Friday, June 18, 2004

Temporarily Insane

Answer:  Death is an option.   Question:  What would you like to do to the Techies at Gateway who couldn't be nicer -- but couldn't know less when it comes to helping Mrs. Linklater install more memory and a brand, spanking new video card?

The Mommy Wars rant will have to wait. Mrs. Linklater is having computer crazies.

Phone call numero uno: Mrs. Linklater gets a female techie at Gateway who speaks so crisp and briskly she could be in the military. She gives instructions for loading the computer's new memory with the authority of the joint chiefs.  Mrs. Linklater listens and learns, so all the new memory gets installed fairly easily.  But nothing Sgt. Techie says can help Mrs. L get the old video card out of its slot. 

Because, as Mrs. Linklater finds out later, Sgt. Techie's directions totally suck. Thanks to her, Mrs. Linklater thinks there's an eensy weensy screw in the way. A screw that's too small for her giant screwdriver.  So Mrs. Linklater has to go to the hardware store for tools. The real tool, however, was sitting on the phone at Gateway.

Mrs. Linklater gets back from the hardware store with a screwdriver the size of a pretzel stick and still cannot undo the tiny little screw. Not possible.  Her hand keeps getting poked by something -- poke, poke, poke -- and she can't get any leverage to turn the screwdriver.

Phone call numero dos: Mrs. Linklater gets another Gateway female tech who didn't miss the memo. She knows how to get the old video card out and the new video card in. Sgt. Techie apparently didn't know shinola about which screw needed to be unscrewed. Naturally, Mrs. Linklater thinks this new, second technie must be a genius. She also thinks that her computer troubles are over. So she hangs up, takes out the old video card and puts in the new one.  LOL.

But when she starts the computer, the monitor doesn't work and the computer shuts down without permission. This makes Mrs. Linklater want to pour syrup on the motherboard, but instead, she decides to read the "Getting Started Guide" that came with the new video card instead. 

She could have done that earlier, but that would have been too easy.

The guide says she has to uninstall all the crap that the old video card left behind. Nice of Gateway to tell her. But she can't tell from the instructions what to uninstall and what to leave behind, because the guide assumes she already knows. Well, she doesn't, Mr. Poopy Pants!

Phone call numero tres:  Mrs. Linklater gets a young man from India or Pakistan. Her heart sinks. Because she knows she will never be able to understand him. But, to his credit,  he understands that she can't understand him and tries to speak to her so she will understand. Veee---rrrrrr----y slo-------w---l--y.  

To explain her problem, Mrs. Linklater reads him the good parts of the "Getting Started Guide" which say you have to uninstall all the do-dah left by the old drivers, blah blah blah.  So he instructs Mrs. Linklater to uninstall everything in a way that has nothing do with anything the "Getting Started Guide" suggests.

But she figures that Mr. India or Pakistan must know what he's talking about.  Mrs. Linklater, you are such a yutz. Thus, after uninstalling the old drivers per his instructions, she hangs up, full of optimism and hope for a bright tomorrow. 

So she takes out her old video card.  Again. And puts in the new one.  Again. 

This time the computer shuts down faster than it did the last time. 

Phone call numero quatro:  A very nice woman tries to help her uninstall the old drivers. Again.  That means that Mrs. Linklater has to take the new card out and put the old card back in.  Again.

This time they follow the instructions in the guide, but the driver refuses to uninstall no matter what they do. Weird.  Still optimistic, Mrs. Linklater says what the heck and installs the new card again.

The computer shuts down so fast it leaves a skidmark.

Phone call numero cinco: Mrs. Linklater talks to a young woman who sounds like Karen on Will & Grace.  She finds the top secret number of the company that makes the video card so Mrs. Linklater can get them to help her. Puh-lease.

Mrs. Linklater calls the toll free 24 hour service number.  "We're sorry, that number is no longer in service, please checkyour. . ."

That's what Mrs. Linklater has been doing for the past 30 hours. To write this, she's using her computer with all its new memory along with the old video card, which is like trying to read through water. Murky, dark, water with stripes in it.

After this entry is posted, she will go online and track down the phone number for the video card and shriek into the phone when someone answers. 





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