded for being a danger to themselves.

One woman had her three year old child with her. She was actually standing on a street waiting to catch a bus around midnight, no doubt to be first in line at a sale somewhere. But she said the bus didn't come. Hello -- lots of buses stop running late at night. Did you check? And the reason you and your child weren't home in bed is?

When the bus didn't come she and the boy started walking. That's when she was accosted by two men, one of whom held onto her child while the other one raped her.

Isn't there a test you can take to see if you're smart enough have children?

This morning took the cake. In the middle of the night some people driving on a major street saw a toddler in a diaper and a t-shirt walking around alone. Apparently the kid's mom had driven into the city to fight with her boyfriend -- that's what the cops told the reporter -- and she left the little boy in the car asleep. He wakes up, doesn't see his mom, and being a clever child, opens the door and decides to go find her.

I think she was arrested for having shit for brains.