Monday, June 27, 2005

Cruise Out of Control

After his recent leaps onto the furniture of not one, but two different talk shows, Tom Cruise has been diagnosed as suffering from a manic phase of bipolar disorder. His rambling, incoherent babbling about the dazed and confused actress Katie Holmes has left his many fans shaking their heads.

However, since his association with the Church of Scientology does not permit him to acknowledge the existence of psychiatric problems -- "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do!" -- he will continue to run around like a chicken with its head cut off until someone finally grabs him by the shoulders and says, "Yo, Tom, you're nuts." 

Sources have reported that Cruise recently climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower intending to impress Ms. Holmes by jumping off, but two gendarmes were able to wrestle him to the ground before the crazed action hero was able to execute his plan.

Quick thinking by his publicist turned a public relations nightmare into a charming and romantic proposal of marriage to Ms Holmes, which most assume is just another publicity stunt to promote his new movie, War of the Worlds, premiering tonight in LA. 

The indefatigable Cruise, whose extensive background in medicine allows him to prescribe vitamins and exercise to eradicate depression, anxiety, paranoia, schizophrenia, phobias, psychoses, neuroses, alcoholism, same sex attraction, and bad breath will soon launch his first line of chocolates. According to the marketing director for the tasty morsels, "Endorphins are nature's way of making you think you feel better than you do and there's nothing like chocolate to stimulate their production." 

This recent episode of mania should last only another two weeks or so, and then we can all get some rest.  Sheesh.

 

14 comments:

swmpgrly said...

I cant stand it anymore! He needs some meds himself.  I think hes hanging on a thin piece of used dental floss.

emmapeeldallas said...

I've been telling everyone he's manic! LOL!

suzypwr said...

It sure does look like a manic stage! Maybe he will have a nice, quiet crash.
xoxo

swibirun said...

I would be willing to bet he got his psychiatry phd from the same school as that "priest" who chained a nun to a cross with a sock stuffed in her mouth for three days (when she died) because she was having symptoms of schizophrenia.

Chris
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/Inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/MyJournalJarSaturdaySixetcanswer

domesticatedchic said...

LMAO* love it! I would say I agree.. :) Mel

http://journals.aol.com/domesticatedchic/SomethingLikeLifePartDeux

shaz19743 said...

Mrs L once again you are spot on ! Ive thought this about Tom ever since i seen him do an interview on Parkinson a couple of years ago ....the guy looked like he was suffering from A.D.D , he was all over the place !
Incidently wandered over to Brooke Sheilds fansite whom he slated recently and found this comment .....seems he fits the bill !http://stipko.net/eve/ubb.x/a/tpc/f/509607936/m/2401043621/r/2401043621

judithheartsong said...

aaahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaaaaa! From all of us I say: "Thank you for going there" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:):):):)
wildly clapping
judi

robbush6 said...

Yeah, I was just thinking, "Maybe we just need to stimulate the endorphin production in couch jumpers and tower climbers the world over with some Tom Cruise fine chocolates." Viva la France!

mombzbe said...

Yeah, that boy has gone over the deep end...why won't he stay down?  lol
Anna

onestrangecat said...

I knew that Cruise was off his rocker but never thought he could be in a mania phase of bipolar.  Sounds like you could be right.  I so hope that Katie knows she is being used.

Kathy

sunnyside46 said...

I see him in a whole different light now
Marti

gena0310 said...

Now that is too funny!  I would think that I could have recognized that considering I too am bipolar, brother.

debbted said...

Oh I loved this so much!!! Please, please stop by to see what I wrote on this subject! ;-) Sassy

http://journals.aol.com/debbted/SassysSecondWord

miriclemike said...

when he admits he is gay maybe that will calm him down.  He should before it wrecks his career like ricky martin's after the barbara walters special.