Playing the Weekend Game with Scalzi

Weekend Assignment #100: Share 10 facts about yourself -- from the next five years. Imagine what you see happening over the next half decade and then tell us about it, in interesting fact form. You can be serious, or silly, or somewhere inbetween. But give it some real thought and then take a stab at your future facts. If you find 10 facts too much, just do five. Either way it'll be fun.


LET THE FUN BEGIN --
1. The grand opening of my newest Pony Espresso "Drive up for your coffee and drive your craving for caffeine away" is marred by a slight fender bender between one of the old hybrid electric cars and the new hydrogen fuel cell monsters. The vapor trail alone makes me long for an old fashioned SUV.

2. Speaking of which, those retro fitted Hummers are working out great for the rent-a cops who keep an eye on the middle eastern company that's been running our ports since 2006.  Amazing how a top mounted machine gun on those babies can keep out the riff raff. Especially when you never know when those trigger happy dudes might decide to fire. At least my brother has a job now.

3. Pizza Hut delivery guys have finally dropped their suit. The trouble started during the last promotion period when customers were offered "All the toppings you want including the kitchen sink" and there were several complaints of back problems. Apparently they will settle out of court at one of my cousin's massage parlors.

4. Which reminds me -- Camp Pendleton's latest porn site has broken all previous records with its 10 billionth hit. Recruits now have a choice of boot camp or booty camp, which has increased enrollment every year since 2006. The joint chiefs are careful to point out that no gays have been used in the making of this site. I cannot confirm or deny why I know this.

5. Donald Trump's hair has finally been declared an official disaster area. My sister-in-law has been working on the case since law school. But FEMA will no longer be sending help to aid victims of his combover thing, mainly because FEMA is still sending themselves memos about what to wear to meetings in New Orleans.  

6. After 83 tries, The Maury Povich show finally tracked down the father of Sissy Sleazebag's fourth child just in time to start work on DNA testing for her fifth. The whole family is glad that Uncle Ray finally came out of hiding.

7.  Lisa Rinna, who has been confused with me for years, parlayed her appearances on Dancing With The Stars II into a permanent gig at Madame Toussaud's in Hollywood, She has just been re-waxed for the upcoming season of "Dead or Alive?" This latest reality show from Mark Burnett pits real life cadavers against movie stars who just look embalmed.

8. The obesity crisis among American Teens has finally come to an end, along with all the companies that fed them. Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew and Yoohoo are just three of the soft drink giants no longer in business. They join Cheetos, Lay's, Jay's, and all the candy bar companies filing for bankruptcy. I have to say drinking milk is starting to get old.

9. Speaking of bankruptcy, Enron's latest ad campaign pretty much says it all -- "We're back!!" Apparently they showed the commercials at my daughter's annual reunion of former Arthur Andersen employees.

10. Bode Miller enters re-hab for real, he says. Maybe the sixth time's the charm. As his mother-in-law I try to be supportive.


Extra Credit: So, who's president in 2011?
Since Hillary shockingly lost to that byotch Condaleeza, I've lost interest. Unless that bill to allow an exception for The Governator finally passes. What is this -- the fourth try?