ASK MRS LINKLATER "BE A GREAT GIRLFRIEND" EDITION

SUDDENLY IT'S 1958

Mrs. Linklater saw this link on her AOL front page the other day.  And while she thinks that learning how to be a great girlfriend ranks up there with cleaning toilets, she wondered what the latest relationship guru might be recommending. Needless to say, she can't wait to butt in.

How to be a great girlfriend in 10 easy steps
By Bob Strauss

To most guys, There's Something About Mary was the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend: Someone who drinks beer, loves sports, smiles sweetly in the face of infantile behaviour and looks like Cameron Diaz. Granted, there's nothing you can do about the Cameron Diaz part, but here are some tips for turning yourself into the kind of gal that prompts guys to ask, "Why can't the women I date be as cool as her?"

Mrs. Linklater snorts: There's Something About Mary is the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend? AND the perfect hair gel, too? 

While we're at it, what's up with "GAL?" People still call women "GALS?"

1. Know the league rules. Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow-by-blow of the Arsenal/Man U showdown. Earn him a few quid on your World Cup predictions, and he'll propose to you faster than David Beckham's latest Lamborghini.

Mrs. Linklater had to avert her eyes when she first read "Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow. . ."  When she recovered she wondered why AOL hadn't translated the rest of this paragraph from English to American.

2. Lose the coasters. These little frisbee things are the bane of a guy's existence; if you insist that he use one, you can't help but come off like a proper miss at a girl's academy. Which would you rather have: A boyfriend, or a smudge-free coffee table?

Show of hands?  That's what Mrs. Linklater thought.  A smudge-free coffee table.

3. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they're stupid — especially if they're stupid — a guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood. If you don't laugh, it's just like waving around a pair of knitting needles. Extra points if you fake a giggle fit in front of his mates.

"A guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood."  Mrs. Linklater can think of a couple of others.  Let's see. His remote. And what?!  Oh, you people are so immature.

4. Share the wealth. Speaking of his friends, if you follow all the tips listed here, they're going to be very jealous that the two of you are an item — so coax out your single female pals every now and then and let everyone mingle. If nothing else, it's good karma.

Great idea.  Invite all your jealous girlfriends to mingle with your boyfriend.  Up close and personal. Don't forget to let them have plenty of time alone with him. While you're at it, pay for dinner, too.  As for good karma, this sounds like pimp and ho karma to Mrs. L.    

5. Let him get lost. No, don't throw him out of the house. The next time you're out driving, and your boyfriend refuses to ask for directions, cut him some slack. Losing his way on the M5 is the closest he may ever get to the adrenaline thrill of skiing the Alps.

If you're out driving with your boyfriend and end up on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean on the M5 -- you've cut him a little too much slack.

6. Flatter his ego. Whenever your boyfriend tells his latest tiresome tale about slaying some work-related ogre — or starts wondering whether, deep down, he's really suited for life as an epic poet — just tell him he's terrific and you believe in him 100 percent. Even if you don't.

And while you're being so supportive make sure you're wearing short white gloves, two strands of pearls, a circle pin, and a little pillbox hat with a nice veil.

7. Know when to stay home. No guy will come right out and say it — at least, no guy who wants to keep all his body parts — so if you pay extra-careful attention to your boyfriend's mood, you'll know when he wants to spend a night out with the gang by himself.

Mrs. Linklater suggests you have him followed to see if he's gay.

8. Buy a round. If you do happen to be out with the gang, buying the next pitcher — or, better yet, turning everyone on to the kind of fancy drink (like Cosmopolitans) that only girls seem to know about — will instantly establish your cool-chick credentials.

Nothing turns on guys more than drinking Cosmos with the girls.

9. Wear a baseball cap. You know how naturalists, when they want to infiltrate a pack of hyenas, dress in fur pelts? Not only will a baseball cap make you look sexy — especially if you wear it backward — but it'll do a lot to increase your boyfriend's comfort level.

If wearing a baseball cap backwards is now considered sexy, Mrs. Linklater would rather wear fur and take her chances with the hyenas.

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. The list is too extensive to include here, but are loose toenail clippings, unwashed towels, and torn jeans really worth a full-blown argument? Go with the flow, and you'll be surprised how often your boyfriend cleans up his dirty habits all by himself.

Mrs. Linklater is an advocate of that old adage -- when you get a lemon, make lemonade.  So when you get an ashtray full of toenail clippings make them into a casserole.