Tennis the Menace

Too bad. It looks like Serena and Venus will end up playing each other in the finals at Wimbledon. They are the reigning women of Big Babe tennis -- the females who can hit and serve as well as the men. I'd put either one of them up against a bunch of the men on the pro tour. Okay, the Men's Masters' tour. Although I think either one of them could have knocked off Tim Henman.

Despite having more obvious musculature, Serena's serve isn't quite as strong as her taller, more lanky sister, Venus, who pounds hers at around 127 mph. John McEnroe got to 124 once.

However, if they end up playing each other, you won't see anything exciting. Oh, sorry, did I hit the ball too hard at you. Well, I won't do it again. Watch out I'm going wide on this serve -- better be ready.

They'll probably hug and kiss between sets.

The last time these two went head to head in the finals I almost fell asleep. Everybody was hoping for the battle of the century. But neither one of them came to play. It was like they'd flipped a coin to decide the winner beforehand. And only showed up on the court as a formality. 

I can't even remember who won. It didn't matter, because there has never been a more boring, uninspired couple of sets in the history of the women's championships at Wimbledon. Or any championships for that matter. On the way to the finals they both played brilliantly, aggressively, like they were on a mission. And then, nothing. That seems to be happening this time.

So I hope somebody steps up and knocks one of them off. Maybe the Chinese girl. She's the first citizen of her country to get to any grand slam semi-final. Maybe she will be the first to get to a final. At least that way we can hope to have an interesting championship to watch. With both players going all out to win. Unfortunately, it looks like the women's finals will be a bust. No pun intended.

Unlike when Roger Federer plays Rafa Nadal. Because, baring injury, the men's finals is also a foregone conclusion. Only they play for blood. At least Nadal does. Federer plays like a serial killer. But, unlike the Williams sisters they didn't grow up together. And they don't play doubles together. And they didn't have to buck social conventions to make it in a sport dominated by white country club kids. So the two guys can face each other completely focused, without any conflicting emotions.

Or their periods. No, really, Serena has confessed that it affects her game. And not in a good way. So don't ever make bet on her unless you know FOR SURE it's not her time of the month.

Hmm. I wonder if there's any grant money to track the career records of elite women athletes when they get their periods. Some women do well, even better. But Serena had so many colossal collapses that I was wondering if the hormone madness was affecting her, when all of a sudden, she 'fessed up in a magazine article. I don't think it was MAXIM.

And don't get me started on the detrimental effect of big boobs.

I know, TMI.