Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Red and The Black

Time to reload the uniform karma machine for the Super Bowl.
          To review the rules for those of you not familiar with Mrs. Linklater's tendency to make broad, sweeping generalizations -- red or black uniforms win the uniform mojo and therefore the game. More times than not.
          All white is almost always a dead bang loser uniform and must be avoided at all costs. However, even if you get stuck with the white travel jersey -- figure out a way to get some red or black mojo working. Accessorize!!! Add a little silver or gold. What do you think helmets, shoes, socks, and wristbands are for! [Think Oregon].
          Unless you're playing against a green uniform. Then white can win. [Unless it's Oregon.] But I mean GREEN green, not almost black like Green Bay wore against Pittsburgh last year. Adding black to the green might have been the best move of the franchise. Compare their almost black Super Bowl jerseys to their uniforms from back in the day -- those Al Gore gag me green and banana yellow outfits. Okay, now they've been relegated to charming, throwback colors. I still rest my case.
          Pittsburgh threw all their chances away for last year's SB title from the moment they stepped on the field. They had a chance to enjoy some monster mojo with their uniforms -- gold and black can generate awesome fear and loathing -- but no-o-o-o-o! They showed up wearing yellow pants with their white jerseys. I mean, really?!! You couldn't wear black pants? With black on black helmets. Maybe gold and black shoes. You gotta do SOMETHING people!! Losers.
          Meanwhile, let's recap the 2012 Division Championships last weekend. San Francisco showed up in their red jerseys against the Giants. Let me remind you once again that red and black uniforms win more games than any other colors. Sports Illustrated said that. Did a study. No, I don't have the article. I'm not a journalist. I'm just opinionated.
          In fact, starting with the wild card games, seven out of eight teams in red or black won their games this year. Or, to phrase it another way -- all the home teams won. Perhaps that was because all the home teams had serious uniform mojo. Except one.
          The 49ers' red jerseys should have meant an easy trip to the next level. But they threw away their chances to win the battle of the game day outfits, when they came out looking pretty much the same as they did all season. Gotta freshen up the look for a big gig, dontcha know. Can't rest on your laurels even when you're the home team. A little silver or gold, something ferocious to make your helmets worth talking about. [Think Oregon again]. But no, you got cocky and settled for same ol' same ol'. Score SF less than zero for not even attempting to generate some style point mojo with a little flash.
          The Giants, for their part, were smart enough not to wear all white uniforms, which would have been the kiss o' death. The fickle finger of failure. It was bad enough they had to deal with traveling team white jerseys. Since SF didn't make much effort and New York avoided looking like the losers they should have been, Mrs. Linklater has decided [after the fact, when she can do no wrong] that there was no winner of the NFC divisional uniform mojo. She calls it a tie.
          Often when that happens, the game is up for grabs. Home team advantage or not.
          And that's the way it was. In the end, nobody won the game. San Francisco lost it.  Blame it on the mojo. Or lack thereof.
          Before that game, Mrs. L was having brunch at a fancy bistro with a carved wood bar, but still had a chance to watch the start of the Ravens/Patriots' game, because they had a tasteful flat screen for patrons who like football with their eggs benedict. She immediately noticed that the Ravens' scored some serious uniform mojo when they came out on the field, smothered in so much black you almost didn't notice their jerseys were white. She was ready to anoint them winners of the game's uniform mojo -- until New England stepped on the field.
          The Patriots'  black jerseys beat New York's white jerseys. Okay, ALMOST black jerseys. Like Green Bay, New England's blue is way blacker than the primary color it used to be. As soon as I saw Tom Brady in his so-close-you-could-call-it-black-jersey, I called the uniforms a draw. Advantage -- no one. Rats. I knew then the Ravens would lose.
          Interesting to note that neither game had a winner as much as both games were lost.
          The Super Bowl is in Indianapolis. I will pick the winner based on uniform mojo. But I can't make the call until they run on the field.  Both teams have almost the same colors. Basically red and blue. A little white. Some silver. I figure whoever works out a way to get the most black into their scheme will win the game. Even though both have red as one of their colors.
          Did I mention, when red plays black, black wins?

1 comment:

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

I'm gonna link this. It's as good an explanation for the Niners lack of offense as any.

V-word = halsisms