Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Baked not Fried

I could eat a bag of Cheetos a day. The full fat ones. The bags that allegedly contain four to six servings but true aficionadas, such as myself, only count as one. But I don't succumb to the siren song of extra crunchy anymore. Somehow I have managed to maintain my restraint, unlike my lack of restraint when an attack of Reisen's chocolates hits. 

Because several months ago I discovered the baked version of Cheetos. Oh thank you thank you Frito Lay. I've only seen them in the small bags so my addiction is still under control, but it could escalate, since they have less than half the fat, fewer calories, not quite so much salt, and none of the guilt. They are my treat at lunchtime. My reward for eschewing Hostess Ho Ho's for dessert. I love that the word "chew" is embedded in eschew. Don't ask me to say it out loud. That's one of the words I never use in conversation, I only write in sentences. 

Yesterday something happened. Eating in the car, as I am wont to do, I reached into the bag in that absent minded way of people who would eat cat litter if it were cheese flavored, and assumed I had put a Baked Cheeto into my mouth. Only it wasn't. It was a glob of the cheese flavoring which had collected itself into a wad of concentrated ptui.

Apparently some of the stuff got into the bag without any supervision. Without being properly attached to a Cheeto. The only way to describe the taste and texture of that moment is to imagine a dust fuzzy coated in cheese. And covered with a whole shaker of salt.

I was driving. I needed to spit the cheese ball out. But I don't have a toilet in the car, all appearances to the contrary. And I didn't have a tissue close by. There was a box somewhere in the back, but I stopped climbing in the rear seat while driving a long time ago.  So I swallowed it. 

Now, ever since, I have felt compelled to finish bottle after bottle of Snapple tea. I've emptied all the half filled containers of water in the car. And I almost drank from the toilet in the middle of the night.

Next time I will shake the bag and squeeze the bottom to prevent another unfortunate incident. Epecially the thirst in the middle of the night problem. But there's a larger issue I have to deal with now. I can no longer reach into a bag of Baked Cheetos with the confidence of someone who knows what they're getting. Ah, the loss of innocence.


screaminremo303 said...

I always wondered where dingleberries came from. Now I now they come from Frito-Lay.

mosie1944 said...

Call the 800 number on the bag and tell them what happened.  They'll send you coupons for a free bag or two.  Years ago my daughter and I were on the road and got some Cheesy Ruffles, and they weren't cheesy enough.  We called and complained, they sent coupons.  LOL.

lanurseprn said...

You are so funny!

ladeeoftheworld said...

There's a low fat, hi protein, cheese flavored, soy puff on the market these days.  So what if it makes you gag a little.

suzypwr said...

My daughter eats those things once a month. In great volume. I don't get it - I am a sugar nut. She eats cheesy crunchy things.

Eww, all that salt and cheese would make me want to drink out of the toilet to make it go away too! I hope everything, uhm, passes OK.


rebuketheworld said...

LMAO........that has happened to it the worst....Oh its like when I eat sunflower seeds which I eat the seed too..but you always get a yuck one doing it my those baked chips?......yuck...bring on the fattening ones...Your story made me laugh...I needed that tonight..thanks -Raven

cberes1 said...

I love this.  You are wayyyy toooooo funny girl.  I used to think cheetos werent' fattening because they are just puffed air covered in cheese flavored powder, but alas, that is not the case.  Now I eat bags of whole grain pita chips instead, and have gained 20 lbs in the process.   It was great seeing you in person the other night.  

mombzbe said...

At the risk of sounding like Ms Granola 2006, I have to say you should try the cheese puffs at Trader Joes.  They're reduced fat, and quite good.  Two out of four kids give them huge thumbs up---if they are along when I buy them, the bag is opened the minute we are in the car.  And the bag is CLEAR, so no cheese-lint-ball surprise.
Be sure to get a pound-plus chocolate bar there too, as a's a killer. :p