Watch the Skidmarks

Sometimes my life is just poopy pants. Over the weekend, my keyboard got wet. Real wet. When it kept hitting the letter "h" even when I wasn't touching anything, I knew it was fried.

On Monday, when I was in the city, I asked someone if they knew a place close by that sold Apple products. Computers, not fruit. Why yes, try the Micro Center on Elston. So I drove over to the Micro Center which was a mere ten minutes away and not far from the highway home.  How convenient I thought, as I walked into the store, unaware of what was waiting for me.

Looking around, I saw a man and a woman wearing matching outfits, so I assumed they worked for the store and weren't in a singing group. They looked at me and continued talking and doing that stupid flirty giggle stuff that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to someone over fifty.

Oh crap, I have to break up this love nest.

"Excuse me."

Nothing.

"[THROATING CLEARING] Ex-cuuse me."

Nothing.

"EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME!!"

Suddenly they stopped humping each other and pulled apart like taffy. Oh good, they've decided to help me.

"I have a G4 and I need a new keyboard."

"Aisle 23." 

"Would you mind showing me what's available?" [Since that's your job, slacker boy.]

He takes me to an aisle with nothing but black keyboards.

"I want a white keyboard."

He shows me the only white keyboard, but it's ergonomic and I don't like those.

"Is this a keyboard for a MAC?"

He shows me the front of the box which says MAC compatible.

"I don't want a MAC compatible, I want a MAC keyboard. You don't have a MAC keyboard?

He says not to worry they're compatible. 

I knew that by now.

Then he sees another keyboard that is less ergonomic and also white.

"How about this one?"  At this point I trust he is just showing me a keyboard with a different finger configuration.  Since I like it, I take it.

I get it home and take a close look at the front of the box -- for WINDOWS and DOS. This is a PC keyboard. All the way. I can't even plug it into my computer.

@#)($*$%#@)($*~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call an IT guy I know.  He says that the Micro Center store has what I want. "Didn't he take you into the Apple Room?  There is a whole room where all the MAC stuff is -- keyboards, everything."

Now, I'm pissed. 'No he didn't. and I'm home now."

"Is there a Best Buy near you? They should have one."

There's one in my town and yes, they did have a really nice skinny, lightweight MAC keyboard, although I guess technically it's called an APPLE keyboard. Sorry, Mr. Jobs, I made a mistake.

Today I returned the PC keyboard. I drove back downtown to do the deed. I figure I spent more than ten bucks in gas to take it back since I had no plans to go downtown today.

I told the guy at the return desk how I felt. A really stupid sales mope sold me this keyboard for my MAC. It's for a PC. And how come he didn't show me where the Apple Room was in the back? 

"He should have."

"But he didn't. Tell him he's an idiot. He also lost a sale because I found one at Best Buy."

I went out to my car and decided to return some phone calls before leaving. I called someone else I know to ask if there might be an Apple store near my house.  He said yes -- only five miles away. I've been to the Apple Store downtown.  I would have been treated like royalty, because they do that at Apple stores.

After making that call, I went to start my car. Nothing. WTF?

I contacted a friend close by who offered, without any begging on my part, to come over and give me a jump.  [Shut up, Remo. You, too, Chris.]

Only the jumper cables didn't work. The car would start and pretend it was running, then suddenly shut down. Great. We tried again and again. My friend even got in the car, because he's a guy and I'm not. But even that old ploy didn't work.

Now I had to call a flatbed for a $100 ride home to Mr. Moon Lee's auto center.

Forty five minutes later, as I melted in the early afternoon sun, Chi Chi Rodriguez identical twin brother from another mother showed up. Except when he spoke on the phone to his girlfriend, he talked in Arabic, not Puerto Rican. Cosmic. Most of the trip I just pretended I understood his generally terrible English. Boy was he chatty. Nodding and saying Yes a lot helps. I don't think I agreed to do anything I didn't want to.

Mr. Moon Lee said I didn't need to tell him what was wrong, he would figure it out. He probably just didn't want to hear my theories.

So now I'm home, using my slick new keyboard that I just love because it is very thin, very light, very responsive and very cool. I hardly have to press the letters at all. They almost type themselves.

I also got to fill out one of those customer service questionnaires that the cashier at Micro Center stuck in my bag. "How did we do?" 

Not so good. Let me count the ways.

One final poop -- I got home and noticed that the fence lady neighbor is having the most god awful siding put up on her house.

The value of my home just dropped from a buck three eighty to seventy-five cents. The stuff they're using is almost as cheesy as putting up fake brick.

Yep, that fence of mine is coming all the way down. She can buy her own.