A Day Like Any Other Day

Today I got a message on my house phone from a mysterious male caller. It went something like this:

"Hi, [Mrs. Linklater], this is a voice from only 45 years ago. I'm not going to leave my phone or name now. Maybe tomorrow. I have some surprise stuff."

Forty-five years ago? Doesn't that mean whoever is calling me is dead? Okay I can do the math. Forty-five years ago was the year I graduated from college. At first I figured my caller was someone I knew from when I was exploring the northwest passage with Lewis and Clark. Or somebody who hung with me during that long winter I spent stuck in the snow crossing the Donner Pass.

Wait a minute, I graduated in 1965, not 1865. My parents gave me a brand new '65 Mustang for graduation, which I immediately gassed up and drove across country. I know people who would kill to have that car today. Me for instance.

I knew immediately from the message that there was only one person who would know who my secret caller was -- my old roomie from college. Sure enough, she confessed to giving the mystery man my number. But she still wouldn't tell me who he was.

Frankly, I hope it's Gerard Butler. I know. He wasn't a speck on the flypaper of life forty-five years ago. Still, Gerard would be a nice surprise, knocking on my door wearing that leather Speedo from his acting tour de force in The 300.

Since I started watching that bastion of breaking celebrity news, TMZ, and learned that Gerard is a serial "dater" -- a euphemism for any actor who sleeps around as much as Warren Beatty did in his heyday -- I've been a fan of his.

After I discovered Mr. Butler, he has been showing up in movies I didn't know he was in. There was "P.S. I love you" where he played Hilary Swank's dead Irish husband. [I didn't say they were good movies.] He was speaking English in that nearly unintelligible, yet charming, River Dance accent, but I frankly didn't give a shit, because the guy is really goodlooking. Izzie's dead guy from Grey's Anatomy was also in the same movie, playing another Irishman, so I got a two-fer watching that flick. [I think I finally may be over my Russell Crowe thing.]

Gerard showed up this morning again. I was watching Lara Croft, Titular Tomb Raider, waiting for a re-run of JAG [because I do love men in uniform], when -- ta-da -- there's my boy Gerry playing opposite Angelie Jolie. He's supposedly a Scotsman in that movie. Go figure. I guess the director figured all white Anglo Saxons sound alike, so nobody would know.. Naturally, I still couldn't understand a word he said, but, somehow I knew exactly what he was saying.

Best line of the movie? Gerard to Angelina, who has taken the barechested Gerard to his knees with a ferocious Kung Fu move after he dared to put his hand on her bare shoulder: "You can break my wrist, but I'm still going to kiss you." Oh, be still my heart. That line was almost as good as the time Sean Young told James Woods, "You're going to fall in love with me." This was back when they met for the first time on the set of a movie. Woods' comeback to her was, "Unless I kill you first."

I actually wrote that scintillating bit of conversation into the opening of a beer commercial. For some reason, I was told it would be inappropriate. Yeah, but it still made for a great ad.

Okay, everyone, out of the pool.