Sunday, October 17, 2004

Bits and pieces I learned lying in bed watching early morning television


Jack LaLanne is turning ninety.  He still works out two hours every day. He picks up his wife Elaine and walks around the house with her for no other reason than he can.


At the end of Babe Winkelman’s outdoorsman show, his wife demonstrates her timesaving recipes for what I am convinced is road kill. Ketchup is almost always an ingredient. Don’t look for her on the Food Network anytime soon. Babe himself actually has a book out entitled, I am not making this up, The Family That Hunts Together Stays Together.



Your body has a pH.  If it’s alkaline you don’t get sick. If it’s acidic you can get cancer. But if you take these tongs and stick them where the sun don’t shine you can reverse the cancer and turn it into harmless gas. And blame it on the dog.


Just when you are convinced that Latins and Anglos live in parallel worlds, never to meet [despite the best efforts of Taco Bell], we find a mutual enemy – our shared dismay over “disfuncion sexual” and “impotencia feminina” Leave it to bodily functions or lack thereof to help us find common ground.


Speaking of which, Marc Anthony sings – did you know that? I thought he was an extra in the Jennifer Lopez video “My So-Called Life.” He was on the Spanish VH1 sucking a microphone while performing his hit Te Tengo. I still have a question that I've had for a long time – how did this man with the attractiveness-challenged looks marry a former Miss World AND J-Lo?


There will be yet another breast cancer walk today to help increase awareness of this disease.  It would also help awareness if the pharmaceutical companies, which make birth control pills and hormone replacement, would simply be required to reveal how many women have been diagnosed with breast cancer after being intimidated into taking these products for acne, wrinkles, brittle bones, vaginal dryness, oh, and, even in some instances, birth control. Estrogen is a carcinogen. Why anyone pays money to take it on purpose is a mystery to me.


The HGTV host of three different home makeover shows stops by a local TV station to pimp his appearance in town and play, “Name That Tool.” No, really.


People pay up to $8000 for seminars put on by some guy named Jeff, but YOU can have them in your own home for two payments of $29.95.


Today’s featured doggie is a collie mix named “Champ” who was found wandering near the tracks and taken to the Anti-Cruelty Society. He’s up for adoption. No rush, but if you don’t make that phone call now, our furry friend is food for the fishes.



judithheartsong said...

Oh, you always crack me up......... :):) judi

cneinhorn said...

Jack Lalanne is still around? Wow, I learned something just by stopping by here today Mrs. L!  ;-) *wink*

quroboros said...

I'm so glad you're around to update us on such absurdities!  ¤Holly