A new minority has emerged in the search for a nominee to replace retiring justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
John G. Roberts was introduced to
America last night by the president in a shameless attempt to appeal to
an emerging minority, the white guy with a circular bald spot on the
back of his head.
Roberts' white guy credentials go
way back to his childhood in Indiana, where he lived with his white
family in a white neighborhood in a whitebread town in the
predominantly white state, where, in the interest of full disclosure,
white guys in hoods got their start.
A graduate of the whitest of the
white schools in America, Harvard College, Roberts continued his white
ways by graduating from Harvard Law School too. His minority
status was only recently confirmed when a camera got a good shot of the
back of his head during last night's introduction ceremonies.
"It's about the size of an English
muffin," said one observer, who asked to remain anonymous for reasons
of personal security. "It's not like he's trying to hide it, you
know," said his former high school health teacher who remembers Roberts
as a "good kid, even though he came from a white neighborhood."
Much has been made about Roberts
marrying a white woman, but that should not have any effect on his
confirmation hearings. On the other hand, his noticeable bald spot will
no doubt galvanize both sides of the aisle.
Meanwhile, in a move that can only
be described as completely wacked, the defense attorneys for the
hot 24 year old teacher who is on trial for having sex with one of her
teenaged students argued that she is "too sexy" to go to prison. The
trial judge, in an unexpected move, said "Awwww, shit happens, doesn't
it?" before adjourning for the day.