Saturday, May 4, 2013

Road Rash

Most people think I'm a Type A personality. Okay, I am. But not in the car. Get me in the car and I am a fuzzy wuzzy. Instead of driving five miles over the limit like EVERYONE ELSE, I drive five miles under. 
          You know how everyone else races to beat the light when it turns yellow? I don't do that. I slow down and stop. Yep, that's me, pissing you off. And I'm not ever in a hurry. Even when I'm in a hurry. The only other Type A personality I know who drives like I do is a Vietnam Vet I hung out with, whose Special Ops nickname in the Marines was Captain Midnight. He also played professional hockey, then became a trial lawyer, but lost his law license for punching out another attorney. Type A? Ya think? Outside the confines of a car the guy was so intense it was scary. Piercing black eyes, coal black hair. . .nice abs, but I digress. Inside the car he drove so slowly he had time to read a book at a stop sign. He was following me to a restaurant one day and I could have pulled over and parked just waiting for him to catch up. 
          But the rest of the world doesn't like drivers like me. Or him. Nope, they don't. The other day I starting making a phone call as I left a parking lot after visiting with a friend. There was a stoplight a block away. It was red. Naturally, I slowed down for the light. No sense in gunning the engine only to put on the brakes. Not when you can just ease on down the road.  
          As I started leaving a phone message, the light turned green. I noticed a red car was hovering right behind me as I turned right. The speed limit was 35. I accelerated to 32, which is kind of speedy for me. The bitch behind me thought I should go faster. There were two lanes. The one on my right was open, so she could have taken that one. But for some reason she was butt up on my bumper, honking. 
          You KNOW what I did, don't you? Yep, I slowed down. Way down. Hey, there was a stoplight just a block away. It was red. What's the hurry? Since I was going to turn left at the light, I moved over into the lefthand lane and stopped at the stoplight. 
          The Bitchmeister pulled up on my right and shouted at me that there was no cellphone use in this town. Oooo, I was doing something ILLEGAL!!! Then she said she knew I was on the phone because I was only going 20 miles an hour. To her, anything under the limit is probably 20 mph. I told her it wasn't because I was on the phone, since I always drive slowly. Just for the record, I was actually going 32 miles an hour, Bitch. "Well, you shouldn't be on the road then!"  And that comment was relevant, how? 
          Here's the good part. I'm so proud of what I did next. The light turned green and I hit the accelerator, laid some rubber and yelled, "Why Don't You Just Go F*ck Yourself!!!"
I thought she would keep on driving and leave me to my leisurely pace. Notsofast, telephone breath. I had pissed her off so much she made an illegal left turn from her lane so she could follow me, the whole time yelling -- "Asshole!" Me, "Turd Brain!" Her, "Bitch!" etc., etc., etc. 
          That was fun!! Maybe I'll drive even slower and see who else I can annoy.          


Jon said...

Mrs. L. - you're a woman after my own heart! I'm still laughing at this one.
When I was young in Southern California I loved to drive and piloted every freeway like a pro.

Now that I'm growing older ("older", not "old"....)I hate to drive - - especially with these mindless, aggressive Texans. I'm admittedly frightened to go to WalMart, which is only a few blocks away....

Mrs. L said...

Jon, I keep looking for a LIKE button on your comment. Facebook creates BAD habits.