We're Here To Help

SI Swimsuit Model trying to demonstrate her figure faults

Well it's beach time. And the first thing any woman wants to do is hide her figure faults. Yep, nothing like putting on a bathing suit to keep everybody in the dark about all the ugly parts you've been hiding under your sweatshirts and stuffing into your jeans.

Thank goodness AOL has offered some solutions to women who don't have the perfect figure. And they put these helpful hints on the front page of the Welcome Screen. Better sit on something waterproof, these are gonna make you pee.

Imagine five beautiful models who supposedly have figure faults that need to be addressed. I should mention that these are faults which are not visible to the naked eye. Like high pitched noises only dogs can hear.   

HIDE YOUR FIGURE FLAWS
1. Minimize a Large Bust

Did I miss the memo on this one?  I coulda sworn I just saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said MAXIMIZE Your Large Bust.  Did the surgeon general came out with a report saying that having a large bust was dangerous to your health?  The only person who might be in danger is some guy who has a heart attack from the thrill of it all.

2. Trim Down Your Thighs

Here use this teeny tiny piece of flower print material to discreetly distract people's eyes from the top inch of your thunderous legs. Then just let the rest of your cellulite hang out flapping in the breeze completely uncovered.  No one will notice. 

By the way, not only does the thigh model shown on AOL's Welcome Screen have an unacceptably Large Bust, which should have been fashionably eliminated, according to the directions in suggestion in No. 1, but if HER thighs need trimming down, Suzanne Somers is a rhinocerous. 

3. Flatten Belly Bulges

No belly bulges? What's a guy going to hang on to?  Now that you are carefully minimizing your boobs and your thighs are invisible, if you don't look at them, there's nothing but your bulges to help him gain a foothold. The fashionable AOL solution?  Wear black. A great beach color. Why didn't you think of this before? Take off all your clothes.  Then cover your large chest, enormous thighs, and multiple belly rolls in something dark and no one will notice.

4.  Hide Your Hips

Their suggestion? Draw attention away from your hippo hips up to your new, eensy weensy bust [see No. 1, if you haven't been paying attention].  You can do this by using flashing orange lights on your hooters and they'll never notice that YOU have hips that need more parking space than a tractor trailer. My suggestion for hiding those double wides on the beach?  Wear a raincoat.

5. Conceal a Big Butt

Well, at least they came out and called a fat ass a fat ass. But I love that AOL assures widebodied women that you can "de-emphasize your rear with a solid bottom and a patterned top."  Kinda like you can hide a '49 Packard under a tarp.  Sure, as long as it's a solid color everything will be completely invisible.

I hope that the next Welcome Screen has five suggestions for guys:
1. Minimize your man boobs
2. Grooming the hair on your back
3. Polish sausage or lead pipe?
4. Husky or just plain fat?
5. Speedos suck