Friday, November 11, 2005

Ask Mrs. Linklater Lap Dance Edition

Prudence is Ann Landers' daughter. Apparently advice columnists don't fall too far from the tree. Based on her advice, Mrs. Linklater can confirm that Prudence is out of her tree.

Published November 10, 2005 SLATE online

Dear Prudence,
My husband recently informed me that his friend is having a bachelor party in Vegas on our first wedding anniversary. He asked me to come along, but I feel infuriated and cannot believe he would even consider asking me to do this. I think it is inconsiderate. I feel our first wedding anniversary should be celebrated and honored—alone together—not with a bunch of drunken guys in Las Vegas. Am I wrong to be angry? I know he will say that we spend every minute together so why should it matter that we are not celebrating our first anniversary alone together? I feel his doing this, along with some past actions (looking at girls on the Internet and on dating services) are huge red flags that I am not letting sink in. I need advice on what I should do, and what you think he is doing. I don't want to overreact.
—Wedding Belle Blues

Dear Wed,
What a guy ... so romantic and sentimental. But given that this is his idea of fun, accept the  invitation and go to Vegas. It will shock his sox off. It is a getaway and may, in fact, turn out to be a romantic trip after all. Granted, this is a counterintuitive move, but your "permission" to attend his buddy's party will give you good-sport points forever. Such a gesture on your part seems wiser than raising hell about his wanting to go—since you already know that's what he wants. And Prudie wonders about a guy married only a year who is looking at dating sites. You might want to discuss this with him, and ask him why. As to what Prudie thinks he is doing, she has no idea, but does suggest you monitor the situation. He sounds immature, at the very least.
—Prudie, alertly

Mrs. Linklater climbs on stage. Oh Prudie, hold my tassels will ya? They get in the way when I'm giving advice.

What's with the good sports points? For what? Hooker heels? Lap dances? Marriage isn't about keeping score. Although that romantic hubba bubba sounds like he wants to score with anyone but his wifey poo. Come on, Prudence, wake up and smell the urinal cakes, he is counting on her to bail on his invite.

Besides, do you really think his bachelor buddy will let any woman that resembles a wife near a single one of their all guy parties? No way a female is getting into those slimy soirees unless she's coming out of a cake or sliding down a pole.

So Miss First -- and it sounds like her Last -- Anniversary should just give her loved one a kiss and send him on his way. 

Tell him with a smile that she knows what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Oh, and by the way, Sweetums, if you go to Vegas, stay in Vegas. Because this is no longer your home.

That ought to shock more than his socks off.

Okay, you can return Mrs. Linklater's tassels, now. They just started playing her song.



meforevermore said...

::shakes head:: Wow... are women REALLY this stupid? DATING SITES??? HELLOOOO!!!!


Mrs. L I give you full permission to beat the hell out of me if I ever get that stupid.


mombzbe said...

"tell him...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...and if you go to Vegas, stay in Vegas"  LOL
Prudie needs to check the playbook.  "Good sports points" are awarded only when he's being a good sport too.  Like taking out the garbage without being told.  Leaving the seat down.  Folding laundry.  And not corresponding with the internet honeys he's looking at.  

Tell me, Mrs L, how DO you get the tassels to swing in opposite directions at the same time?  

sdoscher458 said...

Boy you got that right!  Common sense is not showing in the Landers family. year of marriage and he's looking elsewhere...what happens at the
"seven year itch"?  Sandi

onmiownnow2 said...

OH MY GOD!  (plain OMG wasn't strong enough!)  I can hardly catch my breath I am laughing so hard!  You are too funny!  Maybe you should post a warning on your site like they do at the entrances of amusement rides.  'Do not read if you have a heart condition, are prone to dizziness, or have any chronic condition including stupidity, prudism, or Vulvi Envy.  If you suffer with a very active and wild imagination this Site may be WAY too much for you to handle.  RUN to the nearest exit.  Management is not responsible for any medical mishaps resulting from over enjoyment of this site.  You must be this tall to ride (insert a pic of Albert in his fuzzy alligator suit pointing to his snout to indictae the height requirement)'
I only wish I had discovered your tassles before I wrote my entry this morning.  It would have made a nice touch!  Lisa

thelovetrain said...

The Train, dances on more than just Tupperware party tables...

Have her hit me on the hip, while hubbypoo's behaving himself in Vegas. If she tells me she loves me, she won't even remember his name.

Beauty, brains, and intuition; that's three things that I adore about you, kitten.

... Make it four. I dig your tassels, too. [:P]

~Smooches, Brian @---->---

ally123130585918 said...

Mrs L you definitely are improving with age---This made me laugh so much my ribcage hurts......Ally

judithheartsong said...

the title alone was worth the visit. And about the advice? Dead-on as always Mrs. L. :):):):) judi

screaminremo303 said...

I think the operative phrase at play is "past actions." If numbnutz was trolling the 'net before the Nut-ectomy ceremony, she should get back to cleaning the toilets like a good little girl. If, however, married-moron is skulking around online where no one can see his wedding band, he deserves what he gets.

Besides, only newly-married guys try that reverse-Jedi stuff anymore. Let's see...if I ask her to come to Las Vegas she'll decline and be pissed. If I go to Las Vegas on our anniversary she'll be pissed. There's only one way out of this one and it's not going to be cheap.

Women are rendered with amnesia at the sight of big, shiny rocks.

swibirun said...

My response would have been one word......DUH.

If you have to write to someone for advice like this in the first place, I am amazed that you even know how to address a freakin' envelope and get the stamp to stick.  What a loser.

Great words of advice, Mrs. L, as always, you rock!!!!!


ksquester said...

Oh my, and what lovely tassels you have!   Anne

onemoretina said...

Their FIRST anniversary ?  My advice ...  Let the bum go, and then change the locks.  But not before depositing his belongings on the front lawn.  Why throw any more good years after bad ?  Tina

ber144 said...

I wouldn't dream of adding anything more to your advice, which is perfect.  But tell me this, what is it with "pruddie" and her annoying habit of using adverbs as part of her closing signature?  Kind of makes me wonder what exactly is swimming around the Landers' gene pool.  Jim, nauseatingly...  

misscarberry said...

Shake it Mrs L!!!!
Love Sam xXx

psychfun said...

Ha! Ya I say he can celebrate his 1st anniversary divorced! I say she should jump out of the cake at the bachelor party in the next room & let him watch! HA! He is scum! Why did she marry him in the first place?

bluwave9 said...

Oh, Mrs. L, your deadpan delivery always is always right on!  I always love reading your advice "editions", but you know that already :)


easuess said...

You should be syndicated!

sunnyside46 said...

good advice
now, get those tassels goin

robbush6 said...

Oh, no. You're doing that thing again. Not the lapdance. Talking about yourself in the third person. We have become carricatures of our own selves. I hate when that happens.

Remo's right. The only way out is jewelry.