For 2013 --
1. I will replace my regular acts of retribution with a random act of kindness
2. I will write the bestselling book people have been asking me to write for years. I'm thinking it should be an original, compelling memoir about my life as a baronness. The opening line will be, "I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills."
3. I will start a foundation to provide polar fleece to the world. And lint rollers to keep the hair off, especially in the armpit area.
4. I will stop complaining about the high price of baked Cheetos.
5. I will figure out how to speak in low, modulated, mellifluous tones, with few, if any swear words to punctuate my conversation. Okay, everything but the swear words.
6. I will re-hab my bathroom and replace my kitchen cabinets all by myself with a little help from Home Depot and my Craftsman tools. And paint the living room. And the garage. After I plant a new garden. Boy, I crack myself up.
7. I will become a vegetarian. As soon as I can give up meat, fish and poultry.
8. I will get a SmartPhone. When you people stop making fun of me for not having one.
There is NOTHING wrong with this phone. Nothing.
10. I will no longer eat food more than two weeks past its expiration date. Same with men.
As I look back on these inspiring thoughts, I suddenly realize these are all doable. But lest I see a triumph of hope and change on the horizon, let me remind myself that failure is far more interesting to write about.