One Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

I almost didn't escape from rehab. I was loading up my car to leave when the head nurse approached. She asked, "Who is driving you home?"

"I'm driving myself home," I said.

"You can't do that," she practically shouted.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because nobody has done that before," she exclaimed.

Now there's a good reason.

"Well, there's nothing in your literature that says I can't drive myself home," I retorted, "Besides," I added, "I have no hip restrictions. So I am allowed to drive, as long as I'm not taking any narcotics."

"Are you on any narcotics?"

"Not for 24 hours. I had one Darvocet yesterday."

"How did you get your car here anyway?" She wondered, changing the subject.

"I got a ride to my house yesterday and drove it back," I explained.

"You left rehab?" She asked, looking astounded.

"Yes, my stepmom picked me up and drove me to get my car," I said.

"That's against our rules."

"But only you seem to know the rules. There's nothing in your literature that says I can't leave the premises."

"But you're supposed to get a pass."

"Nobody told me that I had to have a pass."

"Well, you are supposed to have one."

"But there's nothing in your literature. . ."

"That doesn't matter. No one is supposed to leave without telling us."

"Too late. By the way, if you're not going to let me drive myself home, how am I supposed to get there?"

"Can't you call someone to come get you?"

"And what should I do with my car when they get here to pick me up?"

"Hmmm. I guess you're going to have to sign a waiver."

So I signed a waiver that said I was leaving rehab against medical wishes because I was driving myself home. All of two miles. That way they figured they'd be off the hook if I had an accident on the way.

I wonder if I should have a plaque made to commemorate my milestone:

On this date in 2009,

Mrs. Linklater was the first person

to ever leave this rehab facility

while driving herself.