The list of dream trips Mrs. Linklater would like to take is endless. And no longer available. For reasons that will become apparent.
She would like to take a leisurely ride on the Orient Express as a fabulously wealthy European countess in 1933. The opulent first class railroad cars. The fabulous clothes. The incredible service. The extraordinary food. Okay, there's soot from the engine that gets on your clothes and in your hair and makes it hard to breathe. And there's no air conditioning if it gets hot. And no tampon dispensers. But this is a dream isn't it?
She would like to spend a week sitting next to Dorothy Parker, when she was holding court at the Algonquin Hotel. Oh to be insulted by one of the legends. A woman Mrs. Linklater could look up to.
She would like to go to the Dartmouth Winter Carnival she missed when she was a freshman in college. With the dead guy who asked her. Well, he was alive then.
She would like to see what it's like to deliver mail as a Pony Express rider back in 18 hundred whatever it was. Can't beat the feeling of riding a horse loping across the open range. After hours and hours of course and being attacked by Indians, it could get old, but there would be those moments that would make it really special.
She'd like to be a member of Ted Turners' crew when he was competing in the America's Cup. Or any other sailboat race he was in. She'd have to have a sex change, too, since those races were with guys only.
But Mrs. Linklater's real dream vacation would start with a trip to a relaxing spa. She would spend a week or two having massages, doing meditation, living in luxurious accommodations and eating fabulous food. Both her daughters and all her girlfriends would join her.
Then she would come home to discover that her house has been completely renovated from the basement to the attic. Inside and out. New appliances. New furniture. New pets. Everything new. For free.
Oh, and she would also lose 30 pounds at the spa.
Okay, this is not a really a dream vacation. It's a total hallucination.
Unless Ty andhis crew read AOL Journals and -- oh, get real, Mrs. Linklater.