Sunday, June 17, 2007

Mrs. Linklater Regrets

There was a wedding I didn't go to last weekend. Two attractive young people who came from perfectly acceptable suburban towns decided it would be idyllic to get married up in the Lake George area of New York on the edge of the Adirondacks. I took one look at the map and realized that the region was accessible only by a five hour drive from Newark airport and took a pass.

Oh sure I could have flown into Albany, that bastion of international travel -- if I'd wanted to cram into one of those "regional" jets and land in a Wal Mart parking lot between two RV's. Or I could have driven up with friends and hoped they stopped a few times so I could pee. But I'd rather be here counting cicada carcasses. 

I must admit I'm a little sorry I missed a rehearsal dinner that promised a twilight boat ride around the lake. And a steak and champagne reception following the wedding that, according to eyewitnesses, lasted until dawn.

However, as lovely as it all sounds on paper, I learned the hard way that food and boating sometimes don't mix well. As for staying up all night at a wedding reception, I haven't done that on purpose since my college roomie got married the first time. The second time she went down the aisle, the reception lasted longer than the marriage,

The best man for the Adirondack nuptials called to run his speech by me. He and the groom are cousins and close as brothers. So he had plenty of material. But I thought he should keep it short, say, under an hour.

After listening to some of his amusing personal anecdotes, the only regret I have about not making an effort to get to the celebration is not being able to give my own special toast to the newlyweds.

To the groom, who just found out during these final hours before the wedding that his new bride won't be taking his last name -- don't forget what I said to you that summer six years ago, when you two lovebirds were first dating and your future bride announced that she had an eating disorder: "You may not want to spend too much money on expensive dinners."  Aren't you glad I gave you such good advice? Now you've saved enough money to have this lovely wedding and delightful reception. Skip enough of those fancy meals she just throws up and you two will be on easy street in no time.

To the bride -- what a lovely young woman you are -- okay, a little personality challenged, but apparently you got good enough scores on your LSAT's to attend a top law school this fall. To you I say, be prepared to make a boatload of money because if you have to live on what the groom is going to make in his chosen career as a bureaucrat in a government job, you can kiss your Manolos good bye. Not that a good pair of sensible shoes is anything to sneeze at, but I think you catch my drift. Oh, and you might want to double the number of times you've been having sex since you started living together. Two times a month is not too much to ask I think.

I'm getting all misty-eyed just imagining the number of late night hook ups that went down at the wedding. Maybe even the bride and groom. I also wonder if anyone's taking bets on how long the marriage is going to last.

I don't think they'll make it till death do us part. Unless one of them parts ways by killing the other. 

Sometimes my cynicism even scares me.


hewasolddog299 said...

While I can certainly understand not wanting to attend a wedding, there's no need to "dis" Albany's airport in the process. Owing to the size of the Legislature and it's fortuitous location enroute to such places as Chicago from Boston, the airport is plenty big enough to handle L1011's and the like. And does, many, many times a day.

Compare Chicago's to Albany:
Airport  City/Name of airport  Pct. flts on time  Pct. flts delayed   Avg load factor   Misery Index ranking (lower is better)

ORD   Chicago: O Hare              57.7   42.3   75.8   46

ALB   Albany, NY: Albany County   70.26   29.7   74.4   46

The same piss-poor "misery factor" applies to both. We both know O'Hare's a bitch -- well, so's Albany! You'd have been right at home, without the soda cans on the lawn...

I have no fiduciary or pecuniary relationship with anyone but my wife, let alone a binch of miserable excuses for airports. I'm jus' sayin'.

Source: US News & World Report

By the way, funny stuff!

screaminremo303 said...

Didn't you hear? Weddings are the new bachelor/bachelorette parties. I hear instead of rice, they throw condoms. It sounds like they should throw some at this couple as well.

A co-worker is getting married next year and wants everyone to come to the wedding/reception. At the Atlantis resort. Sure, it's only about a grand each to do it, right?

She must be out of her fuggin mind.

ksquester said...

Oh, I think you didn't go because your outfit is still hanging on your front door. Anne

easuess said...

No[t much] disrespect...but why'd they invite you again? ;)

jevanslink said...

I was not only invited back for my roommate's second marriage, I was the first person they called when he asked her to marry him.  My thought at the time was, "Wait, didn't you tell me that you could never marry her because you, a surgeon, couldn't afford her lifestyle?"  People always invite witnesses to their executions.

Mrs. L

psychfun said...

Well only 2 times a month would definitely kill me!

Counting dead cicado carcasses...ha! We don't have any around here but the older towns they are deafening! I don't see too many on the ground yet though. My brother got attacked by one driving. Hit his arm that was out the window while he was driving, guts all over his white shirt! ICK!

That would be a nasty trip so not sure if it would be worth all that. You can get the gossip & pictures I'm sure.

You mean no one ended up drunk & in the water? Wow!

swibirun said...

Sex twice a month?  Damn you set high standards.....

Have a great weekend!