Ask Mrs. Linklater -- Some of My Best Friends Are Gay Edition

In honor of the Lutherans' latest rejection of committed gays as members of their clergy, Mrs. Linklater takes out her frustration on the advice columnists because they're such easy targets. The fact that she is not a lesbian or a Lutheran had no bearing on her decision. She just likes to annoy people.

Sister-in-law's sexual orientation worth discussing?

ASK AMY
Published August 12, 2005 CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Dear Amy: I have reason to believe that my sister-in-law is gay. My husband (her brother) and I have never discussed her sexual orientation, but we are both accepting of homosexuality.

Because her being gay has no bearing on my life, I largely feel I should never bring it up. However, in a way, if the subject were broached, perhaps she would feel more comfortable coming out, and I would not feel that the topic was taboo around my husband.

Should I bring it up to him or let it continue to rest?

-- OK With Gays


Dear OK: If everything is really OK, then what is that elephant doing in your living room?

I gather from your letter that you are wondering whether you should have this conversation with your husband (not his sister), and I can't think of why you wouldn't. In my experience, husbands and wives discuss all sorts of things that have no direct bearing on their lives, and I agree that broaching the subject might put it "out there" in a way that proves positive.

You: "Honey, have you ever thought that Nancy might be gay?"

He: "No. I don't know what you're talking about."

You: "Well, would it bother you if she did happen to be gay?"

He: "Come to think of it, it wouldn't bother me at all."

See? Now it's out there. Time to move on to other topics.

Mrs. Linklater falls out of her pew laughing at people who are "OK with Gays." And then obsess about them. What's with that?  Even worse, the conversation between a husband and a wife is so not real. Mrs. L has been married. She knows that the dialogue would go way more like this:

WIFE:  Have you seen my motorcycle helmet, Honey?

HUSBAND:  No, didn't you wear it to the tattoo parlor last week, Sweetums?

WIFE:  I thought I did, but it's not hanging in the mudroom with my chrome studded dog collar, Poopsie.

HUSBAND:  Well, I can imagine your homicidal frustration, Lovebug.

WIFE:  When you get up can you look in the closet for me, My Beloved?

HUSBAND:  Certainly, Sweetcakes, I would be happy to.

WIFE:  While you're at it, Sugar, see if  your sister is in there, too.

See, no need to use emotionally charged words like GAY or LESBIAN. At the same time any thoughtful, concerned sister-in-law can out her husband's butch or lipstick sibling without resorting to blackmail or poison. Or sticking her tongue out and saying NA NA NA NA NA.

Mrs. Linklater also has practice conversations you can use to tell everybody you work with that your boss is performing unnatural acts with No. 2 pencils.

Why libel and slander the people close to you when you can accomplish so much more with rumor and innuendo.

Stop the whining, Mrs. Linklater is here to help.