Sunday, August 28, 2005

Truth or Dare TWO


In which Mrs. Linklater never ceases to be entertained by men on the internet.

Instant messages from the last couple of weeks:

HIM: Hi, how would you like to have dinner with me when I'm in Chicago?
ME: Can I wear my hiking boots?


The guy owns a hardware store out west and he's coming in for a lawn and garden convention. I don't know him at all. But who wouldn't jump at the chance to meet a man in such a fascinating line of work?

More than once he offers me the chance to have a fancy meal with him at the restaurant of my choice. A dinner cruise even.  And, he hints, perhaps even more.

ME: But I don't even know you.
HIM: We'll get to know each other. Have drinks first. 
ME: I don't drink.
HIM: Well, we can talk.
ME: How soon before you make your move?  


What is it about the offer of free food that makes a man think you'll want to reciprocate with sex? Before even knowing his name or what he looks like? And his one had nothing to brag about.


HIM: You must have great legs.
ME: Based on what?
HIM:  Based on how pretty your picture is.  
ME: [GROAN] I'm almost six feet tall. How tall are you?
HIM:  I'm five eleven and three quarters. [TRANSLATON: 5'9"]
ME:  You have me at a disadvantage because I don't have a picture of you.
SENDS A PICTURE OF A MIDDLE AGED MAN WITH A PAUNCH AND HAIR THAT LOOKS DYED BLACK.
ME: Oh my!  

I used to think that only good looking guys were willing to swap pictures. But I was wrong, apparently.


HIM:  I'm married and looking for someone to have an occasional get together with.
ME: How soon can you get here?
HIM:  LOL. Really?
ME:  No.

Lots of married guys trolling. With no plans to divorce. Just looking for a freebie.  


HIM  Are you into K9?
ME: I'll bite, what do you mean by K9?
HIM:  I'll send you a video.  It's pretty graphic.
HE SENDS ME A VIDEO THAT IS GRAPHIC IN WAYS I HAVE NEVER IMAGINED. I SHOULD BE MORTIFIED. BUT I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, BECAUSE I'M AMAZED THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS STUFF. OF COURSE, I WATCH IT AGAIN.
ME:  I love dogs.  But this is a usage I hadn't ever considered before.  

There are shoe guys, foot guys, lingerie guys, looking for submissive women guys, all kinds of guys -- AOL is a regular bonfire of vanities and fetishes. And they're not shy about asking if you'll go along.

One guy, who lived a little too close to my neighborhood for comfort, kept IM-ing when he saw me on in the morning. He continually asked if he could take care of me. He wanted to cook, clean, and give me massages. But then he sent his picture [hey, never say never] and I had to tell me him wasn't my type -- I have no problem with bald guys, but I had a problem with that bald guy.


HIM: Hi, 30/M/single. Want to play truth or dare?
ME: Okay, tell me the truth -- have you EVER had a girlfriend?
HIM:  How do you mean girlfriend?
ME:  That's okay, you answered my question.

I am older than all these guys by a minimum of nine years. In one case, by more than thirty years.  They don't even blink.  Because the Mrs. Robinson factor kicks in.

What is the Mrs. Robinson factor?  That any woman who is older would be willing to hook up with a guy as long as he's younger. No wining and dining necessary. No strings. No regrets. No responsibility. I believe the thinking goes like this:  Dustin Hoffman was a geek. I'm a nerd, which is like a geek. Hey, I'm in.


To conclude this week's episode, if you chat for more than five minutes there is one question that always comes up. It is inevitable.

HIM:  Do you have any more pictures? [TRANSLATION: CAN YOU SHOW ME YOUR HOOTERS?]
ME: I have my high school graduation picture.  It's a little dated.
HIM:  LOL, no really.
ME:  No.  Really.

I started saving these IM conversations because no one would believe me otherwise. Now I'm saving them because I can't believe them myself.


16 comments:

memes121 said...

I love your sense of humor. It's fun to have fun with these idiots isn't it. If you get anymore tell us about it, LOL!

salemslot9 said...

I believe you Mrs. L...

sieblonde said...

I believe you too.  Unfortunately.  lol  ~Sie

mosie1944 said...

You're a brave woman to let yourself show on everybody's list.  I usually only show to people on my buddy list, unless I want to have a little fun with certain people; makes them wonder what I'm up to, since 90% of the time I'm hidden.

meforevermore said...

LOL O-M-*-G! lol You can guess what the * replaced lol Men are such pervs lol I swear to god I've gotten some weird ones. lol I think the weirdest was one I think I'll put on my journal because it didn't even make sense to me lol

lol have fun dissing the internet pervs! Dis one for me! lol

~Lily

jevanslink said...

One of the joys of being on a MAC is that the AOL 9.0 software doesn't offer all the perks a PC gets.  And hiding is one of them.  I'm getting good at telling people I'm busy and can't chat.  I also have an IM catcher.  So I can click IGNORE.  More and more I click IGNORE.  Mrs. L

suzypwr said...

Who needs to go out to be entertained any more? You don't even need to get dressed.
xoxo

robbush6 said...

ME: I have my high school graduation picture.  It's a little dated.

Mrs. L, you are delightful. Now show us your tits. Even when I'm in a bad mood, you make me laugh.

gaboatman said...

Mrs. L
These IM's you are saving sound to me like the start of a great humorus book about being single and the internet.  I mean, now that "Sex In The City" is off the air there is a big void and this seems the next logical platform for a sitcom.  First the book, then the TV show.  You write it, I'll be your agent.  Let's do lunch!  Have your people call my people!  <wink>
Sam

bluwave9 said...

Buddy list.  Click on "setup", then click on "preferences".  Click on "privacy", and choose "Block all", and then "view on Buddy List".  Voila!  You are now ghosting, and no one can see you on THEIR list, but you can still see your buddies on YOUR list.

At least this works on AOL for Mac OS X.  Obviously you know how to change your font in your journal which is something I have yet to discover on my Mac.  Good luck!

jevanslink said...

Hey -- I'm invisible!!! Thanks. No more creeps. Of course, there goes my book.  HA!!!  Mrs. L

screaminremo303 said...

IM and chat has become the gathering place for sociopaths. I'm always blocked, since I consider IM the equal of opening the bathroom door when someone is indisposed.

I'm with Robin. I mean, on the bad mood thing.

anthume said...

And I never cease to be entertained by Mrs. Linklater on the Internet. I can't believe those responses and questions! It really argues against the evolution of men.

belfastcowboy75 said...

If you don't stop making fun if my IM's, you're not getting the discount on the Scott's Turfbuilder Cycle Four that we discussed.

lilhoneybee81 said...

hahahahahahaha....i hate the crazy convos and the "crazies" who pop up to you on the internet...the first question I'm asked besides a/s/l is "What size bra do you wear?"  I always exaggerate because it's not like they need to know the truth, right? ;-)
~Amber

mombzbe said...

I learned the hard way that anyone IM'ing with "angel" in their screenname isn't.
So now, "I am away."  Alot.
Anna