Mrs. Linklater's Cockamammy Theories, Volume Eleventy-Two

We've had a lot of dead people around here the last couple of weeks. Five at a Lane Bryant store in a southern suburb. And five in DeKalb at NIU -- six, if you count the shooter. But he might have been dead way before he took his own life.

The cops have created a composite of the Lane Bryant killer, based on the only person who survived. He has an unusual corn row hair style with beads. He's also fat -- unless 5'9" and 260 pounds is the new skinny. But there was one unusual detail that made me wonder if this chubby shooter wasn't a guy, but a woman who looks like a man.

Before I forget, this nutcase also attempted to fondle one of the victims before the shooting began, but a woman could have done the same thing. It all depends on what you mean by "fondle" to paraphrase Bill Clinton.

Apparently, and here's what I'm getting at, he/she was wearing jeans with some kind of embroidery on the back pockets. Not very GQ if you ask me.

Of course, the beads and the embroidery could also be the fashion statement of a cross dressing guy, since Lane Bryant's generously-sized clothing apparently attracts members of the transvestite/transsexual set.

But I'm mostly intrigued with the idea that the suspect they're describing as a he could turn out to be a she who has faded back into the population.

That's Mrs. Linklater's cockamammy theory numero uno.

Cockamammy theory numero dos:

We know the NIU killer was given a psychological discharge from the military, plus his behavior over the past couple of weeks had become erratic because he'd gone off his medication. The type of drug he was taking hasn't been identified, but the cops are acting like he was on something for his mental health. So we know his fuse had been lit.

He seems to have a caring family. We know he was an excellent student. Then we heard that he spent a year at a mental health facility after high school. That's the smoking gun for moi. What Mrs. L in her cockamamminess wants to know is when [not IF] did our future psychopath start smoking dope?

Ever since we've learned that teenage drinking and smoking dope can set off some serious noises in your head, Mrs. L has been on a tear. See I told you reefer madness was REAL.

I wonder how many timebombs we have walking around among us, suffering from schizophrenia because of early exposure to alcohol or recreational drug use. Especially in people who may be genetically susceptible.

Of course, there's always Mrs. Linklater's usual fallback -- he was molested as a child.

Or both.

And that, dear readers, is all for today. Coming up with these theories has made me all tuckered out.