Sarah Palin Is A Republican Wet Dream

[For the duration of the 2008 campaign, the part of Sarah Palin will be played by Tina Fey]

On paper, Sarah Palin almost sounds like a meth-head. Okay, maybe that's too harsh -- how about insane survivalist?

Don't think so? Let's go through her bio one vice presidential quality at a time.

1. Female resident of Alaska.

What comes to mind? A well coiffed Ann Coulter lookalike? A poised replica of Condy Rice?  

I don't know about you but my primary experience with women from Alaska was the late Iditarod musher, Susan Butcher. who wore snowmobile suits, lived in a cabin in the woods and raised sled dogs. What you couldn't experience watching on TV, according to people who interviewed her, was the smell of someone who didn't bathe very often. 

I can just imagine what it was like when McCain's search team was sitting around late at night trying to think out of the box for a veep nominee. Whaddya think Marty? We're getting our asses kicked with all the Hillary love. Isn't it about time we vetted a broad, sorry, woman? Yeah, Roger, but, not just any babe, she ought to be from way out of town -- you know, like Alaska. Alaska's a state, right? You serious Marty? A woman from Alaska? C'mon! Are there any women in Alaska? Sure. They got all those descendants of the hookers who worked the pipeline. I even think they got a Hooter's. Hooter's? That's funny Marty. Can you see a buncha hotties in shorts and plaid shirts? Wanna buy some hot penguin wings Mister? I'm dying here.   

Okay, seriousness.

You have to believe that a sight unseen woman from Alaska might be a hard sell to those Republican marketing twits at first. Why? Because you don't conjure up a pilates devotee in a tailored suit and heels. If you do, you're a liar. 

With the image of Ms. Butcher on my mind, I'm thinking you'd get a big, lumberjacky babe who maybe runs a bar. Sorry, let's ratchet that stereotype back and just call her "larger than life," not "big."

2. Now add "mother of five" to the description. Does her butt look fat now? You bet. 

3. Plus she's a card-carrying member of the NRA -- really likes to shoot moose, probably with a 'scope, throw the carcass into the pick up, drive home and make up a pot of her famous moose stew. Right next to the burner where she cooks the meth. You do whatcha gotta do with five screaming kids to feed, don't ya know.  

No way I'm seeing anyone that resembles Nancy Reagan going out to field dress big game in the wilderness.   

4. This next one pretty much guarantees that Sarah Palin on paper is going to be scary as shit: she helps out her husband on his commercial fishing boat. Ever see what they wear? Ever smell them after a day spent hauling ass on one of those trawlers? Living with sled dogs is Chanel No. 5 next to Odeur de Fish.

By the way, with the visual image this bio is building, can you believe Sarah Palin's actually got a husband? Sound impossible? Did I mention that the ratio of men to women in Alaska is 20 to 1?

5. But that's not the best part. Her hubba bubba is an Inuit. You know, one of those people we used to call Eskimos -- so we get a two-fer -- a woman AND her minority spouse. Is it great to be a Republican or what?

[For the duration of the 2008 campaign, the part of Ms. Palin's husband will be played by a regular white guy who looks just like him.]

6. Did I mention her nickname on the high school basketball team was "Barracuda"?

Wait a minute Marty, this basketball thing -- she's not a lesbo, right? Not a chance Roger, she was a beauty queen, ya know? Beauty queens can't be lesbians. Yeah, but exactly what is beauty in Alaska? Yer right, I dunno.   

7. Here's the big finish: Sarah Palin is the governor of Alaska.

You pulling my leg, Roger? Would I lie, Marty? Sarah Palin is the bona fide governor of Alaska. For almost a year and a half. Can you believe it? No shit. Elected and everything. Actually, I think they flipped a coin and she lost.     
 
Tell the truth, if you didn't know Sarah Palin was the governor, you'd be thinking she lived in a trailer down by the docks, heated with kerosene lamps, with a pick up out front and a broken down washing machine rusting out back.

But, quelle surprise, it turns out Sarah Palin is attractive. The Alaskan version of tits and ass. No way she hangs with McCain unless she's got the looky-loos. Anybody who thinks otherwise hasn't watched TV for the last forty years.

With a journalism degree from that hotbed of newshounds, the University of Idaho, she has become top dog in one of our least populous states. Wyoming, also nearly empty, has also had a female governor. She was a former rodeo queen. Together they barely rise above the credibility of Tupperware Ladies.

But part of Palin's charm is that she also has a reputation as a reformer, don't forget. Ooooo, I'm scared.

Alaska has a population of about one person for every forty-two miles, and they all have guns. Think nineteenth century frontier town, only way bigger. Up there, a fella takes off his hat for a pretty lady. If Sarah Palin had been a man when she achieved maverick status by taking on the state's notoriously corrupt politicians, they would have just pulled out a gun and shot her.

Did I mention her undistinguished degree in journalism from the Harvard of Baked Potato Land, where she probably set up a bogus residency to get the in-state discount? In the whole of Alaska there are only 670,000 people. So a local yokel like Sarah Palin could easily parlay her weak educational creds into a governorship, since nobody else finished high school.

Next to any number of women who deserve the vice presidential nomination more, she isn't even a little fish in a little pond. She's bait.

In the real world, Sarah Palin isn't qualified to hang Hillary's pantsuit. Although she could give Dan Quayle a run for his money.

Tags: Sarah Palin