Monday, November 14, 2005


For years, my friends have been telling me to write a book. Usually they say something like that after I've told them about the latest wreck I've made of my love life or, more often, lack of a love life. If some guy isn't gumming things up, as it were, there's always my family, my career, my health, or my wardrobe. Nothing is exempt from my screw ups and therefore, my friends' entertainment.

Part of me wonders if my friends think I've been doing the things I do and living the life I've lived, just so I have something to talk about at the end of it all. I guess that's the upside. The downside is I don't know how much more time I have to put pen to paper. Or fingers to keyboard. I probably shouldn't wait too long to get started. I would hate to write a great opening paragraph and croak.
But that's the risk I'm taking now, the longer I wait to write whatever it is I'm going to write. It's not for lack of motivation. I am motivated to do this. Heaven knows if I live long enough people are going to expect me to retire. And having a book to peddle from my shopping cart will help defray the cost of cat food.

But I don't know what to write about. I ask my friends and they say things like "Write what you know." Easy for them to say.

What do I know? I know I can't write a novel. I haven't got the patience, perseverance or the organizational skills, not to mention the imagination to create an interesting plot. 

"Write a romance." There is no more ironic word in my life right now. I'll leave the heaving breastesses to women who believe that some guy looking like Fabio is actually going to sweep them up and take them away from all this. Wait till they find out he's gay.

Memoirs are a hot new genre lately. I actually thought about trying to write a memoir, but the good ones are really juicy and my white girl suburban existence is so not on anybody's radar. Tell us, Mrs. Linklater, how did you survive having a cleaning lady just one day a week?

Also one of my kids has already asked me not use her name, likeness, or anything she says to me in my journal. So I have been wondering how to mention her without mentioning her, given those parameters.

There's always How-To books. I wonder if there is a How to Write a How-To book? There must be. Everything's been written about ad nauseum. Except for books about relationships. You can't kill relationships. I know. I have tried. But there are 356,455 million books on relationships hoping to get on Oprah.  I don't need to be number 356,456.    

As for other How-To subjects, my style is less Mrs. Fix-It and more Mrs. Mess-it-Up-But-Good. How to offend anyone in a heartbeat would be perfect for my personality type. But ever since we've embraced diversity, being offensive is just so offensive these days. 

There's always a slot available on the how to look young and stay young forever shelf. Lately they've been telling us that forty is the new thirty, fifty is the new forty. And I can vouch for the fact that sixty-two is the new 57.  

I wonder if anyone would believe that living alone is the new married? 

I'm at a loss here. Perhaps some of you would have some ideas I could, uh, borrow, to get me on the path to writing this book I have to write before I die. That's the last thing I have left to do. I've done everything else. Okay, not that. But first, maybe the book should have a title. So help me with that. You can worry about the rest later. I mean, I can worry about the rest later.    



mosie1944 said...

What better title than that sign to the left, on your journal:  "Kickin' Ass and Takin' Names".

ladeeoftheworld said...

I have a psychiatrist friend.  His wife writes Harlequin Romances for a living, he admitted one day.  It takes about 30 minutes to write one, he explained.  Just an!

robbush6 said...

They're also saying that brown is the new black.  As if.

While we're busy writing your book, what are you going to be doing?

How's this for a title: "How I Get People To Do Stuff For Me."

thelovetrain said...

"Croak"? That's MY word, a soon to be, 'happening'. You needed my permission to use it, and now must enjoy the red-bottom consequences.

Oprah's Angel Network, my ass. Thanks for reminding me WHY I don't watch TV, and haven't for six months. How can one not be "offensive" and write a journal or book? All that's needed to accomplish that, is to be genuine or tell a joke among the hoards of elitists, organized religious, haywire sensitives, and obscured anti-depressed. Then too, I've met some highly exceptional exceptions, around J-Land... I say, have some cream. Leave the skim-milk for the lightweights.

I bought the "new married". It suits me Heavenly, until and if I ever find the sincere and meaningful old.

Title? How about, 'Finally, for REAL'? I'm a witness to your progression, and me likey lots.

I think this has been my favorite entry of yours, Mrs. Linklater (not that I've read them all). You're not getting older, baby. You're getting better.

~Yummy white girl smooches, Brian @---->---

thelovetrain said...

You edit, as much as I do. (laughs...)

hewasolddog299 said...

"Motivational Malarkey And Other Memes"

thelovetrain said...

That's what I get for prematurely opening my big keyboard... I went and briefly looked into Oprah's Angel Network, and it appears special 'enough'. Though, I saw no curse words on the sites, and they look highly financially sparkly.

That 'A' word stops me in my tracks every time, when it's connected with money.  I so readily associate it with what I view as the biggest legalized crime racket in America; 'organized religion'.

Also, writing from a personal experience standpoint; I've short-term dated a few ebony women, and can attest; they can raise HELL, as well or better than the rest.

Oprah, Angels, organized religion, and Hell? -- I'll remain myself.

~Yours truly, my sweetness... Brian @---->---

screaminremo303 said...

"Everything...except THAT"  sounds good to me.

They'll never know it's a cookbook.

ally123130585918 said...

"I can worry about the rest Later"  That's the title to go for....You Rest and we can worry about writing your book - Your Love life or lack of it - your Health - your wardrobe - your screw ups - We know so much  about you Mrs L....You can depend on us to give you "That Best Seller" so the Cat can eat Salmon every day.

bosoxblue6993w said...

does your memoir have trumpets?    if it doesn't ...


as for the content ... make shit up.

jevanslink said...

I don't share no f**king cat food with any cat.  Mrs. L

onemoretina said...

     How's about this one: ' The Stuff You Won't Read In My Christmas Letter "     Tina

sunnyside46 said...

Mrs Linklater's Guide to LIfe?

psychfun said...

"And Who Ask For Your Opinion...ME!" :-)