Monday, September 26, 2005

Ashton and Demi -- Married or Punk'd?

Okay Demi and Ashton have tied the knot -- cue the frosting on the cake. Mrs. Linklater sees nothing but trouble. Not for them. For every older woman who thinks that forty-something with stretch marks and spider veins is now the new eighteen.

Thanks to botox, facelifts, and boobs only money can buy, the Kutchy Kutchy Koosome look pretty much the same age. In fact, you'd think the lovebirds had gone to high school together.

Owing to the miracle of modern science, the nearly two decade, okay, fifteen year difference between them has been reduced to a New York minute.

Most women in their forties don't have the dough or the makeover team it takes to make that happen.

Mrs. L has also read that the happy couple first hooked up just after Demi's 50,000 mile overhaul at forty. Ashton has confessed that he didn't recognize her when he sat down to chat the night they met.  

Surgery can do that to you.

It shouldn't come as any surprise that the weekend's nuptials came just a heartbeat before Demi's expiration date runs out on her eggs.

You don't think Ashton married just for love do you? You also realize that Demi is probably P.G. already? Or she has a note from her doctor that she can still have babies. An older woman has to pass auditions to marry a younger man and that includes being able to produce offspring. No baby maker, no marriage.

While Mrs.Linklater is happy for this mixed generation couple, she feels compelled to provide a reality check for any women over forty, currently dating much younger men, who think there's hope for a similar outcome to their relationships.

Yo, all you Mrs. Robinsons, you've got two chances of marriage and family with your studly hunk of burning younger love -- SLIM and NONE.

Anything more than five years' difference gets dicey. A ten to fifteen year difference is possible if you can make babies, but don't expect happily ever after. If a guy is more than ten or fifteen years younger and he wants to get married, he might be gay. Especially if he doesn't want to reproduce himself.

The good news about dating younger men is that they are younger men. The bad news is that they are almost always thinking short term; you are probably thinking long term.

Mrs. L worries that older women will now have false hope. Thanks to Ashton and Demi they actually think they have a prayer of enjoying a similar end to their May-December liaisons.

Not in this lifetime, my dears.

Mrs. Linklater has been dating younger men since high school.  Starting out as a senior chick hanging out with the junior boys. The one year difference in her teens became five years in her twenties, twelve years in her thirties, fifteen and seventeen years in her forties -- eighteen years in her fifties, and, well, you get the idea.

Ironically, she married someone one year older. Had two children and divorced him.

Afterward, she tuned down three chances to remarry younger men because she had her own dealbreaker -- no more kids. Unfortunately, they hadn't had kids so they expected her to have their spawn. But she didn't want any more babies. So they moved on. The need to plant their seed was stronger than Mrs. Linklater's recipe for tuna tettrazini and so many other skills.

So what's the big deal about older women?  


Here's the dressed up version: Older women are more confident, independent and sure of themselves. We know what we want and aren't afraid to ask for it. And yes, men appreciate the fact that we don't play games. Probably because we forget things more easily, so why bother.

Reality: Younger men like older, attractive women because they figure it'll be the best sex they ever had. Hog Doggy!!! When it's over, they think they can just leave and nobody will have any regrets. They want the experience and no responsibility.

Also many men who like older women have been seduced in high school or college by a woman in her mid thirties. How does Mrs. Linklater know?  She asks. From that point on older women seem to hold a lifelong fascination for them.

Here's other stuff Mrs. Linklater has learned after all these years:

Younger men are more fun, more open, more experimental, and more concerned about pleasing, probably because older women are too.

If you want to marry one that has never had children, be prepared to have his child.

Exception to this rule -- if you have had a boy, you might be off the hook.

Don't be stupid, do a background check before he moves in. Con men, pedophiles, abusers, etc. all seem pretty normal at first.

If he's more than fifteen years younger, get a GAY-dar detector. Watch for signs of fussiness, like folding a little point on the toilet paper, and vacuuming without being asked. Washing dishes is always okay, however.

Chances are very good that a younger man won't marry you, but he will call for years afterward, even after he gets married to someone else. He may even stop by unannounced to see how wrinkled you're getting and be surprised that you haven't turned into a prune.

Mrs. Linklater says to make sure you deny him privileges, since he had his chance. This may even require napalm if he doesn't get the hint to go away.

Older woman/younger man hook ups are most successful when the party of the first part looks about the same age as the party of the second. Or, if, by some miracle of genetics, he actually looks older.

Usually a younger man  thinks the older woman is a lot younger than she is when they meet. So he doesn't mind when he finds out her real age.

Or if he knows you're older, he's attracted to you anyway. Make sure you're the attraction and not your money, if you have it. 

There's no reason to
lie about your age. If you look good, age doesn't matter.

Well, actually it does. You don't want to become a curiosity for your younger man's friends. Or his mother. She will hate you, by the way, especially if you have kids. Mrs. Linklater met one mom. That was enough.

Meanwhile, where were we? Oh yes, don't smoke, you sound much older, especially on the phone. Your voice is a big part of the attraction. Or not.

Respect the cold light of day.

Nothing pushes the EEEEEWWWWWW button like the sight of a forty something woman, looking like the mother of the bride in a chiffon cocktail dress, dancing on the beach at ten in the morning with a twenty something hunk in dress pants and a t-shirt, both with drinks in their hands.

Mrs. Linklater actually saw this couple in Malibu and watched them with a fascination usually reserved for train wrecks. Hey, get a room!!

Which brings Mrs. L to her final thought -- nobody cares what goes on in private. A worldclass volleyball player she knew continued a long, very clandestine "relationship" with a woman who was old enough to be his mother. And, frankly, looked like it, too.

Meanwhile, as people start laying bets on how long the Demi and Ashton liaison will last, don't forget he is a great kidder.

We may have all been punk'd.


dbp2000 said...

Oh, man.  Am I feeling good about myself now or what??  LOL  Can't wait for the next installment.  I need more reality than what the mirror provides!  
Dust Bunny Protector - 50 year old non-producer

sdoscher458 said...

Good for you. I went from a marriage to someone 13 years older to someone 13 years know what...I prefer younger.  We are together 26 years, and people think he's older than I go figure. No, I've never have had any "work" done, am aging normally I think...just good genes. Yes, we did have a child...but I wanted it even more than he did.  Sandi

meforevermore said...

I'm staying tuned lol


psychfun said...

While I will generally agree, I will say there are plenty of women & men in the world who do not want to have children & are NOT GAY! Also, do remember it is the sex thing. I can speak for me...I now know what 19 yr old men feel like ha! Perfect matech younger men & older women & older men & younger women from a sexuality perspective! Also do not forget there is adoption. Many can get married same age & not be able to have children. I'm not saying this is the case with these two, in fact I thought pg too! Quite frankly, to me Ashton is not that cute! Give me Tom Selleck anyday! :-) I think it is also a power thing for women. To be more in control because you are older vs what some men the same age or older do to women! Young ones are trainable! :-) I guess we'll just have to see I mean look at Ms. Bridget Jones & Mr. Country! Ha!

onemoretina said...

  ....  "No Instructions Needed"      Tina

jevanslink said...

Psychfun -- Yes there are plenty of men and women who don't want children who are not gay.  That wasn't my point.  My point was that an older woman who finds herself planning to marry a much younger man [more than fifteen years] who doesn't want and never had children, should ask herself, "Hmmm, is he gay?"  Because, and this is what I was trying to say -- that age difference plus not wanting children often means just that.

The movie "Stella Gets Her Groove On" or something like that was based on a true story about a woman who married a much younger man.  And now, it turns out he was gay. Their divorce became a cause celebre recently.

Mrs. L


jevanslink said...

Onemoretina -- I'm sure your comment, "No insturctions needed" refers to sex between older women and younger men. No argument here.

The sex is easy. But the problem is that an older woman doesn't understand that after her late forties, sex is probably all she's going to get.  A few months ago I told a very nice woman in her fifties who had spent the past ten months iin love with a guy seventeen years younger that he wasn't going to marry her. In fact he wasn't even going to live with her, especially if she wasn't rich. She said they were different. I said I hope so. She just called recently to say I was right.

Sory to seem so cynical, but most older women are very naive about what to expect from these relationships.  And instruction is needed.

Mrs. L


bluwave9 said...

Mrs. L, you are on the blogathon lately!  Loving every bit of it over here (even "the scary rough draft").  You already have my vote for Lady of the Blog for this year :-)

BTW, I touched a little on your "I want to be a man" entry in my journal.  Caution:  It might make no sense.


judithheartsong said...

is it just me though or is Ashton a little...................................stupid? How good would the sex have to be to have to sit across from him at meals for the next few years while he sticks straws up his nose???????
Just a little ray of sunshine,
ps. you always nail it Mrs. L:):):)

pollysci said...

You said "spawn."  That is the exact verb I substitute for "reproducing" and noun I use for "child."   I knew I liked you.  Now, I must like you more.

At 29, I find that men at my age aren't going older.  They're going much younger.  Perhaps after the 50th time they are asked to buy the beer for a girlfriend's underaged peers, they wise up.  They realize what they've missed...the experiences they haven't gained...and then the pendulum swings the other way.

tara :)

onemoretina said...

    Responding to your comment, You are right on the mark. Sad, isn't it ?  I also think there's a 'gratefulness factor'  involved ... These gals may be independent and such, but they are feeling their age.  And then  Mr.Youngstud comes along and makes a move on them. Well, they feel attractive and youthful and on top of the world!  And .... grateful. So grateful, in fact, that they are gonna lavish this guy with attention like he's never gotten from the younger models.  Simply put , Young guy + Older woman = Spoiled rotten younger guy. ( and one used and abused older gal ). Tina

jckfrstross said...

Interesting you made me think, thanks


screaminremo303 said...

The greatest allure of dating (or hooking-up) with older women? No games. There is a quiet reassurance in dating someone who knows who they are and what they want. The older...oops, more MATURE a woman gets, the closer she comes to thinking like a guy.

I'm taking Bea Arthur fishing next week.

jevanslink said...

I thought Bea was hanging out with Snoop Dog.  Mrs. L

robbush6 said...

Some kids honked and cat-called at me at the little league ball diamond this summer. They only saw me from behind. They looked shocked when they turned around to see they were hooting at their mother.

robbush6 said...

The tuna is THAT good?

Bea Arthur IS a guy.

jevanslink said...

Number one most request guy meal.  Go figure.  Mrs. L

swibirun said...

I am not sure which is a worse omen for this marriage....the age difference or the fact it's a hollywood couple!  

Can we start a divorce pool for $1 each?  I'll take 275 days.


suzypwr said...

You nailed it.

globetrotter2u said...

You're right on. You're also linked.
Ahhh, the voice of experience...

mutualaide said...

Oh Mrs. L!  Thanks for a great ditty -- you hit many nails right on the head! Care to tackle the older male/younger woman relationship?  

jevanslink said...

Sorry.  I have absolutely no interest in dealing with younger woman/older guy relationships. I only dated one guy significantly older than I was. Sixteen years.  I was 26.  He was 42. I lost interest pretty fast.  He married an 18 year old girl. Mostly, guys significantly older bore me. As a matter of fact, guys my own age usually bore me. And, as I'm sure you already know, you devil you, the dynamics are totally different. Mrs. L

sunnyside46 said...

good practical advice;,Mrs.L.