Monday, September 26, 2005
Ashton and Demi -- Married or Punk'd?
Okay Demi and Ashton have tied the knot -- cue the frosting on the cake. Mrs. Linklater sees nothing but trouble. Not for them. For every older woman who thinks that forty-something with stretch marks and spider veins is now the new eighteen.
Thanks to botox, facelifts, and boobs only money can buy, the Kutchy Kutchy Koosome look pretty much the same age. In fact, you'd think the lovebirds had gone to high school together.
Owing to the miracle of modern science, the nearly two decade, okay, fifteen year difference between them has been reduced to a New York minute.
Most women in their forties don't have the dough or the makeover team it takes to make that happen.
Mrs. L has also read that the happy couple first hooked up just after Demi's 50,000 mile overhaul at forty. Ashton has confessed that he didn't recognize her when he sat down to chat the night they met.
Surgery can do that to you.
It shouldn't come as any surprise that the weekend's nuptials came just a heartbeat before Demi's expiration date runs out on her eggs.
You don't think Ashton married just for love do you? You also realize that Demi is probably P.G. already? Or she has a note from her doctor that she can still have babies. An older woman has to pass auditions to marry a younger man and that includes being able to produce offspring. No baby maker, no marriage.
While Mrs.Linklater is happy for this mixed generation couple, she feels compelled to provide a reality check for any women over forty, currently dating much younger men, who think there's hope for a similar outcome to their relationships.
Yo, all you Mrs. Robinsons, you've got two chances of marriage and family with your studly hunk of burning younger love -- SLIM and NONE.
Anything more than five years' difference gets dicey. A ten to fifteen year difference is possible if you can make babies, but don't expect happily ever after. If a guy is more than ten or fifteen years younger and he wants to get married, he might be gay. Especially if he doesn't want to reproduce himself.
The good news about dating younger men is that they are younger men. The bad news is that they are almost always thinking short term; you are probably thinking long term.
Mrs. L worries that older women will now have false hope. Thanks to Ashton and Demi they actually think they have a prayer of enjoying a similar end to their May-December liaisons.
Not in this lifetime, my dears.
Mrs. Linklater has been dating younger men since high school. Starting out as a senior chick hanging out with the junior boys. The one year difference in her teens became five years in her twenties, twelve years in her thirties, fifteen and seventeen years in her forties -- eighteen years in her fifties, and, well, you get the idea.
Ironically, she married someone one year older. Had two children and divorced him.
Afterward, she tuned down three chances to remarry younger men because she had her own dealbreaker -- no more kids. Unfortunately, they hadn't had kids so they expected her to have their spawn. But she didn't want any more babies. So they moved on. The need to plant their seed was stronger than Mrs. Linklater's recipe for tuna tettrazini and so many other skills.
So what's the big deal about older women?
Here's the dressed up version: Older women are more confident, independent and sure of themselves. We know what we want and aren't afraid to ask for it. And yes, men appreciate the fact that we don't play games. Probably because we forget things more easily, so why bother.
Reality: Younger men like older, attractive women because they figure it'll be the best sex they ever had. Hog Doggy!!! When it's over, they think they can just leave and nobody will have any regrets. They want the experience and no responsibility.
Also many men who like older women have been seduced in high school or college by a woman in her mid thirties. How does Mrs. Linklater know? She asks. From that point on older women seem to hold a lifelong fascination for them.
Here's other stuff Mrs. Linklater has learned after all these years:
Younger men are more fun, more open, more experimental, and more concerned about pleasing, probably because older women are too.
If you want to marry one that has never had children, be prepared to have his child.
Exception to this rule -- if you have had a boy, you might be off the hook.
Don't be stupid, do a background check before he moves in. Con men, pedophiles, abusers, etc. all seem pretty normal at first.
If he's more than fifteen years younger, get a GAY-dar detector. Watch for signs of fussiness, like folding a little point on the toilet paper, and vacuuming without being asked. Washing dishes is always okay, however.
Chances are very good that a younger man won't marry you, but he will call for years afterward, even after he gets married to someone else. He may even stop by unannounced to see how wrinkled you're getting and be surprised that you haven't turned into a prune.
Mrs. Linklater says to make sure you deny him privileges, since he had his chance. This may even require napalm if he doesn't get the hint to go away.
Older woman/younger man hook ups are most successful when the party of the first part looks about the same age as the party of the second. Or, if, by some miracle of genetics, he actually looks older.
Usually a younger man thinks the older woman is a lot younger than she is when they meet. So he doesn't mind when he finds out her real age.
Or if he knows you're older, he's attracted to you anyway. Make sure you're the attraction and not your money, if you have it.
There's no reason to lie about your age. If you look good, age doesn't matter.
Well, actually it does. You don't want to become a curiosity for your younger man's friends. Or his mother. She will hate you, by the way, especially if you have kids. Mrs. Linklater met one mom. That was enough.
Meanwhile, where were we? Oh yes, don't smoke, you sound much older, especially on the phone. Your voice is a big part of the attraction. Or not.
Respect the cold light of day.
Nothing pushes the EEEEEWWWWWW button like the sight of a forty something woman, looking like the mother of the bride in a chiffon cocktail dress, dancing on the beach at ten in the morning with a twenty something hunk in dress pants and a t-shirt, both with drinks in their hands.
Mrs. Linklater actually saw this couple in Malibu and watched them with a fascination usually reserved for train wrecks. Hey, get a room!!
Which brings Mrs. L to her final thought -- nobody cares what goes on in private. A worldclass volleyball player she knew continued a long, very clandestine "relationship" with a woman who was old enough to be his mother. And, frankly, looked like it, too.
Meanwhile, as people start laying bets on how long the Demi and Ashton liaison will last, don't forget he is a great kidder.
We may have all been punk'd.