ASK MRS. LINKLATER -- TEMPER! TEMPER! EDITION

Mrs. Linklater would like to know what it is about men in orange jump suits with their hands and feet in chains that makes them so attractive?

Once again an advice columnist treats this female phenomenon with kid gloves instead of the sledghammer it needs. Thank goodness Mrs. Linklater is around to slap these goofy women upside the head.

As usual our advice giver gets first dibs on this daffy duck.

Chicago Tribune Last Week
Dear Amy: I am 21 years old and hope you'll give me some honest answers. I really trust your point of view.

I am in a relationship with someone whom I love very much. We have only been together for five months, three of which he has spent in jail. I have fallen hard and fast for him! He is very good to me and tells me that he really cares about me and loves me very much. We have a very open and honest relationship, but I am worried about his bad temper.

He was brought up "on the streets," and he has always lived the "hard knocks" life. I am waiting for him to get sentenced to find out when he will get out of prison. When he does, we are planning on living together! He has a history with his temper, but he is working on that now, learning other ways to deal with things that stress him

Dear Concerned: Not all people who have a hard-knocks life or grow up on the streets have uncontrollable tempers. I point that out because it is my job to remove excuses Nos. 1 and 2 from your reasoning. Your guy is responsible for his own actions.

Now that I have your attention, let me say loudandclear that you must not move in with him.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in any relationship is to hope that you will be able to change somebody else.

You cannot change him. Changing is his job. Talk is cheap, especially in prison, where people have every reason to talk a good game and no way to prove anything.

I imagine that your mother is very worried about you. It's very sweet of you to think that unconditional love, respect and honesty can cure an out-of-control temper, but it just doesn't work that way.

The fact that you think you can perform such an extreme makeover on this guy is an indication that you are not as mature as you think you are. Take your good heart and compassion, and find somebody who is available to reciprocate and give you the life you deserve.

Mrs. Linklater steps away from her Krispy Kreme to offer three words of advice for this young woman:  Witness Protection Program.

Oh wait, they don't have things like that for battered women. But you don't think you'll be a battered woman do you? You're too busy writing "MRS. I LOVE A GUY IN PRISON AND HE LOVES ME" again and again on page after page of three ring notebook paper in your trapper keeper. With smiley faces in the little circles you make over the letter "I."

Well, Little Miss One Brick Shy Of A Load, let Mrs. Linklater predict your sorry future:

Loser, I mean Lover Boy, gets out of jail. He moves in with you. So far so good. One day, and it may be the next day or the next month, you're going to do something that annoys him. Like you didn't get him the hot sauce for his eggs fastenough. Something really important.

Suddenly instead of basking in your unconditional love and becoming a good and useful citizen, Bad Temper Boy will turn on you and before you can set his favorite bottle of sauce in front of him and say you're sorry -- because you always have to say you're sorry -- you will become his personal punching bag.

Congratulations!!! Enjoy your FIRST, but not your LAST extreme makeover!

You get a new wardrobe -- lots of long sleeved shirts to hide the welts on your arms.  

You get new make up -- the heavy kind that can hide the dark bruises on your face

You get a new pair of sunglasses -- the big black ones that hide your swollen eyes.

It's not a question of IF this will happen to you, my naive nymphette, but WHEN.

Here's the good part. You won't listen to your mother. You won't listen to Amy. And you won't listen to Mrs. Linklater either.

No, you will do the stupid, dangerous thing and move in with this bad tempered bastard. Sorry did Mrs. Linklater say BASTARD?  Yes. She meant to. And because you don't want to admit you made a mistake, you'll let him beat you up seven or eight times until one day you call your mom and ask her to come get you.

Unless someone else calls the cops who have to call the medical examiner.

Lotsa luck!!!