Wednesday, March 31, 2010

As a pubic service. . .

I've been working on an entry entitled, "Dear Sandy." Yes, I actually thought I should warn Sandra Bullock that she would be making a mistake to marry Jesse James. After the fact, of course, when you can always be right. 
     I even made up a list she could tape to her wrist and refer to, like an NFL quarterback. You know, for those times when she might be all naked and forgetful like people get, when they're blinded by body art and surprisingly huge naughty bits they've never seen before.
     Originally I wanted to give her the list when I first heard she was dating the guy, but she never calls, she never writes. So it languished in my Jeep's console under the hot cocoa lids, until it showed up unexpectedly, stuck to the back of the 2005 NCAA bracket I was filling out. Speaking of which, you ought to see my Sweet 16 picks. 
     Since "Better late than never" has always been a mantra of mine, the others being "Touch me and you die," and "WTF!!" you will find my helpful list at the end of this post, even though Sandy will no doubt move on with her life and just ignore it. 
     My real concern is that after having a taste of tattooed biker, some women never like plain vanilla or chocolate again. Which means we might have to watch her strolling down the red carpet with the likes of this guy when she's nominated for her next Oscar:


Meanwhile, let's not keep you in suspense any longer.  
     The Five Reasons Not To Marry Jesse James, by Mrs. Linklater: 
1. Never marry someone who's a better actor than you are. I know, you're surprised by this one, the very first no-no. But did you catch the quivering lip and the alligator tear-filled eyes of that lying sack of shinola? Sandra's onstage making the Oscar speech of her life, thanking him for having her back, when he's already been riding bareback for a couple of years with other women. Playing Bronco Billy on his office casting couch when she's not around. 
2. Never marry a guy who's had children with more than one woman. Two words: Carpool nightmares. 
3. Never marry a guy whose second wife is a porn star. First wife is usually just for practice anyway. Second wife, he's obviously not content with the blow up doll and the internet, he thinks it's okay to have his porn walking around the house live, and in person. Not good with kiddies on the couch watching the Disney Channel. 
4. Never marry anyone whose private parts are reputed to exceed the Guinness Book of Records. Unless isolated on a deserted island, these guys have a tendency to allow any and all women a chance to shine the shrine. As long as they're tall enough for the ride. The real problem is that ordinary schmoes admire guys like Jesse for the hugeness of their manhoods. Like they have anything to do with making it that way. Hey, look how big! I must be entitled!! 
5. Never marry a tattooed biker. Seriously. This one is so obvious, it makes anybody's don't list. Anybody who hasn't done five to fifteen for felony possession. Not that there's anything wrong with tattoos or bikers. Just not together. That's the conjugal combo from hell. Oh, sure go have your fun. But be home by dark. And do not ever confuse a guy who looks like this with a loving family man and husband. 

6 comments:

Melissa said...

Very good advice, indeed! I feel so sorry for her.

Donna said...

You make me thankful that my husband is a plain vanilla biker with no tattoos.
You know, Mrs. L, you really COULD make a living blogging if you had to.

EmcogNEATO! said...

Does he get any points for that Celebrity Apprentice stint?

IT IS ALLY said...

I'm a fan of making the list right at the start of the relationship.

And then, when he leaves for Las Vegas on the Hooker Express (there totally is one) you can pull out your list and go, "Huh. He always did have bad teeth. And that thing! That thing he did with his fork! Oh God the hookers can have him."

Remo said...

They have a Hooker Express?

Chris said...

Hilarious stuff! That whole relationship seemed weird to me from the start but different strokes for different folks.

Or in the case of Mr. James, different strokes FROM different folks.