Mrs. Crabbette

Since it is apparent that I'm pretty crabby these days, especially if one were to read my most recent entries, why not mine this vein of vitriol for more?

Last time I went to the doctor for my check up, which they make me do every year as a condition of getting my prescriptions re-issued, I could have phoned it in.

By the way, did I mention that I could die without my prescriptions, so when they blackmail me to come in for a check up, I'm not necessarily in a good mood. Combined with my increasingly crabbette persona, a conflagration is possible.

Here's how my yearly exam went last time: I came in, sat down, and waited in the examining room. I didn't even have to change into a gown. I've noticed that since becoming older, doctors don't seem to require me to undress as much.

The doc came in and took my blood pressure. It was slightly elevated. I mentioned that I'd taken my medicine an hour before. To prove that these drugs aren't very effective any more I took another dose. They hate when you do something they haven't mandated. He actually looked a bit frightened. I told him, don't worry, nothing's going to happen. 

Meanwhile, while we were waiting for me to pass out or something, I showed him a spot on my leg where a derm had removed a sunspot. I also showed him how arthritis is messing up the little finger on my left hand.

In my head I'm thinking, is this kindergarten and I'm at SHOW and TELL? Why isn't HE asking me questions about my health?

All this time he was sitting at the computer, typing. Until, suddenly, he got called out of the room by the nurse. So, with nothing to do, I weighed myself.

About fifteen minutes later the doc came back and we took my blood pressure again. It was exactly the same as it was before. With twice as much medication. He said nothing and typed something else into the computer. I told him I weighed myself while he was gone.

He asked whether I wanted to get a blood workup and pee into a cup. Since I had to be downtown and I'd already had breakfast, I said I would prefer to do it another day.

That was the end of my "yearly physical." They charged me $186. before insurance. I actually think they charged me for the time that the doc was called away.

The other day I realized I still hadn't had my blood and urine tested. It's been a few months, so I called the doc's nurse, since you never talk to the doctor anymore. 

Hi, can you schedule my blood and pee pee test, since I didn't get it done when I was in last time?

You need to come in for your physical before we do that.

But, I was in for my yearly "physical" a few months ago. [You know, the one where I chat and the doc types?  The physical where he doesn't look into my eyes or my ears or my throat. Where he doesn't check my heart. He doesn't check my reflexes. He doesn't do shit. ]

You need to come in.

It hasn't been a year. I just need the doc to order the tests. And by the way you can skip the thyroid test. But I need to check my uric acid levels because of the medicine I'm on and I --

You have to come in and discuss this with the doctor.

Why can't the doctor call me so we can discuss this on the phone?

Because that's not how we do things here.

Please tell the doctor that I only want him to give the order for the tests. I don't need to come in; it hasn't been a year. And last time it was a waste of time.

[SPEAKING SLOWLY LIKE A PRINCIPAL WHO IS NOT USED TO HAVING HER ORDERS COUNTERMANDED] I'll tell the doctor what you said and we'll see what he decides to do.

It's been two weeks. I haven't heard from the doc. But over the weekend I got a form letter with a 4/color insert that has a bunch of tests that the doc can give me as part of the hospital's comprehensive something or other.

But only if I make an appointment to see him and DISCUSS our options.

Time to get a new doc.