MEMOS

To Katie Couric:

With all due respect Ms. Couric -- have you considered the shelf life for a straight guy in his thirties and a menopausal woman? Just something to contemplate as you shop for new underwear and keep your legs and moustache waxed.

And don't play the Mary Tyler Moore card. Sure, she's fifteen years older than her husband. And looks good in a preserved and embalmed kind of way. But she didn't have kids who still needed to be raised. Also part of me wonders if her younger doctor spouse isn't gay. My apologies for reverting to steorotypes.
 
While we're at it don't play the Demi Moore card either. I will make bet that when Ashton Kutcher grows up he's going to want to make babies of his own. If those two make it ten more years I will eat my hair gel. Ted Danson's first wife was ten years older and I think he stayed because she had a stroke. I bet he waited to leave until it wouldn't affect his career. How's that for a cold assessment?

Mrs. Linklater has been there and done all that. Passing the fifty year mark seems to bring out the thirty something curiosity seekers. After realizing their interest isn't a college prank, you succumb to the thrill of it all, then the discovery that in the end, because it will end, you were only for show and tell. When the semester's over, they're gone. Although they like to stop by the alumni office from time to time.

Don't look past next week Katie. You will because you are a woman and we can't help ourselves, but don't say I didn't warn you.

To Angelina Jolie --

How many kids are you up to? Four. And you say you want to have more. Why? Chiildren aren't Hummel collectibles. Having one of each color isn't a good reason to adopt. First of all you aren't married. That should be one of the most important reasons to consider when you're ramping up to own a baseball team. I'm sorry, did I say own? My bad.

Your partner could leave at any time, which may be sooner rather than later if you both get maxed out on parenthood. [Any bets on when that will be?]

Children deserve a mom and a dad. Ask anyone who is divorced and raising their own. They also need lots of face time, when they can look up from what they're doing at any time and see you there. Quality time is what they call parenting in fifteen minute increments. It makes moms and dads who aren't around much feel better.

Meanwhile, you seem to be in a frenzy to adopt as many as you can as fast as you can. Why not spread them out more, so each one can be appreciated for themselves and not clumped together like a daycare group. That way you and what's his name might have a chance to make this work. At least as long as you have money to keep hiring nannies.

To Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicole Richie

Three words:  Human Papilloma Virus