It's nice to know I'm not alone. Here's a guy who has taken the time to classify baristas. Link to the DC Bachelor's blog:
THE SEVEN TYPES OF STARBUCKS BARISTAS
baristas seem to fit a universal pattern. Aged between eighteen to
twenty-six, they can be placed in one of the following seven categories:
1. The A/V Geek. These
baristas were in the control room during all their high school plays
because they didn’t like the spotlight — and even if they did, the
spotlight wouldn’t have liked like them. Their fake-nice customer
service is less believable than the last stripper who told me she liked
me for my personality. You can see hate in their eyes as they make your
double foam latte - against you, the world, and themselves.
2. The Club Kid. This
guy thinks working at Starbucks doesn’t bring his cool factor down a
notch — in fact he thinks being a barista is so counterculture that he
brags about it to the girls he meets. He often brings in his annoying
friends and hooks them up with femininely colored frappuccino (they get
kicked out of the mall so often that there is nowhere else for them to
really go). Because The Club Kid is vain, you often see him in actual
club gear, with hair gel’d back and seashell bracelet clacking away as
he extra hot’s your drink.
3. The Homely Woman.
She is cheery, nice and generally welcomes human interaction.
Unfortunately, the homely woman is very unattractive, doomed to nightly
“Tired of all the games” postings on Craigslist personals.
4. The Hipster. For a
guy that hates corporations, it sure is ironic to see him working for
the one company that has played the only major role in the
McDonaldsification of coffee. You’ll often here him say, “I work there
for the health benefits,” like he’s doing Starbucks a favor. Unless you
go to poetry readings and art showings, you are not on his green apron
wearing level. The hipster can also be a girl, who thinks her blue hair
fights social conformity. She’s too slow to realize that responding to
culture in any way is still conformity.
5. The Transient.
Usually male, short, and overflowing with awkward facial hair, this guy
is anti-social and doesn’t fit into the Starbucks model of
friendliness. He often leaves within 3 months, never to be seen again.
No one notices - not even his friends.
6. The Loser Dick.
Failing miserably on the comedy circuit, this barista thinks you want
to hear his unfunny, cocky statements. Dude, you work at Starbucks,
just ring up my seven layer bar and shut up. He uses Starbucks
customers as an audience for when he will make it someday, replacing
the stuffed animal audience at home when he goes through another round
of being an actor (i.e. unemployment).
7. The Hot Girl.
Chances are you will see a three-legged dog before you catch a hot girl
barista, but she does make [rare] appearances. She drives up sales and
tips of a particular location due to lonely guys who use Starbucks as
their only social outlet, but she never dates a customer because she
can not respect a guy who spends $4 a day on coffee. Instead she goes
out with the studly jock who picks her up after work in his jeep,
equipped with extra big wheels for cul-de-sac offroading.
This list covers 95% of coffee addicted baristas, whose palpating hearts beg for mercy every day.