Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Lance Dance

Somebody left a seriously wrecked $400,000 Lamborghini by the side of the highway the other night. That was after it first hit a concrete abutment and left several yards of tread marks leading up to the point of impact.

Apparently whoever was driving didn't think anyone would notice a car wreck so they just left the crumpled heap where it was and went home. I know that's what I would do. Maybe with a note on the windshield. Who wants to bother the cops in the middle of the night?

Turns out the vehicle is registered to Lance Briggs, one of the Chicago Bears. But even though the car is technically his, was he the person driving when it crashed?

Gee, let me think about this. One scenario would be that he lent one of the most expensive automobiles in the entire world to a friend who had been clubbing with him all night long. The other scenario would be -- not.

Do you think it possible that the driving skills of a self indulgent, overpaid, pampered professional athlete might have been impaired by alcohol so he abandoned his car because he was trying to cover his ass?

Speaking of ass, do you think Senator Larry Craig is gay or was he just asking for more toilet paper?

We may never know the truth. At least we'll never hear it from those guys. Nevertheless, there was a mystery and inquiring minds wanted to know, so reporters began calling Lance's house, but they had to settle for his voicemail while he slept it off.

Apparently, it turns out one of the first things Lance did following the accident was what any responsible citizen would do: he reported his car stolen. Soon after, visions of Michael Vick began dancing in his head, so, following practice the next afternoon, he claimed that he called right back and fessed up to being behind the wheel himself. From time to time the rusty wheels of integrity get greased.

He got ticketed for a bunch of traffic related things, including leaving the scene and improper lane change, but there were no charges for the one thing that might have messed with his seven million dollar franchise player paycheck, given the new commissioner's zero tolerance policies.

Lance Briggs managed to avoid being labeled stupid and shitfaced on the road.

His legion of fans are no doubt relieved.

3 comments:

mosie1944 said...

Well, you've done it again:  made me stifle my laughter so as not to awaken Cliff.

screaminremo303 said...

It's a good thing he dosn't live in your village. The Cops would have just let themselves in on a welfare check to make sure he wasn't dead from the wreck. Another fine U of A athlete.

rgossett4195 said...

my favorite part was when Lovie got all pissy when one of the news guys asked him if Lance had been drinking...duh!  rose