What If Todd Becomes First Lady?

Okay, worst case scenario -- McCain gets elected president and, heaven help us, dies in office. Suddenly Sarah Palin has to move the double wide out of the Rose Garden and into the White House.

Deciding where to hang the dead moose and park the boat trailer, not to mention keeping track of five kids, a [self-proclaimed] redneck hockey player, and a grandchild will not be easy.

But her biggest problem will be figuring out what to do with her hubba bubba, Todd, Alaska’s First Dude [no, really, that’s what they call him].

Left to his own devices, there’s only so much reindeer sausage and beer a guy can consume before one day she finds him working on his snowmobile in the Lincoln Bedroom.   

In case you missed the last couple of hundred years, the First Spouse has traditionally been a female, This was fortunate, since that meant there would be someone gender appropriate available to choose drapes, select silverware, prepare menus, and make sure there were no dust fuzzies in the front hall.

I believe these previously all-female tasks are spelled out in the Declaration of Independence, right after “We hold these truths to be self-evident. . .”  Remember, in 1776, women were considered their husbands’ property, like slaves, so I’m sure it never occurred to our founding fathers that a First Lady would ever be a First Laddie, to borrow from Bill Clinton.

In order to keep their brains from dissolving into oatmeal, First Ladies also choose a pet project that they champion during their husbands’ presidencies. For example, Laura Bush was a librarian, so it was natural for her to choose a project that would encourage children to read and get their educations.  

John McCain’s wife, Cindy, might travel the country visiting nursing homes to espouse federally funded Botox treatments for the elderly. Or she could just hand out free beer to the homeless.

But what’s Todd going to do if his wife is suddenly thrust into the presidency? Teach inner city kids how to shoot wolves and bears from the presidential helicopter? Show families who have lost their homes how to freeze enough caribou to get them through the winter?  Invite union steelworkers to the White House for a light repast of cold cucumber soup and a filet of poached salmon he caught himself?

Maybe he could start a support group for dads who have pregnant teenage daughters. The guys could park their pick ups on the South Lawn and use the Washington Monument for target practice, while they talk about shooting the boys who knocked their girls up. Then fire up the grills and tailgate.

Anything is possible. McCain made sure of that.