Mrs. Linklater's New Year's Resolutions

The best part about making New Year's resolutions is knowing that nobody keeps them, so in the end, there's really no pressure. In fact, we're all pretty much doomed to failure, according to this annoying British study. With that in mind, it won't matter if I reach for the stars or just settle for some low hanging fruit, because, who cares? Heck, expectations are so low that just typing these life-changing ideas ought to be considered a success.

For 2013 --

1. I will replace my regular acts of retribution with a random act of kindness every day  every so often. No more writing "Hope you don't fark like you park" in lipstick on the windshield of a car that's not properly placed between the lines. 

2. I will write the bestselling book people have been asking me to write for years. I'm thinking it should be an original, compelling memoir about my life as a baronness. The opening line will be, "I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills." 

3. I will start a foundation to provide polar fleece to the world. And lint rollers to keep the hair off, especially in the armpit area.

4. I will stop complaining about the high price of baked Cheetos.    

5. I will figure out how to speak in low, modulated, mellifluous tones, with few, if any swear words to punctuate my conversation. Okay, everything but the swear words.  

6. I will re-hab my bathroom and replace my kitchen cabinets all by myself with a little help from Home Depot and my Craftsman tools. And paint the living room. And the garage. After I plant a new garden. Boy, I crack myself up. 

7. I will become a vegetarian. As soon as I can give up meat, fish and poultry.

8. I will get a SmartPhone. When you people stop making fun of me for not having one. 

 There is NOTHING wrong with this phone. Nothing.

9. I will become a role model for my children, so when they grow up they can feel proud of the way I raised them. . .oh wait, too late.

10. I will no longer eat food more than two weeks past its expiration date. Same with men. 

As I look back on these inspiring thoughts, I suddenly realize these are all doable. But lest I see a triumph of hope and change on the horizon, let me remind myself that failure is far more interesting to write about.