Sunday, August 28, 2005
Truth or Dare TWO
In which Mrs. Linklater never ceases to be entertained by men on the internet.
Instant messages from the last couple of weeks:
HIM: Hi, how would you like to have dinner with me when I'm in Chicago?
ME: Can I wear my hiking boots?
The guy owns a hardware store out west and he's coming in for a lawn and garden convention. I don't know him at all. But who wouldn't jump at the chance to meet a man in such a fascinating line of work?
More than once he offers me the chance to have a fancy meal with him at the restaurant of my choice. A dinner cruise even. And, he hints, perhaps even more.
ME: But I don't even know you.
HIM: We'll get to know each other. Have drinks first.
ME: I don't drink.
HIM: Well, we can talk.
ME: How soon before you make your move?
What is it about the offer of free food that makes a man think you'll want to reciprocate with sex? Before even knowing his name or what he looks like? And his one had nothing to brag about.
HIM: You must have great legs.
ME: Based on what?
HIM: Based on how pretty your picture is.
ME: [GROAN] I'm almost six feet tall. How tall are you?
HIM: I'm five eleven and three quarters. [TRANSLATON: 5'9"]
ME: You have me at a disadvantage because I don't have a picture of you.
SENDS A PICTURE OF A MIDDLE AGED MAN WITH A PAUNCH AND HAIR THAT LOOKS DYED BLACK.
ME: Oh my!
I used to think that only good looking guys were willing to swap pictures. But I was wrong, apparently.
HIM: I'm married and looking for someone to have an occasional get together with.
ME: How soon can you get here?
HIM: LOL. Really?
Lots of married guys trolling. With no plans to divorce. Just looking for a freebie.
HIM Are you into K9?
ME: I'll bite, what do you mean by K9?
HIM: I'll send you a video. It's pretty graphic.
HE SENDS ME A VIDEO THAT IS GRAPHIC IN WAYS I HAVE NEVER IMAGINED. I SHOULD BE MORTIFIED. BUT I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, BECAUSE I'M AMAZED THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS STUFF. OF COURSE, I WATCH IT AGAIN.
ME: I love dogs. But this is a usage I hadn't ever considered before.
There are shoe guys, foot guys, lingerie guys, looking for submissive women guys, all kinds of guys -- AOL is a regular bonfire of vanities and fetishes. And they're not shy about asking if you'll go along.
One guy, who lived a little too close to my neighborhood for comfort, kept IM-ing when he saw me on in the morning. He continually asked if he could take care of me. He wanted to cook, clean, and give me massages. But then he sent his picture [hey, never say never] and I had to tell me him wasn't my type -- I have no problem with bald guys, but I had a problem with that bald guy.
HIM: Hi, 30/M/single. Want to play truth or dare?
ME: Okay, tell me the truth -- have you EVER had a girlfriend?
HIM: How do you mean girlfriend?
ME: That's okay, you answered my question.
I am older than all these guys by a minimum of nine years. In one case, by more than thirty years. They don't even blink. Because the Mrs. Robinson factor kicks in.
What is the Mrs. Robinson factor? That any woman who is older would be willing to hook up with a guy as long as he's younger. No wining and dining necessary. No strings. No regrets. No responsibility. I believe the thinking goes like this: Dustin Hoffman was a geek. I'm a nerd, which is like a geek. Hey, I'm in.
To conclude this week's episode, if you chat for more than five minutes there is one question that always comes up. It is inevitable.
HIM: Do you have any more pictures? [TRANSLATION: CAN YOU SHOW ME YOUR HOOTERS?]
ME: I have my high school graduation picture. It's a little dated.
HIM: LOL, no really.
ME: No. Really.
I started saving these IM conversations because no one would believe me otherwise. Now I'm saving them because I can't believe them myself.