MEMO TO ALEXIS STEWART

Awhile ago I read that your mom wants a grandchild. Lots of moms want grandchildren. But now I hear that she is willing to fork out $28,000 a month to spend on any method of invading your reproductive system to help you get pregnant. Sorry, that was crass. Let me put it another way: what kind of a control freak parent thinks they have a right to insert themselves [pun intended] into their daughter's uterus? Wait, that was distasteful. But I meant it a a helpful, caring way.

I assume that it has never occurred to you to say, "No." Or, heaven forbid, dare to declare, "I only want to have children the old fashioned way, shit-faced in the back seat of a Buick on a Saturday night."

Clearly it has also never dawned on you that Mom might need to have some boundaries set for her demands on you. You're not one of her fancy chickens, or a table that needs napkins.

On the other hand, how lucky your mother is to have such a compliant child, one so willing to endure endless discomfort just to satisfy her whim -- the hormones, the egg harvesting, the implantations, the waiting and waiting and constant failure.

Interestingly, you're also about to go on TV to talk about "it". Not to tell us you're pregnant, I'm sure. But to discuss all the money, time and effort being spent trying to fulfill her request. I wonder if you'll seem joyful and happy or clinical and detached.

The whole thing makes me go EEEEEWWW!!

Does it occur to you that maybe the reason you're not getting pregnant has nothing to do with connecting the right sperm with the right egg, but the need to disconnect your mother's control over you?

Sorry, I didn't mean to lapse into psychobabble.

But, guess what, you aren't getting pregnant. And you're really trying hard. We all know there are lots of mechanical reasons that prevent women from conceiving. Plumbing that doesn't work. Bad sperm. Old eggs.

But I remember reading once about a woman whose fallopian tubes would squeeze shut when she ovulated, effectively preventing any eggs from meeting any sperm and becoming fertilized. Talk about the mind controlling the body.

So while your mouth may be saying, "Sure Mom, whatever you want," your lizard brain may be saying "Not in this lifetime, bitch."

Just a thought.