Do Not Buy Another Carly Simon CD Until She Tells Us ONCE AND FOR ALL Who She's Singing About On You're So Vain.

Seriously, do not purchase anything of hers ever again. Or I'll come to your house and take it away from you. Unless she agrees to tell who she wrote that song about. Haven't you noticed how she's playing these stupid little games right when she's releasing her new version of You're So Vain. It's bad enough she's doing a cover of her own song. Smells of PR poop. Get the Glade. Sure, go ahead, Carly, use us. Play games with your fans. Again. You are SO-O-O vain. 
     Because she's done this before you know -- dropped hints. Remember when she wanted us to think she wrote You're So Vain about Warren Beatty? Supposedly, she was "dating" him and he dumped her. Actually Warren didn't date; he was a world class sport-farker. Well, get over it, Carly, he farked and dumped about half of Hollywood. At least you got a song out of it. Honestly, I can't believe so many people give a shit who that song is about. 
     Today I was listening to some lame talk radio host taking calls from listeners about who the guy could be. Ever the coy bitch, Carly now says his name is David and claims she has mentioned him in other songs. They're even playing her old tunes and trying to hear her say DAVID. "Did you hear it? I heard something that sounded like David."
     The big money is on David Geffen which I think makes absolutely no sense. Especially because one look at him and you can see he has absolutely no reason to be vain. David Geffen makes about as much sense as David Hartman. Remember David Hartman from Good Morning America? Neither does anyone else. See what I mean?

Some guy called the station and said he thought she wrote You're So Vain about James Taylor. James Taylor? But here's the best part. The talk show host said, "Wasn't she dating James Taylor for awhile?"  No, stupid, she was married to the guy back when he still had hair and THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN. The song is not about him because he was probably so doped up he couldn't see himself in the mirror. 
     There is somebody who is supposed to know -- Dick Ebersole, the network producer. Apparently he bid $50,000 at some fancy schmancy auction for the privilege of having Carly perform You're So Vain and tell him who it was about. I bet he'd tell us if we said please. 
     Wait a minute. I'm not doing that. Because I don't care who the song is about. Nope. Don't. I do think it's a great song, however. In fact I've always thought she was a brilliant songwriter. If you have a chance, listen to the vamp before the opening lyric. So original, so unique. 
     In fact, I'd rather know what the heck Let the River Run is about. I mean, really, the new Jerusalem? Huh? Is that some secret password for New York? The first time I heard it was over the opening to Working Girl when the Staten Island ferry is making its way across the Hudson. She re-recorded that one again in 2009 and it pretty much sucks compared to the original. Not like when Jose Feliciano did his amazing cover of The Doors' Light My Fire. And turned it into a brand new song. 
     So, let's review. You promise, word of honor, that you will not buy anything by Carly Simon until she rats out the bastard who made her write that song.
     Just so we're clear. 
     You can go now.