"A Complete Line of Leaky Bladder Products"

I somehow missed the first part of this commercial, but I managed to catch the last line -- "A complete line of leaky bladder products." 

Naturally, with my interest piqued, I wondered how many different pads for persnickety pee a person with a leaky bladder could now choose from.

Pick the one that's right for YOU!!!
The Laugh Pad: you'll be smiling when you wear this thick, absorbent maxi for those moments of hysterical laughter. Thanks to its extra wicking, you can laugh your ass off up to ten times in three hours without a moment's thought about leaving a single telltale wet spot on your new velour sweats.

The Lily Pad: tired of jumping up to pee in the middle of dessert? Now there's no need to worry about those embarrassing sudden urges. Stay sitting pretty as a frog on a log while your pee is wicked away into the convenient reservoir until you're ready to go to the powder room.

The Launch Pad: those last few steps into the house can seem like a mile when you're a victim of a leaky bladder. But now you can take your sweet damn time looking for the keys at the bottom of your purse. Put those days of panic and ruined pantsuits behind you. The launch device in every pad senses your urgency and immediately sends a signal to Houston for a successful mission.

The Note Pad: even the most clever career woman can get stuck in traffic on a bus without a place to pee. No need to fret when you've remembered your Note Pad, the perfect pee accessory for gals on the "go."  While you're hanging from the strap the dirty old man checking out your derriere has no idea you're taking care of "business," right in front of his nose, if you catch our drift.

The Football Pad: four hours of beers and brats in the nosebleed seats won't faze you ever again!! Because you're ready for some football with this convenient, ultra light, yet ultra maxed out pad with enough longterm absorbency to handle a whole team of Budweiser ponies.

So if you're one of the millions of American women who wanted to have natural childbirth instead of opting for a c-section and now you're stuck with leaky bladders -- it's time to stop your splattering!!! Get the protection only a professional pee pad can provide. Why piss on yourself when thanks to our handy pee pads you can piss off!!!!

Here's the new jingle:

[MARCHING MUSIC]
Today's the day I'm finally free of pee!
No more wet spots for anyone to see!
My bladder can leak all week if it wants
'Cause I won't make a peep when it taunts
[BRIDGE] No more shaking my leg
No more worry and tears
No more ups and downs
No more hurry and fear
[SHOUTING] I'm free! Yes, I'm free!
Today's the day I do it my way because -- I'm free!
[BIG FINISH] Today's the day I'm fin-al-ly free of PEE!



Don't get me started on E.D.