Thursday, July 31, 2008

Flushing Meadows

I bet you didn't know there is a kickass toilet invented by a Japanese company called Toto. This toilet is to flushing what the atom bomb was to WWII.

Wasn't there some ferocious Japanese military leader named Toto? Or am I thinking of Judy Garland's dog in The Wizard of Oz? 

Regardless, remember the name, Toto, because once you've used a Toto toilet, nothing else comes close.

Ever since environmentalists turned the act of flushing into an act of political correctness, I have longed for days gone by, when I didn't have to think twice about going to the bathroom.

It started with putting a brick into the huge tanks we used to have. Supposedly water is now at a premium so it's the job of every good American to use less water to flush. NOTE TO IOWA: See what happens when you all flush at once?

Every day I am reminded of how much I miss the old fashioned toilets. The ones that had enough tank water to launch an ICBM.

Using the bathroom was something I always took for granted. It was a place to perform a bodily function without giving it a second thought.

Not any more. Now I have to wait to make sure I don't need a second, or horrors, a third flush. How ironic that since we've legislated to downsize our toilet tanks in some misguided effort to save water, we've simultaneously become the most fat-assed nation on earth. You do the math.

Since I "upgraded" my bathroom toilet to its modern configuration, i.e., not enough tank water to remove lint -- I think I've used twice as much water as I ever did before. Up to four times as much after anything with jalapeno peppers.

With a few exceptions, one flush just can't get the job done. I  can't count the times I've spent staring down at the bowl in wide-eyed wonder. I wonder if a second flush will take care of everything. I wonder if I will have to clean the toilet once more today. I wonder if I can ever use two ply teepee again?

And then, at a friends' house, I used a Toto toilet for the first time. I'll admit I was leary. There was the telltale tiny new tank and not very much water in the toilet bowl. I might be stuck in the john for awhile. Gingerly I pressed the lever.

KA-POW!!! Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. The Toto was totally awesome. Everything was gone in ONE SECOND!!!!Jet-propelled to another universe. And ready to go again in a heartbeat.

Stunned, I flushed it again. Just for fun. Never has so much power been generated by so little water.

I raved to my friends. "That's quite a toilet!!" 

"Yes. We saw a demonstration where it flushed thirteen ping pong balls at one time."

I could figure out what that meant on my own.

Yesterday I found an article about the latest Toto toilets. They come with heated seats if you want them. They have fans with air fresheners for odor control. They have automatic bidets if you want them. They also come with a remote control. So you can go to the bathroom from another room I suppose.

Yes, for a mere $5000 the Toto with all those extras can be yours. But if you don't need your butt heated or any of those other bells and whistles, you can get the basic version that can send thirteen ping pong balls to kingdom come for only $500 or so.

So the next time you find yourself worrying as you watch the toilet flush, remember the Toto. You'll never look back again


ksquester said...

Toto should pay you for the endorsement. I just had two toto's installed at my Arizona house. May I also ad that if you are a man all you need to do is to gently touch the seat and it automatically goes down.  Some people buy grave plots, I bought a toto or two!   Anne

suzypwr said...

I want one! I don't need bells and whistles, I just don't want to have to cringe every time I flush. Is there a portable model?

swibirun said...

I am not going to stand here and listen to your potty mouth, young lady.